Connection With Cruzier

My relationship and connection with my son Cruzier has been a rough one from the beginning. When I got pregnant with him, I was 18 and my daughter Ju-Ju Bean was almost one years old. I honestly had no clue that I was pregnant until I was three months along. Now, that may seem a little impossible to some but since I had had my daughter things had been a bit hard and I was very stressed out and I had just gotten on a new birth control shot that you get every three months. I wasn’t taking proper care of myself and was always focused on my daughter first and then my boyfriend, her father. I didn’t take the time to dress up, make makeup on, or relax. It was always about my daughter and how to fix things with my boyfriend so we could be a family. We were on and off again, with a lot of drama. As parents we should have had our lives more stable and figured out but we were young and in love with a lot of issues we both had with our own pasts. Part of the time since I had my daughter we were living with his mom, my mom, and then my daughter and I moved in with my birthmom and stepdad when we broke up. While my daughter and I were living with my birthmom, randomly I had started feeling like something was moving in my belly. I told my birthmom and we both thought it might be gas. Well it was about time for me to get my next birth control shot so I made an appointment to get it. And well, surprise surprise, I’m pregnant. Three months along to be exact. That thing I felt moving in my belly that I thought was gas? That was a baby. My baby. 

My boyfriend and I didn’t agree on what we were going to do. Both of us wanted the baby but we had to be real and face the facts a bit. We had already been struggling so much financially with our daughter since I had her. Both of us had a lot of issues we needed to work on by ourselves and overcome in order to be the parent and person we needed to be for our daughter and for ourselves. We both couldn’t completely see how we could bring another child into the mix of everything. I wanted to keep the baby though. I couldn’t possibly see myself aborting my baby and I couldn’t see someone else raising my child. The whole pregnancy, I was told we had to give the baby up for adoption. That put a huge emotional and mental block on me. I wanted to keep this baby. I know we had had a rough time with providing for my daughter but this baby was mine and brought to me for a reason. But I knew we probably couldn’t keep the baby. When the baby would kick, hiccup, or move I would try to focus on something else instead of getting attached and all excited. To be honest, I was already starting to get a little attached by then but still was trying to block it all out. 

Fast foward to when I was about 8 or a little more months along. It was obviously getting closer to when the baby was due. We were still arguing about giving the baby up for adoption and couldn’t agree. I didn’t want to give up my baby and I knew I couldn’t do it. I wanted whatever we do be both of our choices since it was our baby and I wanted us to be a family with our littles. I knew it would be hard but I also knew we would find a way to provide for our family and give our littles the best we could. Our families wanted us to give up the baby for adoption also. That was very hard to hear. But I kind of understood. They wanted the best for us and our littles and what was best in their eyes was not two young parents that kind of really rushed into things without really getting to know each other, couldn’t afford a child or even themselves, and weren’t stable yet. I totally get that. It was not the perfect situation and to be honest, I a little secretly agreed and thought we really should have waited. But things happen and they happen for a reason. I knew we should have waited and things should have been different. I should have been able to hold a steady job, waited to have sex and/or used protection, and focused more on my future with graduating and college. 

Deep down in my heart I knew I couldn’t give up my baby and live with myself for doing that. So I was secretly starting to get a little bit of stuff ready for the baby. But then things started kind of getting a little more real. I seen my mom struggle as a single mom growing up. Living paycheck to paycheck, being low on food, and struggling to pay bills. Not be around as often because of always having to work just to meet the bills. I thought it wasn’t going to last with my boyfriend. We were constantly on and off again and arguing. Both of us still needed to grow up ourselves. So my mom and I decided to meet with an adoption agency. We got the profiles of some of the potential families and I found one family I really liked. The wife was a teacher and the husband was a firefighter. They would be able to provide for my baby and give it everything it needed and wanted. So we needed to meet with the adoption agency again and also my boyfriend to get his concent to move forward with the adoption. But then he changed his mind. He didn’t want to give the baby up. He wanted to keep it. So for almost 9 months now, I’ve made sure I haven’t completely made a connection or attachment with my baby in my belly because I wasn’t sure if we could keep it or not and was told we couldn’t. And now all the sudden, about two weeks before my due date, when I am now in preterm labor, we are keeping the baby. 

Once I had my son, it was instantly hard for me. He didn’t feel like my baby. Yes, I know I just gave birth to him and pushed his tiny body out of my body but when I held him, it felt like he was someone else’s. When he cried after they gave him back to me when I was all stiched back up and in the recovery room, I looked around the room to try and find the parents. Of course, there wasn’t any parents there to take him because he was mine. But it didn’t feel like it. 

I tried to be a good mom to him, I really did. With my daughter, I used to laugh all the time with her, dance around with her, and read her books. We would giggle together, lay together watching tv, and play on the floor with all her toys. With my son, I didn’t do much of that with him. I would still make sure he was fed, changed, and he would get the sleep he needed. But I never held him just because. Or read him books. Or cuddled with him. He still didn’t feel like mine. I would play with Ju-Ju Bean when I wasn’t working and Cruzier would obviously be with us sitting in my lap or laying on his play mat or in his bouncer so he would be there when I was playing with her and he would smile and laugh at us. But my attention wasn’t really on him. It was on my daughter. I had a connection with her since she had been in my belly and had a very strong attachment to her. It just wasn’t the same. 

When my son was 9 months old we moved again but this time it was just us three. Their father and I had had stuff happen between us and I decided to move away with my littles to the town my three older sisters were living. My son all the sudden got very colicky. I would always make sure he was fed, changed, and got the sleep he needed. I would try to hold him, cuddle him, and play with him. I actually really tried. It didn’t help. He would still cry and cry and cry. The only time he wouldn’t cry was when he was eating or sleeping. We’d go to the doctors all the time because I thought there was something wrong. He wouldn’t stop crying. That’s when they told me that he was colicky and some things to try and help which some of them did start to. I was getting better with him but still felt like he wasn’t my son. I started to feel like something was wrong with me. After going to the doctor’s for a regular appointment for myself with my littles, my doctor noticed the way I was with my son and started talking to me about postpartum depression. She believed I had it and after her explaining it to me, I knew I did. She got me some help which I am very grateful for. I started getting more of a bond with my son and doing way better with him. 

Fast foward to now: my son Cruzier is now almost 8 years old and I am 27 years young. Now for the past about 4-5 years, most things have been stable. We are in a stable home, I have gotten a lot of help for myself and littles, and we are in a good place in life. I am holding down a steady job that I love. Their father and I have worked things out and are dating. He is living with us again permanently. Both of our littles are in therapy still to help them through anything and everything. I am still in therapy. We are going to church every Sunday, youth group on Thursdays, and a Bible Life Group for me on Wednesdays. Things are going very good. Cruzier and I have really gotten our bond back and a connection. We have an attachment and he is always my son. He’s my main little man in my life. Although he’s always going to be my little baby in my eyes, he has grown so much into such a amazing intelligent strong young man. I love him with all my heart. I may have not been the best mom that I needed to be for him until I got some help from my doctor, but I always wanted him and loved hin very much. Love you Cruzier. 

Cruzier a few weeks old

Look at that cute face!

Cutie Putie

Super hero to the rescue!

Best picture ever

Love

Treasure Hunts

Both of my Littles were both very anxious to get to their cousin’s first birthday party yesterday and kept asking non-stop when we would be going. I’m sure you all know how that goes. I knew it was my fault since I made the mistake of telling them that we would be going as long as they were behaving and listening, thinking that would help motivate them. Of course, it just made them very impatient as it would for me as well.

So I decided to have some fun with them before I completely lost my patience.

I came up with doing some treasure hunts!

I wrote down a list of four items that they had to find around the whole house on all three floors. Most items were easy-ish but a lot of them, they had to actually think about and look for.

With Ju-Ju Bean, since she is kind of struggling with math lately and reading a little bit, I made up some math problems, had her solve the problem, and had her go find the answer to the problem somewhere throughout the house. It worked greatly! She learned how to solve the problems and she helped her brother as well with it.

With Cruzier, he is learning how to read more now so I wrote down words, had him sound them out to figure out the word, and find the word throughout the house. He learned a lot!

I also came up with a few together treasure hunts where they had to work together as a team to find the treaures. With that one, when they were done, they were able to get a surprise which was a gift certificate to a store that I had. They were able to share the certificate and split it. We went to the store and they were able to pick something out they wanted to buy that was within their amount that they had with the certificate. They were so excited that they could buy something they wanted with a gift certificate they earned. I’m so proud of them!

This whole game was a way better way to relax and have some fun while learning, instead of trying to make them calm down and be quiet without asking a million times when we would be going to the party. It was well worth it!

 

Hello Again

Hello all of you wonderful people that are reading this! I’ve missed you all so greatly and my fingers have literally been itching to write again since I haven’t been on here in about two months now, so here I am! I hope everyone has been well and I can’t wait to catch up with all of you.

Things have been changing, busy, and crazy, to say the least. But, I really am enjoying the ride. Let’s catch you all up on what’s been going on since I’ve been gone:

  1. Thanksgiving was amazing. I spent it with both of my Littles, like usual. We made a turkey and actually stuffed it! Ju-Ju Bean was very nervous and wouldn’t touch the turkey or stuffing for the life of her but Cruzier was extremely eager to help, in fact, he did most of the work for stuffing the turkey! It was a good Thanksgiving and good experience with lots of memories with my Littles.
  2. Christmas came and went. I tried my hardest to stay in the Christmas spirit and did for the most part. Towards the end, I was just ready for it to be done already. But both of my Littles had an amazing Christmas. In the Christmas spirit, we adopted one of our close family friends and her family. Ju-Ju Bean got everything ready for the girls in the family that we were adopting and Cruzier got everything ready for the boys in the family. They both had 2 people each they had to get everything for and pick out. It was such a great experience! The best part was seeing the family’s faces when they opened the gifts. We may have not been able to get tons of stuff for their family but we got some and the smile on their faces was the most rewarding part of it all.
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    Merry Christmas Everyone!

  3. Cruzier turned 7!! I still can’t believe it. I remember still being pregnant with him and giving birth to him like it was just yesterday. It’s hard to believe that he is 7 years old now but I am so proud of the little man that he is becoming.
  4.  We are getting help for Ju-Ju Bean that is actually helping which has been a long time coming. Things are working out so well now, I honestly can’t believe it. Let’s hope it continues to help! *fingers crossed*
  5. Ju-Ju Bean started gymnastics for the first time! She absolutely loves it. Thankfully, she is doing it with her cousin who is in the same class with her so it will help her. She really is doing such a good job in it, I’m so proud of her. 12321236_1198054650223211_288135607670585486_n.jpg
  6. I just got a new job today! I have been filling out applications left and right, going to interviews constantly this week, and finally got the call back from the one I really wanted for a job offer. It’s amazing! I will be working at a nursing home as a Certified Nursing Assistant taking care of residents there. I can’t wait to start!
  7. I am actually happy and so are my Littles. I love it! Everything is working out so much right now, it’s kind of scary to feel this way without worrying that things won’t go to pieces soon. But I know that if you think negative, negative will happen. So I am trying to think positive and stay in the present which is totally new to me. But here’s to new thinking, new things, and a new life.
  8. As of this month, I have really been trying to get in shape finally. I have an amazing fitness partner along with a few other amazing people that are helping encourage and support me. I feel so much better now that I am starting to pick up healthy habits and change it into lifestyle changes. I hope I can continue this, as all of you know that it is hard for me to stick with something for a long time.

Catching Up

It feels like forever since I’ve wrote a post on here, even though its only been a little over a month. So much has happened over that time, so much to the point that it’s hard to go through everything that has happened.

One of my sister’s and I went to our first Badger Football Game ever! It was a blast. There was a lot of laughs, smiles, and fun that day.

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My sister and I at the Badger Game

My daughter started Girl Scouts for the first time! She is a Brownie Scout and is loving it. There are a lot of other girls in her troop that she is getting to know so it’s really helping boost her confidence. She’s learning a lot and so happy to be apart of something. I got to sew her patches on her sash (my first time sewing ever!) and I’m very happy that I can be with her in her Girl Scouts experience supporting her through the way.

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After a few trials and errors with sewing, her sash is ready!

My son started Boy Scouts for the first time! He is a Tiger Scout. He got to go to Boy Scouts camp with his troop and myself with his sister as well. It was definitely an experience that was very worth it. He learned so much and so did his sister and I. While he was one of the littles there without a father that attended, the other fathers there took him under their wing and showed him how to play football among other activities which meant so much to us. I’m so proud of him and being able to be there go him to help support him in his experience with Boy Scouts.

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Our first time camping for Boy Scouts!

My two older sister’s mother got very sick due to cancer and passed away. A lot had happened in between the moment she got sick and passed even though it happened so quickly. It was a very hard time for my sister’s and the whole family. It still very much is hard for everyone. My sister’s mother was a very important person in everyone’s lives. It’s still shocking to everyone that she is gone and very difficult to get through. She will be greatly missed and remembered greatly each and every single day.

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Greatly missed

My daughter went on her first field trip of the year at her new school. I was able to come with. We went to a survival house at a fire station and to a garden place. It was definitely an experience. We learned a lot and were able to experience a lot that really benefited us.

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We celebrated Halloween this year with my sister, two of my niece’s, and two of my nephew’s. It was a blast and was really nice to be able to spend some quality relaxing time with my family.

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Halloween 2015

It’s Time to Face the Facts

This morning I’ve came to the realization my daughter is getting older. I have noticed it obviously before many times but now it’s staring me right in the eye even though I don’t want it to be true.

As usual now, I took my Littles to school and went to Breakfast Club with them and my nephew. When they were finished eating, I was taking them outside to their playgrounds. My daughter was holding my hand and walking close to me. My son was walking with my nephew laughing about a joke they were telling each other. One of my daughters new friends came next to us and my daughter quickly dropped her hand from mine and started going to the playground with her new friend. Normally, she holds my hand, walks with me, and gives me a hug with a big loving goodbye and then I bring my son  to his playground. Today was different. She went off with her friend and when I tried to say goodbye and remind her where to go after school to meet me, she quickly said she knows. There was no goodbye, no hug, no kiss. Nothing. Just a “I know.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that she made friends and was playing with them. That makes me so unbelievably happy because she’s had a hard time making friends for a long time. It just makes me sad and realize that she really is growing up. She’s not my baby girl any more. When I got home, I went upstairs to turn off the lights my Littles left on. In my daughter’s room, I found all her shorts, skirts, and pants thrown all over her room since of course, she had to find the perfect outfit to wear to school like she always does. She’s always been kind of picky on what she will wear and picks what she thinks is the best outfit herself every day. Sometimes she has changed her clothes 3 times during the whole day because she can’t decide on which one is the best. But this, this was over the top for her. She’s never thrown all her clothes all over and tried on every pants, shorts, and skirts just to find the perfect one. If this isn’t a sign that she is growing up, I must be crazy. I remember taking out every piece of clothing in my closet almost every day trying to find the perfect one I wanted to wear but that was in middle school and high school. She’s only in 3rd grade! I thought this would came later, like way later.

It’s time to face the facts. My daughter is growing up. Both of my Littles are growing up. There’s no stopping it now. I’m beyond scared of what the future holds as my Littles keep getting older but I also have a lot of faith that everything will be okay and work out the way it’s supposed to. I just wish it would slow down. Even just a little bit. I want to snuggle, hold hands, and have fun together with my Littles a little more before they get even older and want nothing to do with me. Slow down Littles.

First Day of Third & First Grade

Today is my Littles’ first day of school. They were so excited! My daughter is in third grade and my son is in first grade. They are getting way too much older on me too fast. Both were nervous and excited at the same time. They picked out their outfits that had to be just perfect for their first day. It was so cute. They are going to a new school this year but two of their cousins are going to the same school as well so it should go well. They are in grades back to back from each other: kindergarten, first, second, and third. I was able to come to breakfast club, outside to the playgrounds, and walk them to their class rooms to help them feel comfortable. It’s almost the end of their first school day and I can’t wait to hear about how it went!

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Stitches

Yesterday my son, Cruzier, decided to jump on one of our couches and ended up cutting his leg open on a piece of wood that was sticking out on the couch. When his sister came upstairs to tell me he had blood on his leg, I went down in the living room thinking my son just scraped his leg. Nope, I was wrong, completely wrong. Not just a little scrape, it was a full blown cut on my Little’s leg. Freaking out by seeing all the blood and my baby boys face filled with pain, I quickly picked him up and ran to the car with his sister. I raced to the emergency room while freaking out in the inside and trying to calm my Littles on the outside. After two hours, many tears, and a round of kicks given to the doctor and nurses, my son was given about 15 stitches for the first time ever. He is the strongest courageous boy I know and one of my little heros. Thank goodness he is doing a lot better now and it’s looking like his stitches are healing nicely. I would do anything for my Littles and I’m so thankful for them both.

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Questionnaire with Cruzier

Cruzier age 6 1/2

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your Child’s age.
P.S. Theres a blank copy in the comment section!

1. What is something mom always says to you?
-Don’t play outside
2. What makes mom happy?
-When I listen
3. What makes mom sad?
-When someone dies
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
-Tickle me
5. What was your mom like as a child?
-Us
6. How old is your mom?
-23
7. How tall is your mom?
-10 pounds
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
-Go to Auntie Christinas
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
-Play with Molly and go to sleep
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
-Singing
11. What is your mom really good at?
-Cooking
12. What is your mom not very good at?
-I don’t know
13. What does your mom do for a job?
-Go to school
14.What is your mom’s favorite food?
-Chicken
15.What makes you proud of your mom?
-When you help me
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?
-Monster High Doll
17. What do you and your mom do together? -Watch movie
18. How are you and your mom the same?
-Both have glasses
19. How are you and your mom different?
-I have no hair and Mom has long hair
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
-She kisses me a lot
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
-You play with him
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?
-Auntie Christinas
23. How old was your Mom when you were born?
-14 lol

These Three

My Littles and our dog are seriously the best. They really are. Everything about them, is pure awesomeness. They light up my world and make everything worth it, even the days filled with stomping screaming crying meltdowns and the mornings where I wake up drenched in pee soaked bedding from them. I wouldn’t change being their mommy for the world. Even on the days that I just want to pull put all my hair and give up, they give me the motivation to keep going because of them.

So when I wake up to this this morning:

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My life is magically complete just with these three beautiful faces staring up at me counting on me. They are my world. They truly are.

Growing Up

Every single day, my Littles are growing up more and more. They are growing so fast I just can’t believe it. It seems like just yesterday, they were in my arms coming home from the hospital. Now, they do things for themselves, are their own person, and aren’t so dependent all the time. It kind of breaks my heart but then it makes me happy. I’ve so proud of who they have become and that I have taught them more about life where they feel comfortable to be themselves, do things on their own, and trust themselves. I just wish they would slow down a bit on growing up. They are supposed to be my little babies. Soon they will be hitting double digits, going through puberty, and being an adult with their own lives. I’ve been doing better at putting my phone down, leaving things alone, and just focusing my whole attention on them. Since I’ve been doing that, I have been noticing more about them and being able to cherish more moments with them while creating memories with them. I’m so proud of both of my Littles. They will always be my babies, no matter what age they are.

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My Beautiful Littles