Thankful Challenge Day 8: Acceptance of the Things I Cannot Change

On day 8 of my thankful challenge for November, I am thankful for acceptance of the things I cannot change. Now for anyone that knows me, it is very easy to tell this acceptance has been very hard for me for my whole 20 something years of being in this world. It still is a bit hard for me but its gotten better. It’s been a long time coming and much needed for me in my life.

One thing has really brought this acceptance lesson about things I cannot change upon me: my Little’s father.

For years, 9 years to be exact, I have been trying to work things out with him for myself, our Littles, and him. I’ve tried just about anything and everything. I tried to communicate effectively with him over the years since that has always been a big issue with us. I’ve tried being 100% honest with him even when it hurt to tell the truth and I was scared how he would react about the smallest simplest things. I even researched numerous times over the years on things to do that can help like couples therapy, The Love Dare, and many other things. I tried to do things sexually that he wanted me to do that I thought would help us in our on and off again relationship. I changed myself and molded myself into the woman he wanted me to be to the point that I completely lost myself where it took a little over a year twice to find myself all over again. I cleaned as much as I could, tried to be there physically and emotionally for him through everything, and dealt with anything and everything he put me through. I pushed many guys that were very nice that wanted a chance with me away for him. I moved for him. I cut off a lot of my family and friends and hurt them for him since he didn’t like them or they didn’t like him. I burned so many bridges in my life so that I could be with him. Every day, I would encourage him to be back with our Littles and I as a family. I would invite him to just about every event in our Littles lives and my life. I ended up rescheduling and canceling many events so that we could be with him or he could come to the events and he wouldn’t miss out even though he never ended up coming. I made sure to never say anything bad in front of our Littles about him so I wouldn’t taint or ruin their view of him and so they could make up their own mind about him. I stuck up for him every time someone including my loved ones said something negative about him. I borrowed him so much money over the years, even though I never seen a penny back, even when I was supposed to use that money for our Littles, even though he was supposed to be the one paying me child support for them. I always gave a million excuses for him to my loved ones and our Littles for his actions when it was brought up such as why he didn’t show up for the 10th time for our Littles to an important event in their lives. I loved him always even when he would lie, be disrespectful, and treat me like absolute shit. I was always there for the bad and good times. I encouraged one of our Littles to have a relationship with him even though she didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I believed he couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything wrong to anyone as naive as that is based on my past and the fact that I don’t believe or trust anyone. When child support put out the first warrant for him, I tried to help him. When they were going to put out the second warrant for him not paying, I saved his ass and paid it so he wouldn’t have to go to jail again. Every holiday, I would reach out to him with our Littles for him to be with us even though he barely ever ended up being with us. I took him back every time through everything. I would bite my tongue so much whenever we would talk for a while that my tongue hurt majority of the time whenever we’d start to talk. I didn’t really talk about my needs or wants since they weren’t important compared to his and our Littles’. Every holiday, event, and special moment that our Littles and I had, I would spend most of my time wishing and hoping he would be there and would try to get him to be there but he almost always never came. I even lowered the child support amount a few years ago so the least amount he could pay to try and accommodate his needs and wants in hopes he wouldn’t leave our Littles lives even though I really needed the funds to help support them badly. He still never paid even though I did that.

I tried anything and everything to make it work. There was always someone or something better than our Littles and myself for him in his life that came first for him. No matter what I did or tried or said, it never helped.

He still isn’t there for our Littles.

He’s still only there for one of our Littles only about four days out of every month, even though they are BOTH ours.

He still doesn’t know really anything about one of our Littles. He doesn’t know her favorite color. Or her favorite food. Or her favorite thing to do. Or her favorite animal. Or how she likes her name written. Or her laugh. Or her silly self. Or how she is with people that she is comfortable with. Or who her teacher is. Or how old she is. Or what she is passionate about. Or what causes her anxiety. Or what makes her laugh and smile. Or her favorite sport. Or her favorite movie. Or the songs she knows by heart that she sings with all her might. Or her favorite board game that she always whoops my ass in. Or her favorite outfit. Or the differences in her cries. Or that he causes a lot of the anxiety and fear in her even though he’s supposed to be her father.

He’s still not there for our Littles events.
He’s still not there for holidays.

He’s still disrespectful towards me and has no respect for me.

He’s still disrespectful towards our Littles and has no respect for them.

He’s still not paying child support even though there will be a warrant going out again soon for him for not.

He’s still the same jack ass.

And I’m, for the first time ever in my life, done. 100% done. No more, not less: DONE.

Done with him. Done with the lying, disrespecting, using, getting treated like shit, and everything else in between.

I accept that things are shitty with him. I accept things will never work with him. I accept that things will not change, no matter what I had tried or did. I accept that things with him are not okay. I accept that I must take a stand for the better of my Littles and I.

I accept the things I cannot change and I’m so thankful for that.

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My reasons for this acceptance in the things I cannot change

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A Different Perspective

Do you ever have moments where a lot of hard stressful things keep happening back to back in your life? Or moments when you have no clue where to turn to next? Or moments when you think your life is the worst it can be right now with all these bad things keep happening and are just praying hoping for the day everything will get better?

I have those moments a lot, and I sure do mean a lot. You know how people say bad things come in three’s? Well, bad things come in 10’s for me it seems like. I know when a few bad things start happening, I need to try and get prepared and put my big girl panties on because a lot more bad things are going to happen ASAP.

I used to think “Why me?” “Why would God let all this struggle happen to me?” “What did I do that is so wrong that all these bad things keep happening?”. I would have a huge pity party for myself. Behind closed doors, I would throw the biggest fit. I would scream, cry, and act like a little baby when everything just seemed to go downhill more than I could even imagine. I would want to give up because I didn’t know how I could pick up the pieces again from everything that has happened that is completely messed up for my Littles and I. Eventually I would pick myself right back up and keep trying my hardest to put everything back on track by fixing the problems but I would still have those negative thoughts and still be down on myself. When something good would happen, I wouldn’t believe it completely since I’m so used to all these bad things happening. I would push myself away from good things in a way. If I seen someone that had the perfect relationship with their loved one, an amazing bond with their Littles, the job or career that I wanted so badly, the home life that I so desperately hoped for I would get jealous that they have what I’ve wanted so badly. I knew it just wasn’t my time yet so I would try to stay positive and hopeful that one day, everything for my Littles and I would fall into place even though I always had the negative in the back of my head.

But then there are things that I happen to see, read, or hear that totally put everything bad into perspective that changes my whole outlook on my life and my so called “struggles” that have seemed so hard to get through.

I have very someone close to me that is going through a lot of life changing situations right now. She is a very strong, hard working, and amazing woman. Everything that is going on in her life is huge and heartbreaking right now. It’s devastating to see her and her family have to go through all this.

There is a page on Facebook that I absolutely love, even though it brings me to tears almost every time I look at it or it pops up in my news feed. It’s called Humans Of New York. They tell people’s stories of things that have happened in their lives one story at a time. They have a website too at Humans Of New York Website just in case you don’t have a Facebook and want to check them out.

Their page and website are amazing. It truly is. They travel and share people’s stories from around the world in their series. Humans of New York try to help as many people as they can that share their stories with them and let everyone know how they can help also. They have done Humans of New York, Humans of Pakistan, Humans of Iran, and now they are doing Humans of New York: Refugees Stories. Read a few of their stories they share and I can guarantee you that your outlook on life will be changed and your struggles won’t seem big at all anymore.

Here are a few of the stories they have shared recently:

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The picture of the beautiful family behind the story above

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The woman behind the story above

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Part 1

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Part 2

Every time I read one of these stories, it breaks my heart and changes everything for me and makes me think, wow my struggles aren’t anything compared to other people’s struggles that are way worse. I wish I can help all of the people that are struggling. These stories motivate me more to take action to do that and there are way worse things that could happen.

Things can change for the worst or the best in a blink of a eye and there’s not much you can do about it besides going with the flow and trying to keep yourself above the water. Fix all those relationships and broken bridges in your life. Those arguments that you can’t seem to get over with a friend or family member aren’t worth it. All that past hurt and anger that are still bottled up inside of you isn’t worth it. Those relationships you just cut off so quickly because of disagreements, the past, or things that hurt you that happened aren’t worth it. The more you hold onto all of that, the more it will only hurt you in the end. Forgive others, not for them but for yourself so you can be free from all the hurt, anger, and sadness. Actually live life. Laugh your heart out. Put down the camera and participate in the moments of life. Capture the moments in your brain so that you can always remember them always, not just when you are looking back at photos. Live in the moment. Live life! This is the only one you have.

Remembering My Childhood

I had counseling today which has helped me so much! It may be weird to some, but I absolutely love going to counseling. It helps me in so many ways to talk to my counsler.

A big thing we talked about is my childhood. I feel lost about my childhood in a way and stuck. I don’t remember a lot from back then but the most of the things I do remember are things I don’t care to remember at all. I have bits and pieces of my childhood of the good things in my head but can’t piece everything together. When someone, like my littles, asks me something about my childhood most of the time I feel stupid because I can’t remember or don’t know. Like recently my littles asked me if my family ever had family night growing up when I was their ages or what we did on Christmas or if I was ever read a bed time story by my mom or dad or things like that, I have no clue. I don’t remember at all. I have scrapbooks for my littles and I. Both of my littles each have a scrapbook for ages birth – age 5 and one from 5 – and up. I have one as well for me. Theirs are pretty thick, at least the first ones are since they are 6 years old and 7 years old. I lost a lot of my pictures of them and cameras from moving so much but I found a lot on MySpace and Facebook on my profiles of them. Mine isn’t very thick at all. I have some pictures that I received from my grandma that are very special to me from me growing up that have helped me a lot. I love all those pictures. I just wish I could fill in the blanks to the areas in my life I don’t remember which is a lot. In counseling today we discussed this a lot. My counsler made a very good point. It may not matter exactly everything that happened in every single moment. No one can remember all of that. It’s okay to not have many memories of people that are important in your life, you just have to create new ones. My counseler did an excercise with me. She asked me what my littles and I had for dinner the night before. I told her we had tacos for dinner. She asked what ingredients did we use, how many did we have, when did we eat, how did we eat them, etc. I couldn’t remember all of that. She asked what the most important part of it was. I said that I spent time with my family eating dinner together which was the most important thing to me about it. Sometimes it’s okay that we don’t remember every single detail but that we remember the main important parts. I remember that I spent a lot of time with my sister Jessica and  my brothers Alex and Aaron. I remember watching X FILES. I remember watching Bananas in Pajamas. That was all quality time spent. I remember my sister and brother digging in the dumpster to find things to have our own garage sale in the front lawn of our apartment that we lived in. I remember the bond that my sister and brothers had. I remember getting a big black gorilla with a banana in its hand from Woodman’s in in the freezer section on top of the freezers. I loved that gorilla. I remember playing with my barbie sets in a cupboard in the dresser we had. I remember my sister playing with beanie babies and tricking my brother and I with them saying they came alive at night. I remember building a snowman with my sister and foster sister. I remember smelling the fresh bread that my foster mom was making. I remember playing barbies at her home. I remember all the American dolls. I remember my foster mom’s garden. I wanted a garden like that when I was older. I do have these memories and some more. My childhood was kind of messy. BUT I did spend a lot of quality time with people in my life that mean a lot to me, made a lot of treasuring moments, and can continue making more.

Amazing People

Since I’ve starting blogging on here just even as a way to express myself, I’ve met some wonderful amazing people on here. There are so many amazing people on here that are very encouraging, smart, and inspiring. I’m so thankful for them all!

Thank you to everyone on here that has helped me, encouraged me, and inspired me in many ways!

Parenting Styles – Positive Parenting

I’m in a struggle right now trying to figure out a parenting style that I want to parent my littles and actually doing it. It may not seem big to you, but it’s huge for me. I’ve always been scared that I have no clue what to do as a parent but I now have at least some confidence in myself as a parent. I will admit to the fullest though that I need to work on a lot in the parenting department and I’m trying my hardest to.

I never knew there were different exact parenting styles when I had my littles or when they were younger. Just like I didn’t know about baby wearing, making home made baby food, food dyes, etc. I wish I did but I didn’t know anyone that did or seemed to care about any of those things.

I’ve been added to a bunch of parenting groups on Facebook that range from RIE parenting, positive parenting, attachment parenting, etc. I’ve been on the groups for a while. I read posts all the time and comment sometimes. I’ve even asked for advice on parenting. I have picked some things from each parenting style that I believe in and do already or am learning about and trying to do. I know what I believe in and know how I want to parent but I’m stuck on actually learning it and doing it. The one parenting style that I really follow, enjoy, and have learned a lot from is positive parenting. That’s the parenting style I want to do but I have no clue on how to learn it and do it! I don’t know anyone that does positive parenting, that knows about it, or that grew up with it.

If you know anything about positive parenting, teach me! Pretty please!!

One of the Last Posts from Lisa

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This is one of my best friend Lisa’s Facebook posts in 2011 before she passed away this month in 2012 due to domestic violence. When I see this, I get so mad and sad. Lisa was so full of life, determination, and passion. I miss her more than life itself and wish I could talk to her and see her one last time. She didn’t deserve in any possible way what happened to her and should still be here.

Fly high Lisa. Miss you tons and love you to the moon and back.

A Letter to Myself to Read on New Year’s Eve 2015

You should know that you are an amazing young beautiful smart woman. You are more capable than you ever thought. Life has its ups and downs but you have to push through. All of that is part of life. There is going to be sadness, madness, joy, excitement, hard times, etc and times may get to you. If you are feeling sad, feel it. Let it out. If you are mad, feel it. Let it out. If you are happy, feel it. Let it out. With every feeling, feel it and let it out. Live in the moment to the fullest. But make sure you pick yourself up and continue on your journey in life. Live every single day to the fullest and in the moment. Always remember what you learned at the Grounded and Moving workshop. For a reminder, check your scrapbook. Your littles’ father is doing the best he can. Give him some credit. He has really stepped up and grew up. Give him praise and be thankful. Stop pushing him away. Give yourself some credit as well. You are doing good. Could be doing better in certain areas but you are getting some help and you should be so proud of yourself for that. Always remember your littles are just that, littles. Give them some credit and slack. They are doing the best they can for the ages that they are and for the given circumstances. Remember that they helped save your life for the better and help you mature and grow. It is not your job to mold them into who you want them to be. It is your job to help raise them, believe in them, inspire them, help them grow, teach them, and love them no matter what. Stop pushing every one away. It does no good at all. You can’t punish them for other people’s actions or words. Not everyone is going to hurt you or run away or leave. Some may stay for a moment or a life time. Some may leave. Either way, it is apart of life. Some people stay, some people go. Each has a life lesson to teach you. It’s the part of how you handle it and get back up that matters the most. Don’t live in the past any longer. It does no good what so ever. When you live in the past, you become full of anger, sadness, jealousy, hurt, and meanness. You push everyone away. You be mean to everyone, including the ones closet to you. You hurt people before they can hurt you which causes both of you a lot of pain. You punish people that did nothing to you. You ruin a lot of relationships. The past is the past. There might have been times when you were a victim in your past. But you are not one anymore. You are a survivor. And it’s time to live the in the moment, not the past or the future. It is okay to be wrong at times even though you hate it. You can’t know every thing. It’s okay to be open to new ideas and new ways. It’s okay to be wrong and important to to apologize. That’s a big step but a very important one, no matter who criticizes you for it. It’s a major step to accept that you were wrong or did wrong, and to own up to it. Especially a big step for you. Be thankful for everyone and everything in your life, even the people that have done you wrong and the things that you regret or have changed your life. Without them, you wouldn’t be the woman you are today. Always remember taking your Drugs and Society class at Blackhawk this past semester and what you learned and overcame because of that class. People may make mistakes but you can’t hold that against them. They aren’t the same person they were in the past. Some may be, but your mom isn’t. It was very good of you to forgive her like you did. Always remember that you did and the things you learned the next time you have a dream about what happened in the past again before you get all mad and sad living in the past again. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in life at this time. It’s okay to dream of where you want to be in life right now. But it will be your time sometime soon. Right now, just laugh, cry, enjoy, and live in the moment for yourself. Believe in yourself. You have a lot of greatness inside of you. You will do great things. Continue writing your heart out. Be careful with how you write though so you don’t hurt anyone. Communication is key to every relationship. Even with sister’s, brother’s, mom’s, love relationships, etc. Communication matters. No one can read your mind. If you have something to say, say it before it’s too late. It’s good to stand up for what you believe. Never push it onto some one else though. Every one has their own beliefs and that’s just fine. Friendships and relationships can be difficult if you always have high expectations of them because of everything you would and have done for them. If you need or want them to be there for you when you have a loss in your life, a big moment in your life, or just need their presence, let them know. They can’t read your mind or see between the lines. They won’t know if you don’t tell them. Maybe they can’t be there for you physically, but most likely they can be there for you emotionally as much as possible. Think of yourself as a pie. Some people may not be able to handle all of you. Some people may be your friend, but you guys aren’t little friends or love relationship friends or work friends and that’s just fine. Not everyone can handle everything you have to offer and may not be your friend in exactly the same way and that’s just fine. It’s good to have strong beliefs but be careful not to push everyone on someone because it might hurt them. Stop getting to caught up with life that you stop appreciating life and noticing the beauty in life. You are certain that if you take your grief and you hold on tight to it, it multiplies and divides and soon conquers you so that it wins a war that was never meant to be started. It’s okay to grieve. You can grieve for however long after after the loss as you want and you can grieve in whatever way you see fit. But you must get right back up afterwards and continue pushing through in life. Just because someone is gone on this earth, doesn’t mean that they are completely gone from your life. They are watching over you, cheering you on, and on your side. It is never “goodbye,” it is always “until we see each other again.” You are sure that tomorrow is not guaranteed and that too many people wait so long to say something, feel something, or go someplace. Too damn long. Never be one of those people again. The bad stuff is easier to believe. But it doesn’t mean that the good stuff isn’t right. Just means to find your worth. It’s okay to take some time for yourself. You need it to keep going on. You need it to say “yes, I’m alive and I can do it again.” Pick out a spot and take a least 5 minutes to yourself. A spot only for yourself, your only place for a few minutes or longer for time for yourself. Only yourself. Silence your phone, ignore all the world as long as your littles are safe, and take this time to put your world back together again and keep yourself sane. Read, pray, talk to yourself, listen to a song, think, scrapbook, do whatever your heart desires in these moments. Just always tell yourself “Yes, I’m alive and I can do it again.” Get organized. Smile. Give back. Approach things with 0% hesitation and 100% fearlessness. Live life. Get close to your family. Happiness starts with yourself. You’re going places. Find peace. Simplify your life. Volunteer. Be healthy. Have a game plan and a backup plan. Get up and go. Be a new you.

Little #2’s January Birthday

Pretty soon it is my littles Little #2’s birthday in January. He will be 6 years old. I can’t believe it!

It’s kind of hard for me in a way during this time. Mainly because of my pregnancy with Little #2, almost giving him up for adoption, and the postpartum depression that I had that was beyond horrible with him. Just hurts about it everything in the past and I still feel horrible about everything.

My relationship with Little #2 has greatly changed and improved in a lot of ways. It still needs improvement but we’ve came a lot way. I just hope and pray that he will not be mad at me any longer and that we can fix this.

I’m so proud of my little #2. He is so smart, always making people laugh, offers to help others, is sensitive, thoughtful, inspiring, funny, loving, generous, and amazing. He has grown so much into a handsome young man. He means the whole world to me. Love my Little #2!

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My Uterus

I think my uterus has literally just jumped out into incoming traffic after spending the night at one of my best friend’s with her and her two littles. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my littles be actual babies it feels like. So not used to the crying, screaming, and no sleep!

Breaking Point Reached

Sometimes we have those moments. Those moments when we freak out and lose it. Those moments when we have no clue what to do and are lost. Those moments when we want to pull out all our hair, scream, and lose control.

I had one of those moments today.

Both littles had been being horrible, of course after all the arts and crafts we did from Christmas. We got a ride to Walmart and the library to get some temporary hair dye for temporary highlights for my littles’ hair as meeting in the middle with them since they both want to dye their hair. We met in the middle with their dad over the phone and agreed that they could get temporary highlights in their hair that lasts a day or a few days in fun colors like pink and blue like they wanted.

But then it started. One couldn’t find their hat. One couldn’t understand why we don’t hit each other and kept hitting. One couldn’t understand why we can’t touch everything in the store. One couldn’t understand why we couldn’t have everything in the whole store that moment. One thought it would be fun to grab things off the shelves and put them all in the cart before I could see until we were about to leave. One couldn’t understand anything that was coming out of my mouth, such as stop, don’t touch that, or knock it off before you’re grounded for life. One couldn’t understand why the world doesn’t revolve around them at all periods of time. One couldn’t understand why someone was walking out and thought that someone was leaving us there to walk home. One was thinking they are the boss of the whole world. One was getting to realize that we were being rushed so was freaking out themselves.

I had had it. Completely. Couldn’t take it anymore.

Then I burst.
As we got home.
I lost it.

I was completely tired of being at the end of one of my littles blunt aggressive anger period in my little’s life that I always feel the wrath of unlike other people except my other little that gets it too. I get beat up on, kicked, punched, bit, screamed at, yelled at, the doors slammed in my face, things thrown at me, etc. All this constant anger, sadness, and frustration is all built up in my little almost 6 year old. All because my little wants their dad permanently. I don’t blame my little and I try to help as much as possible with feelings, talking things out, and spending more time with each other but nothing helps because my little only wants one thing. Their dad. And no matter what I do, I can’t make him live here again right this instant to help my little or anything. I’ve talked with their dad to figure something out numerous times and now we are taking it slow and getting things about ourselves working out first and maybe in a couple months we can live together again focusing on our littles. Couple months feel like a lifetime dealing with all this especially to my littles but they don’t know the plans of this just in case it doesn’t work. But their dad has been stepping up majorly and helping. It helps a lot but doesn’t fix the problem because he’s not here yet for our littles living here and can’t see them every day because of work. It’s so hard to be at the end of my littles anger and it all be directed towards me. I’ll admit I could have handled things way better with their dad and done a lot of things differently with their dad so it didn’t end up the way it did. This time, it was majority my fault with him not being here. Every time we got in a argument which was a lot of the time, I’d threaten for him to have to leave and move out. Mainly because that’s what I seen in my life happen if things didn’t work out between people in relationships and parents. Also mainly because I didn’t want to be left and left hurting so it was easier just to try and make him leave myself. At least I thought so at the time. I didn’t realize what was at stake, how much I messed up everything, and how much I truly loved him until the last straw with me made him move because I kicked him out for the last time. I understand this is my fault. I understand that it has hurt all of us, especially our littles. I understand the effect it has had on all of us. I understand that my littles are mad at me for it and so was their dad and I was mad at myself too. I understand this is why my little is acting out majorly. If I could I’d take it all back and redo it better than ever.

One of my littles was pushing me and screaming at me because I am the worst mom ever, which I tend to disagree.

I pushed my little back. Not very hard. But enough for him to fall back on their bottom.
I screamed.
I threw a big fit.
Just like both of my littles do.
I kicked my feet.
I threw up my arms and threw them all around.
I didn’t listen to anything they were saying.
I told one that they were grounded to their room the rest of the night until they checked their attitude.
I told one to clean up their mess from earlier that they wouldn’t clean up at all.

I scared them. And myself. Seeing my littles look at me like that scared myself more than ever before.

They actually listened though to the last two things I told them to do: one stay in room until checked their attitude and one clean up their mess that they were told 10 times to do.

I had just finished yelling and freaking out and just sat down to breath for a moment when a miracle happened.

Their dad knocked at the front door and walked in.
Just when he was very much needed.
He seen me, knew something was wrong, and called both littles to him.
He talked to them about plans all the sudden for them to come with him to the shop while he quickly fixes a car and for them to come over to his house and sleep over.
He helped them get ready.
He helped them do what they needed to do.
He helped.
He came to the rescue even though he didn’t know he was needed at that exact moment.

So thankful for their dad even though we have our moments.

He talked with our littles later after I messaged him and told him what happened. He helped explain that I reached my breaking point because of their behavior and my fault as well and sometimes people reach their breaking point and do things they don’t mean. He explained that it won’t happen again to the point it did.

I talked with him afterwards and apologized. He understood and so did our littles.

I will admit I freaked out and reached my breaking point. I will admit I scared my littles and myself.

But I will also promise I will not let it get like that again. I promise I will learn how to soothe myself and calm myself down during a time like this. I will read books on parenting to better my parenting with my littles.

I will do better.
I promise my littles and myself that.