Working Things Out

I had counseling a little bit ago today. It felt so good to talk to someone that’s on the outside that can help and relate to what’s going on in my life. A big thing I am working on right now is my relationship with my Littles’ father. So far it has greatly approved but it does need some more work. My counselor suggested that I date their father before he moves back in soon so that we can work on our connection and get closer. I have no clue how to do this! It makes sense to do it but I don’t know how to. Any suggestions people?! I really want this to work with him. I love him so much and have faith this will work. He’s the peanut butter to my jelly 🙂

My Father

No matter what I do, I can’t make my father be in my life or in my littles’ lives.

Even when I was younger when he got custody of my sister and I finally and we went to live with him, I could never get his attention unless it was the wrong kind of attention. After a while of trying to do the right thing but never seeming to do anything right in his eyes and after noticing his favoritism ways with my siblings but never me, I stopped caring as much. I would do whatever I could just to get some form of attention from him and him to actually finally pay attention to me. Even with all the punishments such as the beatings, yelling, getting all my hair shaved off, etc all I wanted was a father. A real father.

Some of my friends growing up would tell me about their fathers. Such as their father taking them out for ice cream or playing basketball with them or being at the school shows like the Christmas show cheering them on, being their protector, being their side kick, etc.  It would really hurt hearing that because that’s all I wanted from my father but I could never make him be a real father like that. I always wished I had a father like that.

I would pretend that it didn’t hurt and that I didn’t care. In reality, it hurt. Bad. It hurts to have a member of your family who is supposed to be your parent and supposed to love you, like you, do anything for you, and actually care about you that doesn’t want anything to do with you. My father doesn’t love me or like me or want to have anything to do with me. And seriously, that causes me so much pain.

I don’t understand how a parent can be like that with their little. I have two littles. I could never not love them, not like them, not care about them, and not do anything for them. They are my life. I live for them. They are my everything. Without them, I would be broken. I kind of understand in a way why my father is the way he is. But only a little bit in a way. His father beat him when he was growing up and so my father grew up thinking it is okay as a punishment for littles. My father lives maybe 4 blocks away from his father and step mom. They live down the street and around a corner down another street from him. To this day, they don’t speak or see each other. It’s crazy in my eyes because as a parent now, I couldn’t be like that with my littles even when they grow up. I’d think that after being raised with being beating, the pain that comes with punishments like that, and having a history with parents that you don’t see or talk to even though you both live so close to each other, you wouldn’t want that for your littles so you would do differently as a parent to your littles. I was beat as a child, have this history with my father, and have a lot of issues and pain even still now that he caused as well as others in my life. There is no way in hell that I will do any thing that was done to me as a little to my littles or let anything like that happen to them. I know the pain it caused and the damage it causes. I thought it was common sense not to do those things to any ones littles especially if it was done to you since you know the effects it can cause but I guess I was wrong about that.

Since I was little, I’ve always wanted a father. Even now I do and I imagine I always will want one. This affects me in all relationships with men, big time. I always want a father figure so I seek attention from men to get that fatherly figure, attention, and everything that comes with having a father. It totally ruins all my relationships with men because of that and because I end up getting scared that the man will leave just like my father and every other man in my life has done and I push him away completely because I don’t want to get hurt. Before I knew my self worth, I’d deal with men that were like my father with the abuse physically, verbally, and emotionally. They were like him in many ways with his temper, his violence, his words, his actions, and his attitude. I dealt with them and accepted the way they were because my father was like that and I so desperately wanted a fatherly figure. Father’s are supposed to set the standard for the men that their daughter’s let in the lives and supposed to set the standards for the way their sons will be as a man. I guess in a way my father did his job of setting the standard for me for men in my life for a while before I found my worth. Now I know a man is not supposed to be like my father. A man is supposed to be honest, caring, loving, responsible, respectful, and reliable towards his littles and spouse. A man is not supposed to abuse his littles or spouse or anyone physically, emotionally, sexually, or verbally. A man is not supposed to down grade his littles or spouse. A man is not supposed to lie to his littles or spouse. A man is not supposed to cheat on his spouse. A man is supposed to be there physically and emotionally for his littles and spouse. A man is supposed to set the standard for the man his son will be and the men that his daughter will let in her life. A man is supposed to help support his littles and spouse. My father did everything he wasn’t supposed to do and didn’t do everything he supposed to do. I will never let any man do anything that my father did to me or my littles.

A big part that pisses me off about my father as well is that he is not in his grandchildren’s lives. I understand if he has a problem with me or doesn’t want to be in my life but why not be in my littles lives? I don’t get it. We’ve tried to see him by us driving there before. We’ve tried to call him numerous times. We’ve tried to meet up with him on scheduled occasions. Every time, it’s an excuse. Mainly the excuse is that he’s sleeping or tired. How can you be so tired if you aren’t working? That doesn’t make sense.
My littles need a grandpa. A real grandpa that will love them, care for them, and be there for them. I have many fond memories of my grandpa’s.

My grandpa Larry was one of the most amazing grandpa’s ever. He actually cared for his littles and his grand – littles. He spent quality time with us in the yard, on the boat fishing, on his tractor Wagon, singing us songs, making root beer floats with us, and many more times. I have so many memories of him.

My grandpa Pedro is amazing. We don’t get to see him much anymore but he was always there for us both physically and emotionally. He actually cared about us. He would actually listen to us. He lived in the real life and would teach us real life things that we needed to know to survive.

My grandpa John was always so much fun. He would take us boating, have yummy food, and would have funny jokes, even though a lot were more adult humor for the adults. I don’t see him much anymore but I’m going to be trying to see him more. He still is a good grandpa to my younger siblings.

My grandpa Larry is very smart. He knows so much about cooking and cars. He taught my sister so much and always encouraged us to do good. I always thought he looked like Santa Clause with his beard.

My great grandpa Jo was very loving. I didn’t get to spend much time with him but I remember he was very nice. He always seemed to care about everyone.

I really wish my littles would have moments like those with their grandpa’s. I really do. They deserve to have a grandpa. I always thought my father would be a good grandpa and would kind of grow up like his father. It doesn’t seem like that will come true at all but it’s nice to wish.

The truth is that things happen in life and people do things in our lives that affect us greatly. We can’t change those things but can change how we react and how we let it affect us in our lives. We can decide who we will let have control over our emotions. My father most likely will never be in my life or my littles lives. Sure it hurts a lot but I can’t let it control my emotions forever and run my life. He wasn’t a very good father and honestly now that I think of it,  I don’t know if I’d like him around my littles at all or around myself. He caused a lot of pain, issues, and fear with me and a few siblings of mine. That’s not the type of person I want around my littles or myself.

I may not have a real father or fatherly figure in my life but I’m going to survive and succeed. I’m going to make it with or without him. I got this, I know I do.

God Parents and Communication

My littles’ father and I tried to decide who their God Parents are going to be.. it was meant to be a discussion.. but ended up to be just one person saying something and that was supposed to be the decision. Funny thing is though, that is doesn’t work like that with communication or with being parents to our littles. It is not a debate or someone ruling every thing when we are talking about an important matter in our littles’ lives. Communication is supposed to be key in every relationship whether it be a romantic one, parenting one, or job one. But how do you communicate with someone that doesn’t want to communicate with you except that what they said is the one and only final answer that we are allowed to make and anything else is well, plain old dumb? Kind of over this plain old dumb communication that isn’t really communication at all! So now I am taking a break, will re discuss the God Parents matter another time, and will let it fly off my shoulders for now before I get any more irritated. Maybe our littles will have 3 God mothers, who knows. All I know is that I will have a say in the matter and will not just give thst position to just anyone.

Him

I don’t know what it is about him but I can’t stop thinking about him. Every moment of the day, I miss him. I wish he would just come back right this minute and we would live together again and be a happy family once again. We had only lived together once since our littles have been older now for a little less than a year. I want to try it again. I miss him. Our littles miss him. He says he misses our littles. I don’t think he misses me though. I know we’ve had our issues but for the majority of the year that he was living here and we were together and making things work, not just roommate parents, it was perfect. I was the happiest I’ve ever been and so were our littles and him. I want that back. For Christmas, my littles had our family as their top number 1 wish on their Christmas lists. Now for Little #2’s birthday, if you ask him what he wants for his birthday, he says he wants their dad here. That’s so devastating because no matter what I do, he won’t come back right now. I know we never know what will happen in the future so maybe in the future he will but right now he isn’t here and my littles and I are still heartbroken about it. I’ve apologized for pushing him away before and not being very nice. He’s apologized as well. That should all count for something at least but doesn’t seem like it does. I’ve told him how I feel and it doesn’t seem to matter. He’s the one I want. He’s the only one I want. I want to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him. I want to raise our littles together as a family. He’s the only one I want to do that with. He’s the only one I love, care about, and want to be with.

Breaking Point Reached

Sometimes we have those moments. Those moments when we freak out and lose it. Those moments when we have no clue what to do and are lost. Those moments when we want to pull out all our hair, scream, and lose control.

I had one of those moments today.

Both littles had been being horrible, of course after all the arts and crafts we did from Christmas. We got a ride to Walmart and the library to get some temporary hair dye for temporary highlights for my littles’ hair as meeting in the middle with them since they both want to dye their hair. We met in the middle with their dad over the phone and agreed that they could get temporary highlights in their hair that lasts a day or a few days in fun colors like pink and blue like they wanted.

But then it started. One couldn’t find their hat. One couldn’t understand why we don’t hit each other and kept hitting. One couldn’t understand why we can’t touch everything in the store. One couldn’t understand why we couldn’t have everything in the whole store that moment. One thought it would be fun to grab things off the shelves and put them all in the cart before I could see until we were about to leave. One couldn’t understand anything that was coming out of my mouth, such as stop, don’t touch that, or knock it off before you’re grounded for life. One couldn’t understand why the world doesn’t revolve around them at all periods of time. One couldn’t understand why someone was walking out and thought that someone was leaving us there to walk home. One was thinking they are the boss of the whole world. One was getting to realize that we were being rushed so was freaking out themselves.

I had had it. Completely. Couldn’t take it anymore.

Then I burst.
As we got home.
I lost it.

I was completely tired of being at the end of one of my littles blunt aggressive anger period in my little’s life that I always feel the wrath of unlike other people except my other little that gets it too. I get beat up on, kicked, punched, bit, screamed at, yelled at, the doors slammed in my face, things thrown at me, etc. All this constant anger, sadness, and frustration is all built up in my little almost 6 year old. All because my little wants their dad permanently. I don’t blame my little and I try to help as much as possible with feelings, talking things out, and spending more time with each other but nothing helps because my little only wants one thing. Their dad. And no matter what I do, I can’t make him live here again right this instant to help my little or anything. I’ve talked with their dad to figure something out numerous times and now we are taking it slow and getting things about ourselves working out first and maybe in a couple months we can live together again focusing on our littles. Couple months feel like a lifetime dealing with all this especially to my littles but they don’t know the plans of this just in case it doesn’t work. But their dad has been stepping up majorly and helping. It helps a lot but doesn’t fix the problem because he’s not here yet for our littles living here and can’t see them every day because of work. It’s so hard to be at the end of my littles anger and it all be directed towards me. I’ll admit I could have handled things way better with their dad and done a lot of things differently with their dad so it didn’t end up the way it did. This time, it was majority my fault with him not being here. Every time we got in a argument which was a lot of the time, I’d threaten for him to have to leave and move out. Mainly because that’s what I seen in my life happen if things didn’t work out between people in relationships and parents. Also mainly because I didn’t want to be left and left hurting so it was easier just to try and make him leave myself. At least I thought so at the time. I didn’t realize what was at stake, how much I messed up everything, and how much I truly loved him until the last straw with me made him move because I kicked him out for the last time. I understand this is my fault. I understand that it has hurt all of us, especially our littles. I understand the effect it has had on all of us. I understand that my littles are mad at me for it and so was their dad and I was mad at myself too. I understand this is why my little is acting out majorly. If I could I’d take it all back and redo it better than ever.

One of my littles was pushing me and screaming at me because I am the worst mom ever, which I tend to disagree.

I pushed my little back. Not very hard. But enough for him to fall back on their bottom.
I screamed.
I threw a big fit.
Just like both of my littles do.
I kicked my feet.
I threw up my arms and threw them all around.
I didn’t listen to anything they were saying.
I told one that they were grounded to their room the rest of the night until they checked their attitude.
I told one to clean up their mess from earlier that they wouldn’t clean up at all.

I scared them. And myself. Seeing my littles look at me like that scared myself more than ever before.

They actually listened though to the last two things I told them to do: one stay in room until checked their attitude and one clean up their mess that they were told 10 times to do.

I had just finished yelling and freaking out and just sat down to breath for a moment when a miracle happened.

Their dad knocked at the front door and walked in.
Just when he was very much needed.
He seen me, knew something was wrong, and called both littles to him.
He talked to them about plans all the sudden for them to come with him to the shop while he quickly fixes a car and for them to come over to his house and sleep over.
He helped them get ready.
He helped them do what they needed to do.
He helped.
He came to the rescue even though he didn’t know he was needed at that exact moment.

So thankful for their dad even though we have our moments.

He talked with our littles later after I messaged him and told him what happened. He helped explain that I reached my breaking point because of their behavior and my fault as well and sometimes people reach their breaking point and do things they don’t mean. He explained that it won’t happen again to the point it did.

I talked with him afterwards and apologized. He understood and so did our littles.

I will admit I freaked out and reached my breaking point. I will admit I scared my littles and myself.

But I will also promise I will not let it get like that again. I promise I will learn how to soothe myself and calm myself down during a time like this. I will read books on parenting to better my parenting with my littles.

I will do better.
I promise my littles and myself that.