From a Mother Whose Littles Have Been Bullied

I look at my Littles and I can’t help but think of how they might have been now if they had never been bullied. I love my Littles through thick and thin, always and forever. There’s nothing that can ever change that. But there’s a small part of me that wonders what they would have been like if they had not been bullied in the previous years.

Before my daughter had been bullied, she used to talk to anyone and everyone with a second thought. While that scared me a little bit since there are so many strangers and others that could cause harm to her, she would make talk to others without really a second thought. It was very easy for her to make friends, in fact she thought everyone was her friend and played with everyone that she could. She would tell me about everyone she talked to and played with, about their lives, and what she learned from them. She was always so proud to have made a new friend. My daughter used to not care what anyone else thought of what she looked like, what she did, or what she said. She used to be her and there wasn’t anyone that could change her opinion about herself or “rain on her parade.” She knew what she liked and what she didn’t like, who she was, and what she was. Every single day, she would pick out a perfect outfit for herself that completely reflected her personality. It may not have matched to everyone else but it was her style and every clothing she picked out was a reflection of her. She would wear striped pants with a polka dot shirt, glitter jeans with a bright colored shirt, or a cute animal shirt with a skirt. It was her. Her style, her personality, her fashion. She loved it and so did her brother and I. I wished I could pull off the outfits she put together and rock it like she did.

Now, she’s changed. She’s not the same little free style, relaxed, fun loving big girl anymore.

She’s very cautious about what she wears, what she says, and what she does. Those outfits she used to wear are mostly long gone. Don’t get me wrong, she still wears cute outfits but she always stresses she has to make sure they match, are in style, and if anyone else likes them. With other littles, it’s a struggle for her majority of the time. It’s hard for her to make friends, speak to other littles, and play with them. She’s always worried about if they will like her or not like her and bully her, if she will get picked on, and what if she isn’t good enough to them. Anything she does, makes, or says now, is second guessed by herself on whether it’s good enough or not. She’s not confident in herself any more to say what’s on her mind, to do what she wants to do, or wear what she wants to wear. If there’s an idea or a problem she has, she doesn’t voice it until later when she’s alone with me.

She’s not the same little girl she was.

My son didn’t get bullied as much but it still has affected him in some ways. He used to have no problem making friends. Everyone and anyone was his friend, even the crossing guard and cashier at the store. He loved talking to everyone and making people laugh. He was always so excited about daycare, school, and even going to the store, simply because he could make friends and play with them.

Now, he’s different. He’s a different little boy.

He has a hard time making friends. He doesn’t just go up to other littles and adults and talk to them. He watches from a distance for a while and doesn’t really approach them. He’s not the same little friendly spunky big boy he used to be.

Both of my Littles have changed. Because of bullies. There’s no bringing back my spunky, free willed, fun loving, relaxed, outgoing Littles. They are forever changed.

I will always love them, always and forever. No matter how much they change or grow up, they will always be my Littles and in my heart. They will always be my life. It may take some time, like now, to get used to the new them and be able to help them with what they have gone through but I will always be there for them to help support, encourage, and love them.

At times I wish what they would have been like if they weren’t bullied. Would they still have no problem making friends? Would they be fun loving without a care in the world about what others thought of them? Would my daughter still be wearing the awesome outfits she used to pick out that fit her personality so well? Would they have confidence in themselves?

But then I remember that everything happens for a reason and no matter what, they are still my little babies and will always be my world. No matter what they go through or how much they grow up or change, I will always be there treasuring the moments. Every once in a while, like tonight at Girl Scouts for my daughter, I see little glimpses of her being her true self again and it almost makes me cry.

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If you know your littles are getting bullied, please take it seriously and push to put a stop to it before it causes damage. If you know your littles are bullying others, please help them. It can cause damage to others that isn’t repairable completely.

Catching Up

It feels like forever since I’ve wrote a post on here, even though its only been a little over a month. So much has happened over that time, so much to the point that it’s hard to go through everything that has happened.

One of my sister’s and I went to our first Badger Football Game ever! It was a blast. There was a lot of laughs, smiles, and fun that day.

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My sister and I at the Badger Game

My daughter started Girl Scouts for the first time! She is a Brownie Scout and is loving it. There are a lot of other girls in her troop that she is getting to know so it’s really helping boost her confidence. She’s learning a lot and so happy to be apart of something. I got to sew her patches on her sash (my first time sewing ever!) and I’m very happy that I can be with her in her Girl Scouts experience supporting her through the way.

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After a few trials and errors with sewing, her sash is ready!

My son started Boy Scouts for the first time! He is a Tiger Scout. He got to go to Boy Scouts camp with his troop and myself with his sister as well. It was definitely an experience that was very worth it. He learned so much and so did his sister and I. While he was one of the littles there without a father that attended, the other fathers there took him under their wing and showed him how to play football among other activities which meant so much to us. I’m so proud of him and being able to be there go him to help support him in his experience with Boy Scouts.

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Our first time camping for Boy Scouts!

My two older sister’s mother got very sick due to cancer and passed away. A lot had happened in between the moment she got sick and passed even though it happened so quickly. It was a very hard time for my sister’s and the whole family. It still very much is hard for everyone. My sister’s mother was a very important person in everyone’s lives. It’s still shocking to everyone that she is gone and very difficult to get through. She will be greatly missed and remembered greatly each and every single day.

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Greatly missed

My daughter went on her first field trip of the year at her new school. I was able to come with. We went to a survival house at a fire station and to a garden place. It was definitely an experience. We learned a lot and were able to experience a lot that really benefited us.

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We celebrated Halloween this year with my sister, two of my niece’s, and two of my nephew’s. It was a blast and was really nice to be able to spend some quality relaxing time with my family.

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Halloween 2015

My Father

No matter what I do, I can’t make my father be in my life or in my littles’ lives.

Even when I was younger when he got custody of my sister and I finally and we went to live with him, I could never get his attention unless it was the wrong kind of attention. After a while of trying to do the right thing but never seeming to do anything right in his eyes and after noticing his favoritism ways with my siblings but never me, I stopped caring as much. I would do whatever I could just to get some form of attention from him and him to actually finally pay attention to me. Even with all the punishments such as the beatings, yelling, getting all my hair shaved off, etc all I wanted was a father. A real father.

Some of my friends growing up would tell me about their fathers. Such as their father taking them out for ice cream or playing basketball with them or being at the school shows like the Christmas show cheering them on, being their protector, being their side kick, etc.  It would really hurt hearing that because that’s all I wanted from my father but I could never make him be a real father like that. I always wished I had a father like that.

I would pretend that it didn’t hurt and that I didn’t care. In reality, it hurt. Bad. It hurts to have a member of your family who is supposed to be your parent and supposed to love you, like you, do anything for you, and actually care about you that doesn’t want anything to do with you. My father doesn’t love me or like me or want to have anything to do with me. And seriously, that causes me so much pain.

I don’t understand how a parent can be like that with their little. I have two littles. I could never not love them, not like them, not care about them, and not do anything for them. They are my life. I live for them. They are my everything. Without them, I would be broken. I kind of understand in a way why my father is the way he is. But only a little bit in a way. His father beat him when he was growing up and so my father grew up thinking it is okay as a punishment for littles. My father lives maybe 4 blocks away from his father and step mom. They live down the street and around a corner down another street from him. To this day, they don’t speak or see each other. It’s crazy in my eyes because as a parent now, I couldn’t be like that with my littles even when they grow up. I’d think that after being raised with being beating, the pain that comes with punishments like that, and having a history with parents that you don’t see or talk to even though you both live so close to each other, you wouldn’t want that for your littles so you would do differently as a parent to your littles. I was beat as a child, have this history with my father, and have a lot of issues and pain even still now that he caused as well as others in my life. There is no way in hell that I will do any thing that was done to me as a little to my littles or let anything like that happen to them. I know the pain it caused and the damage it causes. I thought it was common sense not to do those things to any ones littles especially if it was done to you since you know the effects it can cause but I guess I was wrong about that.

Since I was little, I’ve always wanted a father. Even now I do and I imagine I always will want one. This affects me in all relationships with men, big time. I always want a father figure so I seek attention from men to get that fatherly figure, attention, and everything that comes with having a father. It totally ruins all my relationships with men because of that and because I end up getting scared that the man will leave just like my father and every other man in my life has done and I push him away completely because I don’t want to get hurt. Before I knew my self worth, I’d deal with men that were like my father with the abuse physically, verbally, and emotionally. They were like him in many ways with his temper, his violence, his words, his actions, and his attitude. I dealt with them and accepted the way they were because my father was like that and I so desperately wanted a fatherly figure. Father’s are supposed to set the standard for the men that their daughter’s let in the lives and supposed to set the standards for the way their sons will be as a man. I guess in a way my father did his job of setting the standard for me for men in my life for a while before I found my worth. Now I know a man is not supposed to be like my father. A man is supposed to be honest, caring, loving, responsible, respectful, and reliable towards his littles and spouse. A man is not supposed to abuse his littles or spouse or anyone physically, emotionally, sexually, or verbally. A man is not supposed to down grade his littles or spouse. A man is not supposed to lie to his littles or spouse. A man is not supposed to cheat on his spouse. A man is supposed to be there physically and emotionally for his littles and spouse. A man is supposed to set the standard for the man his son will be and the men that his daughter will let in her life. A man is supposed to help support his littles and spouse. My father did everything he wasn’t supposed to do and didn’t do everything he supposed to do. I will never let any man do anything that my father did to me or my littles.

A big part that pisses me off about my father as well is that he is not in his grandchildren’s lives. I understand if he has a problem with me or doesn’t want to be in my life but why not be in my littles lives? I don’t get it. We’ve tried to see him by us driving there before. We’ve tried to call him numerous times. We’ve tried to meet up with him on scheduled occasions. Every time, it’s an excuse. Mainly the excuse is that he’s sleeping or tired. How can you be so tired if you aren’t working? That doesn’t make sense.
My littles need a grandpa. A real grandpa that will love them, care for them, and be there for them. I have many fond memories of my grandpa’s.

My grandpa Larry was one of the most amazing grandpa’s ever. He actually cared for his littles and his grand – littles. He spent quality time with us in the yard, on the boat fishing, on his tractor Wagon, singing us songs, making root beer floats with us, and many more times. I have so many memories of him.

My grandpa Pedro is amazing. We don’t get to see him much anymore but he was always there for us both physically and emotionally. He actually cared about us. He would actually listen to us. He lived in the real life and would teach us real life things that we needed to know to survive.

My grandpa John was always so much fun. He would take us boating, have yummy food, and would have funny jokes, even though a lot were more adult humor for the adults. I don’t see him much anymore but I’m going to be trying to see him more. He still is a good grandpa to my younger siblings.

My grandpa Larry is very smart. He knows so much about cooking and cars. He taught my sister so much and always encouraged us to do good. I always thought he looked like Santa Clause with his beard.

My great grandpa Jo was very loving. I didn’t get to spend much time with him but I remember he was very nice. He always seemed to care about everyone.

I really wish my littles would have moments like those with their grandpa’s. I really do. They deserve to have a grandpa. I always thought my father would be a good grandpa and would kind of grow up like his father. It doesn’t seem like that will come true at all but it’s nice to wish.

The truth is that things happen in life and people do things in our lives that affect us greatly. We can’t change those things but can change how we react and how we let it affect us in our lives. We can decide who we will let have control over our emotions. My father most likely will never be in my life or my littles lives. Sure it hurts a lot but I can’t let it control my emotions forever and run my life. He wasn’t a very good father and honestly now that I think of it,  I don’t know if I’d like him around my littles at all or around myself. He caused a lot of pain, issues, and fear with me and a few siblings of mine. That’s not the type of person I want around my littles or myself.

I may not have a real father or fatherly figure in my life but I’m going to survive and succeed. I’m going to make it with or without him. I got this, I know I do.

Worth It

I’m the one that goes through everything with my littles and sees everything with my littles.

I go through the violent temper tantrums even if they are about someone else and I get the blunt force of them. I go through the moments when one or both of my littles are full of sadness because someone at school is picking on them, someone in their lives let them down, or anything that makes them sad. I go through the moments when one of the littles is so mad, sad, and upset so my little just has a major blow out that includes punching, screaming, crying, throwing things, and everything else in between. I go through those moments about to pull out my hair and not knowing what to do exactly but realizing that when my little is acting out the most like that, it’s when my little needs the most attention and love. I go through my little crying asking why someone in her life doesn’t love her or like her. I go through severe separation anxiety with one of my littles who never wants to leave my side. I see all the uniqueness in my littles that makes them special and amazing but that others in school pick on them for. I see when my littles are starting to get worked up with anger or anxiety and have to step in as quickly as possible. I know my littles’ triggers so I try to prevent them as much as possible. I let my littles sleep in my bed with me and I hold them when they have a scary nightmare. I fix their boo-boos. I try to give them the life they deserve. I get my hair braided in little knots by my little that has a hard time falling asleep. I try everything in my power to help my littles before I have to put them on medications. I encourage my littles to do their best in everything. I’m that mom in the store trying to compromise with my little for the millionth time before I freak out. I try to encourage my littles to go to school and to make friends even though I want to scare all the littles that make fun and pick on my littles. I get food and any thing and everything else thrown at me when my little is having a complete melt down. Instead of checking under beds for monsters, I have to check to make sure the doors are locked completely and the windows are locked and check out the windows for bad strangers for my little. I have to get my little a emergency cell phone to help with anxiety even as little as my little is. I always have to try to keep it all together for my littles. I always have to try to keep a smile on my face for my littles, be positive for them, and try to keep it together for them.

Next time you see me with circles under my eyes, my hair absolutely crazy, me running around after my littles, hear me talking about putting my littles in a bubble to protect them from everything, watch me being so overly protective you wonder what is wrong with me, question yourself why I do what I do with my littles, see me watching my littles like a hawk, hear me speaking slowly to my littles before I freak out, or see me with tears in my eyes that don’t dare come out in front of my littles, smile and don’t judge me or my littles. I’m overtired, overstressed, and about to lose it but it’s all worth it. My littles mean the world to me.

Day #3 Of Trying New Things To Help My Littles

2/8/15
Day #3 Of Trying New Things To Help My Littles:

Yesterday I stayed up a long time looking up different things on Pinterest (life saver!!!) thar could help my littles with what they are both going through. I found a lot but wasn’t sure if any of it would work. I decided to try some things out anyways. It never hurts to try.

One thing we did was make calm down jars. We were looking for plastic jars with big openings but couldn’t find any so we used small canning jars. We put about half a bottle of glitter glue in the jar, filled the jar mostly up to the top but still had room for them to shake it, for my daughter we put little barbie figurines in them, for my son we put three little cars in them, some regular glitter, and a few drops of color dye in them. I super glued them shut after that. Now they are able to shake their jars when they are feeling angry, sad, nervous, etc and watch the glitter and the items in their jars settle to help calm them down!

We also made another thing that has helped both of my littles. We got some play dough and some balloons. They got to pick out the colors. I held open the balloons with my fingers and they put a ball of play dough inside of it. Then I opened another balloon and they put the balloon with the play dough in it in that one. Then I tied it up. When my littles are feeling nervous, angry, sad, etc they can hold their squishy ball and squeeze it to help them calm down.

Another thing was we put together calm down packages for both of them. We used small cloth covered bins and filled them with things to help calm them down with any big feelings they have. We put their calm down jars and their squishy balls in there along with a small notebook with a pen, a small coloring book with mess free markers, some healthy snacks, and a few small toys fort them.

We used their calm down packages in the car tonight and they really helped when my littles were having some big feelings that they didn’t know how to express or release.

Full Day #1 Of Trying New Things To Help My Littles

2/6/15
Full Day #1 Of Trying New Things To Help My Littles:

This whole week my son has came home with reports of bad choices, fights, lots of anger, etc. Except today!!!! What we tried this morning helped a million.

Now here is what we tried:
We all had a shake with vanilla whey, banana, and milk in it to get enough protein and show my son he isn’t alone in this. Both littles loved it!

Both littles had their new daily vitamins. They love them since they are chewy and yummy.

My son had a new herbal supplement. It’s called Focus For Children. It’s grape and chewable. He took it no problem.

We used our essential oil calming mix diluted with water body spray on both littles. They like the smell.

I was super nervous picking my littles up from school but when I did, my son told me that he had a great day with no bad choices and no accidents. I double checked his behavior notebook and yup, sure enough, he had an amazing day!! He had no issues, no fights, no accident, or anything!! I’m so proud of him!! We got this!!

Evening #1 Of Trying New Things To Help My Littles

2/5/2015
Evening #1 Of Trying New Things To Help My Littles:

Tonight we tried a essential oils blend diluted and one of a massage before bed. He did not fight or have a major melt down like normal. It really helped even a small bit. I could see a small improvement in him.

I’ve heard from other parents and a doctor about giving a little with ADHD some caffeine such as coffee and that it will have a reverse effect that it has on someone without ADHD. If given to a little with ADHD it will help calm them and help them to focus. I was kind of skeptical at first but we tried a small glass of coffee with creamer in it with my son tonight. He only drank half of it which was completely fine with me since I don’t want him to have a lot since it can have side effects. I was observing him for a while after he had it and I could actually see him start to calm down. He wasn’t yelling or hitting or freaking out or anything even when something triggered him. I talked with him when we were laying down for bed. He told me that he liked the coffee because it helped his head not spin. I asked what he meant about his head spin. He said that his head spins sometimes and he gets crazy. He said that he liked the coffee because he wanted to relax and it helped him. So I think I will do some more research and talk with his doctor about the coffee and see how often he can have it etc because I don’t want him having any side effects.

I’m so glad that we are getting to the bottom of this for the better of my son. It can only go up from here.

A Major Improvement For My Family

So lately I’ve been trying to do a more positive gentle approach to my littles since nothing else has been working and a positive gentle approach is the parenting way I want to do. I’ve been making small steps and have seen some improvements. Especially last night.  

My son, Little #2, was having a good night since he just came back from visiting with their father for the day until around bed time. He started having the biggest meltdown. It included him screaming, yelling, crying, getting into my face, climbing all over me, hitting me, punching me, pinching me, slamming his door, etc. I normally would have yelled completely at him and made him go to his room until he could be nice and apologize to me.

Instead I took a different approach. I talked calmly, let him know his actions were hurting me physically, told him how I was feeling, asked how he was feeling, talked about our feelings, talked with him about finding a safe spot for him to calm down and rethink his actions, helped him find one without making him be excluded from us, let him feel his big feelings, let him think, let him make choices himself, made sure I let him know I am here for him, and let him calm down his way.

At first, I was in doubt about it working. I really was. I thought I was being too soft and not a good parent and was letting him get away with his behavior. He went to his safe spot and was still yelling and screaming. I went in there a few times to remind him that I’m there for him and that if he wants to talk, I’m here. That went on for a bit.

Then, I started hearing it come to a slow stop. I peeked my head in for just a moment very quietly and seen him sitting down on his ground in his room reading a book. He calmed himself down! I was amazed! I went and laid down in my bed with my other little and waited for him. When he was ready, he knew that he could come talk to me when his heart was in a good place when he was calmer. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and heard someone coming close to my bed and myself. I opened my eyes and it was him. I didn’t have to say anything at first. He was looking at me, gave me the biggest hug ever, apologized for his behavior, told me how much he loved me, I told him I accepted his apology, that I was so proud of him, talked more about feelings, and ended the night with cuddling to go to sleep to our relaxation sounds together.

This was a huge step for us and I couldn’t be more proud! I know this is the right parenting approach that will work for my family and I can’t wait to see more improvements!

Parenting Suggestions

I came across this post today and absolutely loved it! It opened my eyes a bunch on how focused we are on correcting the bad behavior and focusing on that instead of praising them and recognizing the good behavior. I thought I’d share it with you all and encourage you all to check it out!

How To Discipline A Child

And don’t worry, it’s not anything bad on how to punish them or anything. Check it out!

Yell Free Challenge Day 1

I’m currently doing a Yell Free Challenge for the better of myself and my littles. I’ve tried doing this before and was able to not yell for a while, I think the longest was 3 weeks. Now I’m trying it again!

I first found out about this Yell Free Challenge on The Orange Rhino website and on their Facebook page. It started with a woman who had been busted by her handyman yelling at her kids. She felt the same way I do when I yell at my littles and also when I get caught yelling at them. Her experience with yelling is similar to mine with my littles. She decided to be yell free for 365 days which turned into the Yell Free Challenge. She actually lasted longer than that! On her website and Facebook page, she posts lots of tips, advice, and encouragement on how you can join her Yell Free Challenge. There are even groups on Facebook that are all about the Yell Free Challenge with people that are going through the same challenge that you are to better your life for yourself and your littles.

Today is day 1 for me since I just started again. And guess what?! I didn’t yell once today!! Whoop whoop!! I got this!!

Feel free to join me on the Yell Free Challenge or follow along with my Yell Free Challenge! I will be posting updates on my journey on my Yell Free Challenge!