On day 8 of my thankful challenge for November, I am thankful for acceptance of the things I cannot change. Now for anyone that knows me, it is very easy to tell this acceptance has been very hard for me for my whole 20 something years of being in this world. It still is a bit hard for me but its gotten better. It’s been a long time coming and much needed for me in my life.
One thing has really brought this acceptance lesson about things I cannot change upon me: my Little’s father.
For years, 9 years to be exact, I have been trying to work things out with him for myself, our Littles, and him. I’ve tried just about anything and everything. I tried to communicate effectively with him over the years since that has always been a big issue with us. I’ve tried being 100% honest with him even when it hurt to tell the truth and I was scared how he would react about the smallest simplest things. I even researched numerous times over the years on things to do that can help like couples therapy, The Love Dare, and many other things. I tried to do things sexually that he wanted me to do that I thought would help us in our on and off again relationship. I changed myself and molded myself into the woman he wanted me to be to the point that I completely lost myself where it took a little over a year twice to find myself all over again. I cleaned as much as I could, tried to be there physically and emotionally for him through everything, and dealt with anything and everything he put me through. I pushed many guys that were very nice that wanted a chance with me away for him. I moved for him. I cut off a lot of my family and friends and hurt them for him since he didn’t like them or they didn’t like him. I burned so many bridges in my life so that I could be with him. Every day, I would encourage him to be back with our Littles and I as a family. I would invite him to just about every event in our Littles lives and my life. I ended up rescheduling and canceling many events so that we could be with him or he could come to the events and he wouldn’t miss out even though he never ended up coming. I made sure to never say anything bad in front of our Littles about him so I wouldn’t taint or ruin their view of him and so they could make up their own mind about him. I stuck up for him every time someone including my loved ones said something negative about him. I borrowed him so much money over the years, even though I never seen a penny back, even when I was supposed to use that money for our Littles, even though he was supposed to be the one paying me child support for them. I always gave a million excuses for him to my loved ones and our Littles for his actions when it was brought up such as why he didn’t show up for the 10th time for our Littles to an important event in their lives. I loved him always even when he would lie, be disrespectful, and treat me like absolute shit. I was always there for the bad and good times. I encouraged one of our Littles to have a relationship with him even though she didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I believed he couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything wrong to anyone as naive as that is based on my past and the fact that I don’t believe or trust anyone. When child support put out the first warrant for him, I tried to help him. When they were going to put out the second warrant for him not paying, I saved his ass and paid it so he wouldn’t have to go to jail again. Every holiday, I would reach out to him with our Littles for him to be with us even though he barely ever ended up being with us. I took him back every time through everything. I would bite my tongue so much whenever we would talk for a while that my tongue hurt majority of the time whenever we’d start to talk. I didn’t really talk about my needs or wants since they weren’t important compared to his and our Littles’. Every holiday, event, and special moment that our Littles and I had, I would spend most of my time wishing and hoping he would be there and would try to get him to be there but he almost always never came. I even lowered the child support amount a few years ago so the least amount he could pay to try and accommodate his needs and wants in hopes he wouldn’t leave our Littles lives even though I really needed the funds to help support them badly. He still never paid even though I did that.
I tried anything and everything to make it work. There was always someone or something better than our Littles and myself for him in his life that came first for him. No matter what I did or tried or said, it never helped.
He still isn’t there for our Littles.
He’s still only there for one of our Littles only about four days out of every month, even though they are BOTH ours.
He still doesn’t know really anything about one of our Littles. He doesn’t know her favorite color. Or her favorite food. Or her favorite thing to do. Or her favorite animal. Or how she likes her name written. Or her laugh. Or her silly self. Or how she is with people that she is comfortable with. Or who her teacher is. Or how old she is. Or what she is passionate about. Or what causes her anxiety. Or what makes her laugh and smile. Or her favorite sport. Or her favorite movie. Or the songs she knows by heart that she sings with all her might. Or her favorite board game that she always whoops my ass in. Or her favorite outfit. Or the differences in her cries. Or that he causes a lot of the anxiety and fear in her even though he’s supposed to be her father.
He’s still not there for our Littles events.
He’s still not there for holidays.
He’s still disrespectful towards me and has no respect for me.
He’s still disrespectful towards our Littles and has no respect for them.
He’s still not paying child support even though there will be a warrant going out again soon for him for not.
He’s still the same jack ass.
And I’m, for the first time ever in my life, done. 100% done. No more, not less: DONE.
Done with him. Done with the lying, disrespecting, using, getting treated like shit, and everything else in between.
I accept that things are shitty with him. I accept things will never work with him. I accept that things will not change, no matter what I had tried or did. I accept that things with him are not okay. I accept that I must take a stand for the better of my Littles and I.
I accept the things I cannot change and I’m so thankful for that.