Forever In Our Hearts

A few months ago, a guy came closer to me in my life. He did everything I wanted from a man, said all the right things, and did all the right things. Feelings were felt from both of us. All of the sudden, things got completely flipped all the way upside down more than I could ever have believed that could happen and he was out of the picture for good. Bad things were happening back to back, I thought it would never end and was struggling to pull through it all.

One big thing that happened is I became pregnant. I was due in February. I was nervous, scared, and depressed. It was a very hard time in my life at that moment because of everything that was going on in all aspects. Finally after a while things had started settling down. I was beginning to be happy and excited about the pregnancy. Not with who it happened with or how it happened, but because the baby was a blessing. I started having a lot of family support and thinking things were getting better. My sisters helped me so much with picking out the names and helping me get ready for the baby. I had the perfect names picked out that fit the baby so perfectly. My Littles and I were so excited. Things were better and I wasn’t as stressed out as before but was still just a little bit.

I was excited to be able to have a baby again. I was going to babywear, breastfeed, and do everything else I had never knew about really when my Littles were babies. I was happy to be able to have that bond again since I had never really gotten it with my son when he was a baby due to post partum depression. My Littles were so excited about having a baby brother or sister. They were going to help me out and be such good older siblings. I had the cutest boys and girls clothes that I had bought for the baby. I had bought my first pack of diapers too. I was trying to get a head start on getting everything ready for the baby so I wouldn’t have to struggle like I did with my Littles when they were younger. I was happy, excited, and blessed.

One day I started having bad back and stomach pains. For a while, I could handle them. I thought it was just because I was doing too much or was stressed out still a bit so I tried to relax. I ended up having a miscarriage. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve been through. I fell back into my depression, didn’t want to do anything, and cried most of the time. I tried to put up a big tough front but really I was dying on the inside and mourning my baby that I lost. Every time I seen or heard or touched a baby, I died a little more on the inside and grieved even more for my baby that I lost.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve had the miscarriage. Some things have gotten a little easier, some things haven’t. My heart still breaks when I see or hear or touch a baby because I can’t do that with my baby that I lost. I had gotten clothes, blankets, and other items already for the baby that are just sitting there in my room that I have to pass every single day. It’s heartbreaking. My baby won’t be here in February. My baby won’t be wearing any of the adorable outfits I got it. My baby won’t be in my arms or laying against my chest. My baby won’t be here.

My baby will be in my heart always and forever. 

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A Huge Difference

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I have anxiety, depression, and ADD. I absolutely suck at taking my medications for them. I kept being on them and then forgetting so I’d end up not taking them for a while like a few days or weeks. When I’d do that, I’d feel like complete shit. I wouldn’t want to do anything. I would stay in my room and cry constantly and also go about doing what I had to do like going to school and taking care of my littles. I was very unhappy and depressed.

I had forgotten to take my medications for a few days recently and just started taking them again Tuesday. It was really crappy when I wasn’t taking them. Tuesday when I took them, they weren’t completely in my system yet so I was still feeling crappy. I’ve been taking them every day since, which may seem small to you since it’s only been two days but it’s a big accomplishment to me. I feel amazing now that my medications are in my system! They really do make a HUGE difference! Today is proof of that. This morning, my littles and I had a kind of easy morning. At school for all of us, it went well. Since we’ve been home after school, it’s been good. I’m calmer and more focused so that makes my littles way more calmer and focused. I’m happy and so are they. I even made breakfast for dinner, our favorite. Both littles and I had such a good day so far.

Depression

Depression is such a life sucker out of anyone that suffers from it. I will admit, I’m one of them. After I had my son, Little #2, I had noticed I wasn’t myself at all. I was always sad, super emotional, never wanted to get out of bed, hated everyone and everything, and was extremely unhappy. Life was miserable. I tried to make it better by pushing myself to get up, stay active, and try to enjoy things but no matter what, it didn’t help. After my son became a little older, the postpartum depression got better and so did our relationship. I had started seeing how big he was getting and all the new things he was learning how to do. It showed me how much I missed because of the postpartum depression. I was physically there but not emotionally there or on a level I should have been on for my littles as a parent because of the postpartum depression and regular depression. Finally I went to the doctors one day and talked with my doctor. I explained something was wrong with me and I needed some help. We talked for a long time and she understood. She helped me with new techniques, suggested an amazing therapy place which I still go to, and put me on some medication that has greatly helped. I felt like I was getting better so I had stopped taking it as regularly recently and holy moly, it has been horrible for me. It’s like the depression took all over my whole life again and is holding me back with its big huge self. I hate it. I took my medications today and I can already tell the difference. I feel like the better self of myself all over again!