We Have Some Catching Up To Do…

Hello there everyone. I hope you all are doing well. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here again. It feels like it’s been forever ago and I’m deeply regretting it. I’ve been getting that itch to write again for a while after building myself up with some courage and blessings.

The reason why I had stopped writing is because, honestly, I had lost myself. I no longer was my spunky and courageous self. Normally in life when things happen that drag me down, I may have my moments where I have a pity party but I always end up picking myself up right after and going at life even stronger than before. Life isn’t all full of sunshine and rainbows and I’ve always understood that. It has its ups and downs constantly. That’s just apart of this journey called life and you have to look for the blessings and keep pushing through. This time though, I was down for the count. I tried to stay strong and have faith but I let it all get the best of me. I felt like I was worthless, wouldn’t amount to anything, and was better off gone out of this world. Every day I would try my hardest to put a smile on my face for my Littles and be present but it didn’t work very well. It was hard to hide everything that was going on.

I eventually starting seeing how that and other things that were going on in our lives like my relationship with my children’s father were affecting my Littles. Slowly but surely I started noticing the changes in them and in myself as well. One day it was just completely eye opening to me and I was done. Completely done with all the negativity, the bad changes, all the blaming being on me, the no communication anymore, my Littles learning this is how a relationship is supposed to be and that this is what love is, the abuse, my son being filled with hate and sadness, my daughter being scared and anxious almost all the time, the fighting, the back and forth-ness, the being alone all the time, the feeling of being roommates, all the hatred, etc. Every single thing. I was done. Stick a fork in me, I was done.

I was ready to move on and that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t know where life would take my Littles and I or what would be in store for us but I had my heart and mind set on moving forward with lots of faith. I was scared then and wanted to turn back around for a long time just to go back to what I knew for so long. My Littles kept me moving though. Seeing the smile on their faces, hearing their encouragement, and knowing they believed me was so motivating.

Looking back now, I’m extremely proud. I did it. My Littles and I did it. It’s so easy to go back to what you know and what’s ‘comfortable’ but most times, it’s better not to. We are full of love, happiness, and blessings while living life to the fullest now. Still we have our moments just like everyone else but life is going good. We are happier than we have been in a long time.

There have been some changes in our lives that have definitely been blessings. Here are some of them:

I am now working for a good company doing in home care as a certified nursing assistant. The flexibility of it and the clients are amazing. I’ve met some very nice people that have really touched my heart thanks to the company. Towards the end of last year, I met an amazing man. His name is Darvel. I was so nervous and scared at first. After the relationships I’ve had though, that is kind of expected though. Honestly there was a huge part of me thinking that all men are the same and all that jazz. But another part of me is a huge romantic and believes in the happily ever after, even if I’ve never had that. I’m happy I took the chance with getting to know him and seeing what he’s all about. This man has changed my life. He’s showed me what a real healthy relationship and love is all about. I’ve never had to question his loyalty because he’s always showed it 100%. He’s never called me out my name or talked down on me. I’ve never had a man believe in me like he does. He always encourages me to do my best and motivates me. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me but Darvel has never made me question or doubt our relationship as well as him. He’s the strongest man I know. Anything he puts his mind to, he tries his hardest and accomplishes it. For example, he wanted to start a YouTube channel (Please feel free to check it out! Hilarious gameplay content. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYLIxz8jB8XVEEMjpJb9Vlg) and he’s went above and beyond for it. His parents have definitely raised an amazing man and taught him how to treat people right. My Littles completely adore him. They say he has to be with us forever and I agree. The love is mutual between my Littles and Darvel. He treats them like they are his own and helps me with them without me even asking. When they are having troubles, he’s there to help bring them back up and encourage them. Every day he teaches them another new thing. We couldn’t be happier. I love our little family.

Ju-Ju Bean is 10 years old now. In a few months she will be 11 years old (she makes sure she tells everyone that lol). This girl I tell you, she’s something else. She’s by far the best daughter ever (I may be biased obviously but seriously she is). Ju-Ju Bean is one of the most caring individuals that I have ever known. When she sees someone that is having a hard time, she tries her hardest to show them that she cares about them and show them love. Animals are very important to her. She has a huge love for them. If you ask her about cars, she knows almost all the different types of them. She has been collecting cars for forever. This has been her best year in school so far. She has friends for the first time in a long time, is doing so good, and absolutely enjoys it. Of course, Ju-Ju Bean still wants to be a teacher when she grows up. She plays school as a teacher with her friends and her toys always. Her black cat Bath is her best friend still and follows her every where.

Cruzier is 9 years old. He has had a great year so far. In school, he’s doing amazing. His teacher adores him and so does all his friends. Lunch and gym are still his favorites in school. He now has a kitty named Cowgirl that he got right before his birthday. She’s his best friend and the perfect cat for him. Gaming, playing sports, and just being outside in general are a few of his favorite things. With everything he tries, he puts forth the most effort I’ve ever seen. Every day is a new adventure with him. Ever since he was little, he’s taken us on little adventures every day making us step put of our comfort zone and making us appreciate everything. He’s the best higher in the world and knows exactly how to make you smile as well as laugh when you are feeling down. He has a passion for sports and loves being apart of a team.

That’s about all that is new for us so far. We are excited about what else life holds for us and are so blessed. Thank you for reading and I’ll be writing again soon.

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Thankful Challenge Day 8: Acceptance of the Things I Cannot Change

On day 8 of my thankful challenge for November, I am thankful for acceptance of the things I cannot change. Now for anyone that knows me, it is very easy to tell this acceptance has been very hard for me for my whole 20 something years of being in this world. It still is a bit hard for me but its gotten better. It’s been a long time coming and much needed for me in my life.

One thing has really brought this acceptance lesson about things I cannot change upon me: my Little’s father.

For years, 9 years to be exact, I have been trying to work things out with him for myself, our Littles, and him. I’ve tried just about anything and everything. I tried to communicate effectively with him over the years since that has always been a big issue with us. I’ve tried being 100% honest with him even when it hurt to tell the truth and I was scared how he would react about the smallest simplest things. I even researched numerous times over the years on things to do that can help like couples therapy, The Love Dare, and many other things. I tried to do things sexually that he wanted me to do that I thought would help us in our on and off again relationship. I changed myself and molded myself into the woman he wanted me to be to the point that I completely lost myself where it took a little over a year twice to find myself all over again. I cleaned as much as I could, tried to be there physically and emotionally for him through everything, and dealt with anything and everything he put me through. I pushed many guys that were very nice that wanted a chance with me away for him. I moved for him. I cut off a lot of my family and friends and hurt them for him since he didn’t like them or they didn’t like him. I burned so many bridges in my life so that I could be with him. Every day, I would encourage him to be back with our Littles and I as a family. I would invite him to just about every event in our Littles lives and my life. I ended up rescheduling and canceling many events so that we could be with him or he could come to the events and he wouldn’t miss out even though he never ended up coming. I made sure to never say anything bad in front of our Littles about him so I wouldn’t taint or ruin their view of him and so they could make up their own mind about him. I stuck up for him every time someone including my loved ones said something negative about him. I borrowed him so much money over the years, even though I never seen a penny back, even when I was supposed to use that money for our Littles, even though he was supposed to be the one paying me child support for them. I always gave a million excuses for him to my loved ones and our Littles for his actions when it was brought up such as why he didn’t show up for the 10th time for our Littles to an important event in their lives. I loved him always even when he would lie, be disrespectful, and treat me like absolute shit. I was always there for the bad and good times. I encouraged one of our Littles to have a relationship with him even though she didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I believed he couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything wrong to anyone as naive as that is based on my past and the fact that I don’t believe or trust anyone. When child support put out the first warrant for him, I tried to help him. When they were going to put out the second warrant for him not paying, I saved his ass and paid it so he wouldn’t have to go to jail again. Every holiday, I would reach out to him with our Littles for him to be with us even though he barely ever ended up being with us. I took him back every time through everything. I would bite my tongue so much whenever we would talk for a while that my tongue hurt majority of the time whenever we’d start to talk. I didn’t really talk about my needs or wants since they weren’t important compared to his and our Littles’. Every holiday, event, and special moment that our Littles and I had, I would spend most of my time wishing and hoping he would be there and would try to get him to be there but he almost always never came. I even lowered the child support amount a few years ago so the least amount he could pay to try and accommodate his needs and wants in hopes he wouldn’t leave our Littles lives even though I really needed the funds to help support them badly. He still never paid even though I did that.

I tried anything and everything to make it work. There was always someone or something better than our Littles and myself for him in his life that came first for him. No matter what I did or tried or said, it never helped.

He still isn’t there for our Littles.

He’s still only there for one of our Littles only about four days out of every month, even though they are BOTH ours.

He still doesn’t know really anything about one of our Littles. He doesn’t know her favorite color. Or her favorite food. Or her favorite thing to do. Or her favorite animal. Or how she likes her name written. Or her laugh. Or her silly self. Or how she is with people that she is comfortable with. Or who her teacher is. Or how old she is. Or what she is passionate about. Or what causes her anxiety. Or what makes her laugh and smile. Or her favorite sport. Or her favorite movie. Or the songs she knows by heart that she sings with all her might. Or her favorite board game that she always whoops my ass in. Or her favorite outfit. Or the differences in her cries. Or that he causes a lot of the anxiety and fear in her even though he’s supposed to be her father.

He’s still not there for our Littles events.
He’s still not there for holidays.

He’s still disrespectful towards me and has no respect for me.

He’s still disrespectful towards our Littles and has no respect for them.

He’s still not paying child support even though there will be a warrant going out again soon for him for not.

He’s still the same jack ass.

And I’m, for the first time ever in my life, done. 100% done. No more, not less: DONE.

Done with him. Done with the lying, disrespecting, using, getting treated like shit, and everything else in between.

I accept that things are shitty with him. I accept things will never work with him. I accept that things will not change, no matter what I had tried or did. I accept that things with him are not okay. I accept that I must take a stand for the better of my Littles and I.

I accept the things I cannot change and I’m so thankful for that.

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My reasons for this acceptance in the things I cannot change

Weekend Quality Time

This weekend I got to spend some amazing quality time with three of my sister’s, three of my niece’s, and two of my nephew’s. It was much needed completely. I love spending time with my family and getting closer to one another. I hope that it can happen more in the future. Next time will be with my Littles!

Here are some pictures from this weekend:

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My nephew

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He just happened to stick up his middle finger at us!

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First Mohawk given by me!

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My sister helping my niece write the grocery list

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My precious niece

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My sister and nephew

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My sister and I

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Crazy faces

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My beautiful niece

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We are awesome

Working Things Out

I had counseling a little bit ago today. It felt so good to talk to someone that’s on the outside that can help and relate to what’s going on in my life. A big thing I am working on right now is my relationship with my Littles’ father. So far it has greatly approved but it does need some more work. My counselor suggested that I date their father before he moves back in soon so that we can work on our connection and get closer. I have no clue how to do this! It makes sense to do it but I don’t know how to. Any suggestions people?! I really want this to work with him. I love him so much and have faith this will work. He’s the peanut butter to my jelly 🙂

Our Walk

My best friend and I are becoming closer than ever and so are our Littles. Last weekend, we went on a walk at a trail in town. It was awesome. Our Littles rode their bikes, pushed a scooter, and had a blast. We even brought our dog Molly with us. I’m so glad that we all had a great time. My Littles and I are so blessed to have my best friend and her family in our lives! We are so thankful for them.

Here are some pictures from our walk!

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Things Are Working Out

Currently, things are going really good for my family and I. There have been many improvements for the better that we couldn’t be happier about.

Lately, my son, Little #2 has been really good with his behavior. We have most of his behavior in check by doing a gentle positive approach with him and his sister. It’s been working really well with both of them! For the past two or three weeks, we haven’t had any accidents, violent incidents, or outbursts from my son. It’s been really helping with us practicing using our words and focusing on the positives instead of just the negatives. Little #1 has been doing really good about using her words as well and not lying. When I make sure she is involved with situations, it helps her a lot feel included so both Littles have equal attention from me. Right now I feel way closer to both of my Littles than ever before and so proud of them.

As long as I keep doing good in school and get at least a solid C in my classes, I will only have 8 classes to take before I am done with college. I will be taking three classes this summer semester and five classes this fall semester so that I will be done after that and will have my associates degree in Criminal Justice. I seriously am so excited and can’t wait to finally be done! I’ve been going to college since 2011 back and forth with different programs until last year when I finally found this program that I know I’m the right fit for and can see myself making a career out of it helping littles.

My Littles’ father and I are working on things right now and soon he will be living with us again. I can’t wait! Every time I’m around him, I get butterflies in my tummy all over again like I used to in the beginning of our relationship years almost 8 years ago. We are learning more about each other and building up our relationship again brand new. It’s better than ever. It’s all new though so it makes me nervous but I love it. I love him. He’s amazing as a father, friend, person, and man.

I’m trying to take the steps to be healthy again which is a big step for me. I haven’t been healthy or really in shape since before I had my Littles which was years ago. I miss it. I miss being able to run, jump around, and go up and down the stairs without running out of breath. I know I got this and can do it. But now I need to take the necessary steps to do so which I don’t really know what they are. At least I’m committed though. I guess that’s the biggest step. Any tips or suggestions would be awesome 🙂

I hope everything is going well with you and yours!

Relationships Grow

Whenever my Littles and I go to my any of my mom’s homes, regardless if it’s my Mom in Baraboo or my Mom in Waunakee or my foster mom’s home in Madison, there are always relationships that are strengthened and built. This past weekend, my Littles and I went to my Mom’s in Baraboo to help her move into her new home with my Step dad. My relationship with my Mom has been greatly strengthened and my Littles got a lot of more amazing moments with their Grandma Mary. This past week, since my Littles has spring break and I had school, they spent the week with my Mom & Step dad in Baraboo, their Nana in Waunakee, and their aunt in Waunakee. Relationships were strengthened with their cousins, aunt, and Nana with lots of moments that were well worth it. They had a blast. Now this weekend, we are at my Mom’s in Baraboo again for Easter and spending quality time with her, my Step dad, their aunt, and their other cousins. My Littles and I feel closer to our family in many ways for these moments that are absolutely priceless.

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My sister & I

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Do you feel someone watching you? Lol!

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Love

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Love
Noun
1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
“babies fill parents with intense feelings of love”
synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment
2. a person or thing that one loves.
“she was the love of his life”synonyms: beloved, loved one, love of one’s life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling, sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey

Verb
1. feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
“do you love me?”
synonyms: care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship

What does love mean to you?

To me, it means that you will be there for someone through thick and thin, accept them for who they are, encourage them to reach their highest potential, have respect, and do anything for them.

I’ve always been searching for love. In all the right and wrong places with the right and wrong people, that has been my goal. To be in love with someone that loves me just as much as I love them. I’ve been in love before but it never worked out. I did anything and everything for a man to please him and make him happy. I was there through everything and stuck by his side even when I didn’t think I could take it anymore. It was never the same in return. No matter how many times I tried and loved him, it never worked.

I am in love now, with myself and my Littles which is the most amazing thing ever that I have experienced. Although I’m not a size 5 or even a size 10, I love the way I look and everything about myself. I love my Littles and everything about them. They are perfect and who they are meant to be. Now I am no longer ashamed of myself or where my life has lead me. My Littles and I are in the right spot we are supposed to be in currently in life.

In life before we go looking for love in someone else, we have to start with ourselves. We have to love ourselves and be comfortable with being alone with ourselves. You have to fall in love with yourself and own it.

Can’t Let Go

I thought things were going good. I thought we were on the same page and going for the same thing: a team as parents for our littles and working on things for us all to be together again as a family.

I guess I was wrong though.

Everyone is telling me my littles and I deserve better. They are telling me to let go and move on. They are telling me that some other man is out there for me just waiting to meet me and will treat my littles and I the way we are supposed to be treated.

But I can’t let go. I can’t give up yet.

I have to try my hardest so when my littles ask when they get older, I can tell them I tried with all my might to keep us together as a family. That I tried to give them the family they deserve and so desperately want. That I tried to give us all what we want and deserve.

God Parents and Communication

My littles’ father and I tried to decide who their God Parents are going to be.. it was meant to be a discussion.. but ended up to be just one person saying something and that was supposed to be the decision. Funny thing is though, that is doesn’t work like that with communication or with being parents to our littles. It is not a debate or someone ruling every thing when we are talking about an important matter in our littles’ lives. Communication is supposed to be key in every relationship whether it be a romantic one, parenting one, or job one. But how do you communicate with someone that doesn’t want to communicate with you except that what they said is the one and only final answer that we are allowed to make and anything else is well, plain old dumb? Kind of over this plain old dumb communication that isn’t really communication at all! So now I am taking a break, will re discuss the God Parents matter another time, and will let it fly off my shoulders for now before I get any more irritated. Maybe our littles will have 3 God mothers, who knows. All I know is that I will have a say in the matter and will not just give thst position to just anyone.