Thankful Challenge Day 11: Girl Scouts & Boy Scouts

Today I am extremely thankful for Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. Both have taken my Littles under their wing and helped them grow in different ways, especially with their confidence. Both of my Littles are learning so many new things that are valuable to them all because of being apart of Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. I’m so thankful for them helping give my Littles these opportunities.

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Thankful Challenge Day 10: Therapy

When I first started years ago when I was a child, I didn’t really understand the concept and thought it was weird going there to talk to someone about mh problems. It took me a long time to be able to open up but once I did, it helped me greatly and has still helped me to this day. I had stopped going to therapy for many years but have started going again for a while. I absolutely love it. It has helped me greatly in many different ways and I’m so thankful for it.

Thankful Challenge Day 8: Acceptance of the Things I Cannot Change

On day 8 of my thankful challenge for November, I am thankful for acceptance of the things I cannot change. Now for anyone that knows me, it is very easy to tell this acceptance has been very hard for me for my whole 20 something years of being in this world. It still is a bit hard for me but its gotten better. It’s been a long time coming and much needed for me in my life.

One thing has really brought this acceptance lesson about things I cannot change upon me: my Little’s father.

For years, 9 years to be exact, I have been trying to work things out with him for myself, our Littles, and him. I’ve tried just about anything and everything. I tried to communicate effectively with him over the years since that has always been a big issue with us. I’ve tried being 100% honest with him even when it hurt to tell the truth and I was scared how he would react about the smallest simplest things. I even researched numerous times over the years on things to do that can help like couples therapy, The Love Dare, and many other things. I tried to do things sexually that he wanted me to do that I thought would help us in our on and off again relationship. I changed myself and molded myself into the woman he wanted me to be to the point that I completely lost myself where it took a little over a year twice to find myself all over again. I cleaned as much as I could, tried to be there physically and emotionally for him through everything, and dealt with anything and everything he put me through. I pushed many guys that were very nice that wanted a chance with me away for him. I moved for him. I cut off a lot of my family and friends and hurt them for him since he didn’t like them or they didn’t like him. I burned so many bridges in my life so that I could be with him. Every day, I would encourage him to be back with our Littles and I as a family. I would invite him to just about every event in our Littles lives and my life. I ended up rescheduling and canceling many events so that we could be with him or he could come to the events and he wouldn’t miss out even though he never ended up coming. I made sure to never say anything bad in front of our Littles about him so I wouldn’t taint or ruin their view of him and so they could make up their own mind about him. I stuck up for him every time someone including my loved ones said something negative about him. I borrowed him so much money over the years, even though I never seen a penny back, even when I was supposed to use that money for our Littles, even though he was supposed to be the one paying me child support for them. I always gave a million excuses for him to my loved ones and our Littles for his actions when it was brought up such as why he didn’t show up for the 10th time for our Littles to an important event in their lives. I loved him always even when he would lie, be disrespectful, and treat me like absolute shit. I was always there for the bad and good times. I encouraged one of our Littles to have a relationship with him even though she didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I believed he couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything wrong to anyone as naive as that is based on my past and the fact that I don’t believe or trust anyone. When child support put out the first warrant for him, I tried to help him. When they were going to put out the second warrant for him not paying, I saved his ass and paid it so he wouldn’t have to go to jail again. Every holiday, I would reach out to him with our Littles for him to be with us even though he barely ever ended up being with us. I took him back every time through everything. I would bite my tongue so much whenever we would talk for a while that my tongue hurt majority of the time whenever we’d start to talk. I didn’t really talk about my needs or wants since they weren’t important compared to his and our Littles’. Every holiday, event, and special moment that our Littles and I had, I would spend most of my time wishing and hoping he would be there and would try to get him to be there but he almost always never came. I even lowered the child support amount a few years ago so the least amount he could pay to try and accommodate his needs and wants in hopes he wouldn’t leave our Littles lives even though I really needed the funds to help support them badly. He still never paid even though I did that.

I tried anything and everything to make it work. There was always someone or something better than our Littles and myself for him in his life that came first for him. No matter what I did or tried or said, it never helped.

He still isn’t there for our Littles.

He’s still only there for one of our Littles only about four days out of every month, even though they are BOTH ours.

He still doesn’t know really anything about one of our Littles. He doesn’t know her favorite color. Or her favorite food. Or her favorite thing to do. Or her favorite animal. Or how she likes her name written. Or her laugh. Or her silly self. Or how she is with people that she is comfortable with. Or who her teacher is. Or how old she is. Or what she is passionate about. Or what causes her anxiety. Or what makes her laugh and smile. Or her favorite sport. Or her favorite movie. Or the songs she knows by heart that she sings with all her might. Or her favorite board game that she always whoops my ass in. Or her favorite outfit. Or the differences in her cries. Or that he causes a lot of the anxiety and fear in her even though he’s supposed to be her father.

He’s still not there for our Littles events.
He’s still not there for holidays.

He’s still disrespectful towards me and has no respect for me.

He’s still disrespectful towards our Littles and has no respect for them.

He’s still not paying child support even though there will be a warrant going out again soon for him for not.

He’s still the same jack ass.

And I’m, for the first time ever in my life, done. 100% done. No more, not less: DONE.

Done with him. Done with the lying, disrespecting, using, getting treated like shit, and everything else in between.

I accept that things are shitty with him. I accept things will never work with him. I accept that things will not change, no matter what I had tried or did. I accept that things with him are not okay. I accept that I must take a stand for the better of my Littles and I.

I accept the things I cannot change and I’m so thankful for that.

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My reasons for this acceptance in the things I cannot change

Thankful Challenge Day 1: My Littles

It’s November, my favorite month of the year. While I don’t like the cold weather we normally get during the month, I love the changing colors of the leaves and that Thanksgiving is coming. I’ve decided to write each day about gratitude. Every day I will give thanks to something important in my life. Since I’m a little late starting, I will post my thankful challenge for the first three days.

Thankful Challenge Day 1: My Littles

My Littles are everything to me. Since day one, they have changed my life for the better. Even though we met earlier than maybe we should have, they are gave my life reason. Reason for being, reason for living, reason for life. Each and every single day, I look forward to spending time with them and seeing them. I never knew I could love two people as much as I could love them.

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Amazing People

Since I’ve starting blogging on here just even as a way to express myself, I’ve met some wonderful amazing people on here. There are so many amazing people on here that are very encouraging, smart, and inspiring. I’m so thankful for them all!

Thank you to everyone on here that has helped me, encouraged me, and inspired me in many ways!

A Letter to Myself to Read on New Year’s Eve 2015

You should know that you are an amazing young beautiful smart woman. You are more capable than you ever thought. Life has its ups and downs but you have to push through. All of that is part of life. There is going to be sadness, madness, joy, excitement, hard times, etc and times may get to you. If you are feeling sad, feel it. Let it out. If you are mad, feel it. Let it out. If you are happy, feel it. Let it out. With every feeling, feel it and let it out. Live in the moment to the fullest. But make sure you pick yourself up and continue on your journey in life. Live every single day to the fullest and in the moment. Always remember what you learned at the Grounded and Moving workshop. For a reminder, check your scrapbook. Your littles’ father is doing the best he can. Give him some credit. He has really stepped up and grew up. Give him praise and be thankful. Stop pushing him away. Give yourself some credit as well. You are doing good. Could be doing better in certain areas but you are getting some help and you should be so proud of yourself for that. Always remember your littles are just that, littles. Give them some credit and slack. They are doing the best they can for the ages that they are and for the given circumstances. Remember that they helped save your life for the better and help you mature and grow. It is not your job to mold them into who you want them to be. It is your job to help raise them, believe in them, inspire them, help them grow, teach them, and love them no matter what. Stop pushing every one away. It does no good at all. You can’t punish them for other people’s actions or words. Not everyone is going to hurt you or run away or leave. Some may stay for a moment or a life time. Some may leave. Either way, it is apart of life. Some people stay, some people go. Each has a life lesson to teach you. It’s the part of how you handle it and get back up that matters the most. Don’t live in the past any longer. It does no good what so ever. When you live in the past, you become full of anger, sadness, jealousy, hurt, and meanness. You push everyone away. You be mean to everyone, including the ones closet to you. You hurt people before they can hurt you which causes both of you a lot of pain. You punish people that did nothing to you. You ruin a lot of relationships. The past is the past. There might have been times when you were a victim in your past. But you are not one anymore. You are a survivor. And it’s time to live the in the moment, not the past or the future. It is okay to be wrong at times even though you hate it. You can’t know every thing. It’s okay to be open to new ideas and new ways. It’s okay to be wrong and important to to apologize. That’s a big step but a very important one, no matter who criticizes you for it. It’s a major step to accept that you were wrong or did wrong, and to own up to it. Especially a big step for you. Be thankful for everyone and everything in your life, even the people that have done you wrong and the things that you regret or have changed your life. Without them, you wouldn’t be the woman you are today. Always remember taking your Drugs and Society class at Blackhawk this past semester and what you learned and overcame because of that class. People may make mistakes but you can’t hold that against them. They aren’t the same person they were in the past. Some may be, but your mom isn’t. It was very good of you to forgive her like you did. Always remember that you did and the things you learned the next time you have a dream about what happened in the past again before you get all mad and sad living in the past again. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in life at this time. It’s okay to dream of where you want to be in life right now. But it will be your time sometime soon. Right now, just laugh, cry, enjoy, and live in the moment for yourself. Believe in yourself. You have a lot of greatness inside of you. You will do great things. Continue writing your heart out. Be careful with how you write though so you don’t hurt anyone. Communication is key to every relationship. Even with sister’s, brother’s, mom’s, love relationships, etc. Communication matters. No one can read your mind. If you have something to say, say it before it’s too late. It’s good to stand up for what you believe. Never push it onto some one else though. Every one has their own beliefs and that’s just fine. Friendships and relationships can be difficult if you always have high expectations of them because of everything you would and have done for them. If you need or want them to be there for you when you have a loss in your life, a big moment in your life, or just need their presence, let them know. They can’t read your mind or see between the lines. They won’t know if you don’t tell them. Maybe they can’t be there for you physically, but most likely they can be there for you emotionally as much as possible. Think of yourself as a pie. Some people may not be able to handle all of you. Some people may be your friend, but you guys aren’t little friends or love relationship friends or work friends and that’s just fine. Not everyone can handle everything you have to offer and may not be your friend in exactly the same way and that’s just fine. It’s good to have strong beliefs but be careful not to push everyone on someone because it might hurt them. Stop getting to caught up with life that you stop appreciating life and noticing the beauty in life. You are certain that if you take your grief and you hold on tight to it, it multiplies and divides and soon conquers you so that it wins a war that was never meant to be started. It’s okay to grieve. You can grieve for however long after after the loss as you want and you can grieve in whatever way you see fit. But you must get right back up afterwards and continue pushing through in life. Just because someone is gone on this earth, doesn’t mean that they are completely gone from your life. They are watching over you, cheering you on, and on your side. It is never “goodbye,” it is always “until we see each other again.” You are sure that tomorrow is not guaranteed and that too many people wait so long to say something, feel something, or go someplace. Too damn long. Never be one of those people again. The bad stuff is easier to believe. But it doesn’t mean that the good stuff isn’t right. Just means to find your worth. It’s okay to take some time for yourself. You need it to keep going on. You need it to say “yes, I’m alive and I can do it again.” Pick out a spot and take a least 5 minutes to yourself. A spot only for yourself, your only place for a few minutes or longer for time for yourself. Only yourself. Silence your phone, ignore all the world as long as your littles are safe, and take this time to put your world back together again and keep yourself sane. Read, pray, talk to yourself, listen to a song, think, scrapbook, do whatever your heart desires in these moments. Just always tell yourself “Yes, I’m alive and I can do it again.” Get organized. Smile. Give back. Approach things with 0% hesitation and 100% fearlessness. Live life. Get close to your family. Happiness starts with yourself. You’re going places. Find peace. Simplify your life. Volunteer. Be healthy. Have a game plan and a backup plan. Get up and go. Be a new you.

Four Years Ago

As I lay here listening to my littles sleep while I look on my Timehop app for the day, I can’t help but think about everything we have went through, where we have been, where we are now, and everything we have accomplished.

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Little #2 almost 2

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Little #1 around 3

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These are the pictures I see on my Timehop app today from four years ago. Such adorable pictures of my littles. Brings back so much.

Little #1 was around 3 and Little #2 was almost 2.

At the time, we were living at one of my older sister’s homes with her and her family as they let us live with them for a while out of the goodness of their heart. We were and still are very thankful for that and everything they did, as long with everything everyone has done for us.

We were living there staying in my niece’s room and mostly staying in there. Most of our things were in there on a couch packed away in tubs and boxes. My littles and I slept on two thick blankets for padding. That was our home at the time. We did most things in the room and stayed in there most of the time. We didn’t have a Christmas tree or a Christmas really that year or the year before. I was in between jobs and couldn’t keep a job if my life depended on it. Where we lived it was kind of crowded in a way but we loved it because we were with our loved ones that we were starting to get to know. I was just getting out of the postpartum depression funk I was in which was major. My little’s father and I were in a very bad place as parents and couldn’t go without arguing and fighting no matter what. My older sisters, one of their fiancé’s, and my niece helped us out a lot about parenting, disciplining, transportation, babysitting, daycare, job hunting, encouraging, motivating, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. They did so much. I’m so thankful for all that they have done.

Now, four years from then, a lot has changed.

My littles and I live in a three bedroom townhome. It’s beautiful. We have our own rooms, have a main floor with a upstairs and a basement, have two bathrooms, and can afford it no matter what. We have our dog Molly who is a big part of our lives and family. We have more love than before. We have a lot on track and going for us. All of us are getting the help we need with counseling which has greatly helped. We have good friends. My littles go to an amazing school that has helped so much. We live in an amazing community that really helps others. We live within walking distance from a grocery store and the public bus stops. I’m going to college and am doing so good. We actually have a direction in which our lives are going. We are learning more about appreciation, respect, giving, and helping others.

Not everything is perfect right now and nothing will be. That’s just fine with us. We have accepted that. We are making due with how our lives are and going to always continue to push forward.

So thankful for everyone and everything that has helped us in the past, present, and future.

A lot has changed over the years. Can’t wait to see how else things change years from now!