Little #2’s 6th Birthday Party

Today was my son, Little #2’s birthday party! I will total admit that when I was setting up two hours early with my other little at McDonald’s where his party was going to be, I was totally tearing up. Now don’t get me wrong, I have happy that he is turning 6 years old tomorrow. I’m beyond excited that he is! He’s grown so much into a handsome little man. But I’m also pretty sad too about it. For the first year or so, I missed out on enjoying every moment with him due to my postpartum depression. I didn’t get to enjoy all those firsts and moments with him. I was physically there but not the way I should have been. He’s not my little baby anymore either. He has grown so much into his own person. Soon, he will be grown up into a man and not want to have anything to do with me.

I will be happy and enjoy this moment while remaining positive. I still have lots of time with him left and will enjoy every minute of it. Little #2 may be growing up but he will always be my baby boy. I’m so proud of who he is and everything about him. I love him to the moon and back!

image

Depression

Depression is such a life sucker out of anyone that suffers from it. I will admit, I’m one of them. After I had my son, Little #2, I had noticed I wasn’t myself at all. I was always sad, super emotional, never wanted to get out of bed, hated everyone and everything, and was extremely unhappy. Life was miserable. I tried to make it better by pushing myself to get up, stay active, and try to enjoy things but no matter what, it didn’t help. After my son became a little older, the postpartum depression got better and so did our relationship. I had started seeing how big he was getting and all the new things he was learning how to do. It showed me how much I missed because of the postpartum depression. I was physically there but not emotionally there or on a level I should have been on for my littles as a parent because of the postpartum depression and regular depression. Finally I went to the doctors one day and talked with my doctor. I explained something was wrong with me and I needed some help. We talked for a long time and she understood. She helped me with new techniques, suggested an amazing therapy place which I still go to, and put me on some medication that has greatly helped. I felt like I was getting better so I had stopped taking it as regularly recently and holy moly, it has been horrible for me. It’s like the depression took all over my whole life again and is holding me back with its big huge self. I hate it. I took my medications today and I can already tell the difference. I feel like the better self of myself all over again!

Little #2’s January Birthday

Pretty soon it is my littles Little #2’s birthday in January. He will be 6 years old. I can’t believe it!

It’s kind of hard for me in a way during this time. Mainly because of my pregnancy with Little #2, almost giving him up for adoption, and the postpartum depression that I had that was beyond horrible with him. Just hurts about it everything in the past and I still feel horrible about everything.

My relationship with Little #2 has greatly changed and improved in a lot of ways. It still needs improvement but we’ve came a lot way. I just hope and pray that he will not be mad at me any longer and that we can fix this.

I’m so proud of my little #2. He is so smart, always making people laugh, offers to help others, is sensitive, thoughtful, inspiring, funny, loving, generous, and amazing. He has grown so much into a handsome young man. He means the whole world to me. Love my Little #2!

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

Four Years Ago

As I lay here listening to my littles sleep while I look on my Timehop app for the day, I can’t help but think about everything we have went through, where we have been, where we are now, and everything we have accomplished.

image

Little #2 almost 2

image

Little #1 around 3

image

image

image

image

These are the pictures I see on my Timehop app today from four years ago. Such adorable pictures of my littles. Brings back so much.

Little #1 was around 3 and Little #2 was almost 2.

At the time, we were living at one of my older sister’s homes with her and her family as they let us live with them for a while out of the goodness of their heart. We were and still are very thankful for that and everything they did, as long with everything everyone has done for us.

We were living there staying in my niece’s room and mostly staying in there. Most of our things were in there on a couch packed away in tubs and boxes. My littles and I slept on two thick blankets for padding. That was our home at the time. We did most things in the room and stayed in there most of the time. We didn’t have a Christmas tree or a Christmas really that year or the year before. I was in between jobs and couldn’t keep a job if my life depended on it. Where we lived it was kind of crowded in a way but we loved it because we were with our loved ones that we were starting to get to know. I was just getting out of the postpartum depression funk I was in which was major. My little’s father and I were in a very bad place as parents and couldn’t go without arguing and fighting no matter what. My older sisters, one of their fiancé’s, and my niece helped us out a lot about parenting, disciplining, transportation, babysitting, daycare, job hunting, encouraging, motivating, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. They did so much. I’m so thankful for all that they have done.

Now, four years from then, a lot has changed.

My littles and I live in a three bedroom townhome. It’s beautiful. We have our own rooms, have a main floor with a upstairs and a basement, have two bathrooms, and can afford it no matter what. We have our dog Molly who is a big part of our lives and family. We have more love than before. We have a lot on track and going for us. All of us are getting the help we need with counseling which has greatly helped. We have good friends. My littles go to an amazing school that has helped so much. We live in an amazing community that really helps others. We live within walking distance from a grocery store and the public bus stops. I’m going to college and am doing so good. We actually have a direction in which our lives are going. We are learning more about appreciation, respect, giving, and helping others.

Not everything is perfect right now and nothing will be. That’s just fine with us. We have accepted that. We are making due with how our lives are and going to always continue to push forward.

So thankful for everyone and everything that has helped us in the past, present, and future.

A lot has changed over the years. Can’t wait to see how else things change years from now!

I Couldn’t Do it

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just lay here and listen to my little cry and scream his eyes out.

I tried to calm him down in every possible way before I gave up and laid down myself. Felt like such a failure. I used to be able to do the cry it out thing when I was younger because I was told it was okay.

But now I see how much sadness, helplessness, and bad things are connected with it. When my little’s cry, I know realize that there’s so much behind it. Littles are people too. Littles have feelings, sometimes big feelings that they don’t know how to express themselves or understand those big feelings. They have every right to get mad, sad, frustrated, stressed, happy, excited, etc. They have every right to have any feeling that they have and have every right to express those feelings. Our job is to help them learn healthy ways to express those feelings, along with our other jobs as parents.

I went into his room, scooped him up, laid him on his bed, laid down with him, cuddled, rubbed his hair, and rubbed his back. He actually calmed down!!!! He did cry for a few minutes but did calm down as well. I was amazed and happy. It meant the world to me that finally I was able to calm him down for the first time in a long time, which really has been a struggle since the postpartum depression.

Both of my littles are in my bed now. Needless to say, I’m kind of a pushover with my littles at night times.

What can I say? They are my life. Love my littles 💞

image

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression is a serious issue. People commit suicide because of this, harm themselves or their babies, and have serious issues because of this.

I was one of the women that suffered from postpartum depression. It was the worst feeling it in the world. I got it after I had my son, Little #2. I felt like the worst mom ever but couldn’t help it. I didn’t like taking care of him, I didn’t feel like I was his mom, I didn’t want anything to do with him. I did take care of him but not as much as I should have. I didn’t cuddle with him or hold him as much which was really weird for me because with my daughter, Little #1, I held her all the time. So much that others were saying I was spoiling her way overboard. I honestly though there was something wrong with me and I didn’t deserve to be my sons mom or anything.

Truthfully, there wasn’t something wrong with me. I was just suffering from postpartum depression. Now, I was 19 and knew nothing about what it was. I had never heard of it nor had I ever experienced anything like it before. I thought I was going crazy and was the worst mom ever.

My postpartum depression lasted until my son was a year old. For a year, I took care of him and made sure all his needs were met, but I didn’t do all the extras like holding him, cuddling, playing, etc. He also turned very colicky. That was my first experience with that as well. He would cry constantly, didn’t matter if he was already fed, already changed, already slept, was being held, etc. He would just cry constantly. The only time he wasn’t crying, was when he was eating (which he loved to be doing!!) or sleeping. He used to get swaddled until he was a year old and maybe just over a year, because that’s the only way he could sleep. I had some help from my sister, my friend, my other sister, her boyfriend, my sisters friend, etc. Most of them could calm him down but I couldn’t. It was like there was something wrong with me. I also majorly felt like my son could feel all that negativity and depression and that he was mad at me because I didn’t do the extras with him like I should for every child. We had been through a lot of moving, leaving things behind, and leaving people behind. It was a very difficult time.

Eventually, my little’s dad started seeing them and helping out with them. I was very nervous about it but was so thankful for a break once in while like every other weekend. It was very much needed. They needed to see their dad and I needed a break to try and get our lives back on track. After their dad started helping and after we moved into a stable place with my sister, her boyfriend, and her kids, everything with my son started to fall into place. I felt more bonded with him, wanted to spend time with him, tried to make up everything to help, and be the best mom I could be to him and to my daughter again.

I really wish I could have gotten help sooner so our relationship would have been better right away, instead of a year down the road. I’m very thankful that now it is better with my son for the both of us. Now, we cuddle a lot, talk all the time about everything and anything, spend lots of time together, do fun activities together, and are still working on bonding to fix our relationship more.

You may have postpartum depression if you have had a baby within the last 12 months and are experiencing some of these symptoms:

  • You feel overwhelmed.  Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.”  More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.”  You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother.  In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
  • You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this.  You feel like your baby deserves better.  You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would.  You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
  • You don’t feel bonded to your baby.  You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with PPD feels this way, but many do.
  • You can’t understand why this is happening.  You are very confused and scared.
  • You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you.  You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control
  • You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
  • You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.
  • You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.
  • You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
  • You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are.  Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done.  Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up and it’s not just because you have a newborn.
  • You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.
  • You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
  • Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality.  You do yoga. You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?”  You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.
  • You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.
  • You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
  • You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
  • You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

Now that you’ve gone through this list are you thinking “How the heck does this lady know me? Is there a hidden camera in here?”  Nope.  What this should tell you is that you are not alone and you are not a freak and you are not highly unusual.  If you are having these feelings and symptoms then it is possible you are experiencing common illnesses that 15 to 20% of new mothers have, and they are completely treatable.

You are not alone. Stay strong and talk with your doctor. They can really help you.

Bottle with help message