Let The Past Be The Past

For some strange hurtful reason, the past just keeps popping up in my life constantly right now. It’s not the good times that are popping up which makes it way worse, it’s all the wrong things that happened at the wrong times. 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even if you don’t know the reason at the time. That makes sense to me. But right now, hearing that from my loved ones drives me insane. Like yelling, crying, and angry insane. I know that they are just trying to help though. 

There’s been ups and downs in my past just like I’m sure everyone else has had in their past. I feel like my ‘downs’ are haunting me right now. I have gotten to the point in my life where things are good and smooth. Things are like everything I have ever wanted them to be and some things are working on up to that point. It’s been good, smooth sailing, and incredible. I still have been having doubt’s a bit in the back of my head on how long these good things will last and I guess maybe I might be jinxing it now. But seriously though, things have been good. I am the happiest I have been in about 9-10 years. 

But then my boyfriend and I may get in a little argument or have a disagreement about something or something else goes wrong and a small memory of the past comes in my head. And then more little things happen and guess what follows? Another small memory of the past. Until a ton of them are now in my head. Each one doesn’t feel like just a small something from the past that I remembering that I can just remember and then get rid of it. Each memory comes with each and every single feeling from every one. And I feel all the feelings one by one stronger and stronger than before like as if it was just happening at this very moment. I am reliving the memories from the past over and over in my head when these small little triggers come and it won’t stop until I explode. All the anger, loneliness, and fear come from these memories. All the jealously, abandonment feelings, and sadness come along with it. And then all of it comes rushing out of me and I explode.

When we get into a argument about something small like for example, the routine he has for our kids getting changed because of me apparently doing or not doing something, old memories come. They come from when I was doing everything by myself for years for our kids and I and he wasn’t around. I was doing everything for our kids: bringing them back and forth where they needed to go, homework, cleaning up after them, making the meals, doing all the shopping, and all the other things that are needed to be done when you have kids. I had them on a routine that worked perfectly for us. I was also struggling between trying to find a stable job and actually keeping one while going to school as well. I was trying to pay all the bills that our kids and I had, keep food in their bellies, a roof over our heads, and stay afloat. Mainly all by myself. For years. About 7 years to be exact.  (I give tons of credit though to my loved ones that helped, supported, and encouraged us.) I was barely pushing forward and surviving myself. I didn’t take a lot of time, if any, to really take care of myself during those years.  My focus and main goal was for my kids to be happy, be taken care of, and have a family. I wanted them to have a better life than me. Their dad wasn’t around besides every other weekend mostly and holidays because of certain reasons which were both of our faults. I will take ownership of my mistakes and I will admit that I made a lot of mistakes when it comes to him and I in our relationship and our life. I’ve always loved him though through everything, even still now I do. I’ve always wanted to spend the rest of my life with that man and marry him one day and live happier ever after with him and our kids. Even now. He’s the love of my life and always will. But man, let me tell you. it was hard during the years without him. Really hard. Our kids and I were barely surviving for a long time without him. I was trying my hardest. We needed him but he wouldn’t come back with us or participate more in our kids lives. 

The routine I had for us worked perfectly. But not for him. He didn’t get two shits about it. He would have them out later than they should’ve been or bring them back to me a day or two earlier than he was supposed to. I was the only one between him and I that cared about our routine and the importance of it. It was such a hassle and very hard to have to get our kids back on their schedule after he was done seeing them. So now the tables have switched a bit. He is the one with the routine for our kids and family because he is a stay at home dad now while I work. He takes care of our kids and our home while I go to work. We both agreed on it and it has been working for the most part. Right now, because of work, I don’t have a routine really at home. When I have the day off, after I get caught up on a little sleep, I like to spend time with our kids and do fun things with them. I like to go to new places, watch movies with them, and enjoy them. I don’t pay attention to the time. Honestly the reasons for that are because I don’t get to spend much time with them so when I do, I want to spend as much time with them as I can and also because I love my work but I absolutely miss my kids like crazy. I don’t want to focus on the time. Doing that makes the time go faster which makes me very sad. I don’t mean to mess up their routine and I know the importance of it. I just want to spend time with my kids. They are my life and my reasons for living. 

When he gets upset and angry with me because of messing up the routine, a huge part of me understands but then again, a big part of me goes crazy and remembers everything from when I had to do it all. Why is it okay to mess up my routine I had that I had to refix every single time by myself and him not give a shit about it but then I have to care and respect his? Why is that okay? Why did I have to handle everything on my own without any help from him but I have to help follow his rules and routine? Why the hell do I have no say so in anything anymore, including the routine, even though I ran this whole house and took care of everything? Where was he when we needed him? Why weren’t we important to him up until a little over a year ago? I remember breaking down just about every night when our kids laid in bed with me sleeping and crying. Crying about being all alone in this with our kids. About how can I keep it all together another day just for our kids to be able to give them a life. About all the mistakes I had made and so badly wished I could go back and fix them but it was already too late. About how scary it was being the only person in charge of two little kids lives and freaking out that I would badly accidentally mess up their lives. About how I didn’t know how I could go another day like this and maybe it would be better for our kids if I was gone. About not knowing the hell I was doing. About how many times I begged for him to come back and I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. About how I was laying awake holding our kids crying trying to be quiet wondering what kind of fun he was having with his new girlfriend instead of being here. About all the times we needed him and he isn’t here. About how much I hated him and was so angry with him. About how I had no clue what I was doing. 

All of this flashes in my eyes and head constantly during and after this little tiny argument about me not sticking with his routine. 

Every little trigger brings back these kinds of memories. They haunt me. Even when I am happy and should be happy. 

I just want to leave the past as the past and move toward. 

A Few Good Years Left

My Littles are 9 years old and 8 years old. It honestly feels like we only have a few good years left. That feels incredibly depressing to me. I don’t mean to jinx it and I hope I don’t, but it really does feel this way. 

Right now I work 3rd shift.  My Littles are sleeping at home when I am working. So I end up sleeping a lot when they are at school and home. I try to wake up when they get home from school but sometimes I am completely exhausted. When my Littles do see me and get to spend time with me, they attack me with hugs and want to spend tons of time with me. I love it. Sometimes it may feel like too much when I am very tired still but I absolutely love it. I love cuddling up, watching a movie, and playing board games with them. Dancing around the house, driving around amelessly having a jam out party in the car, and going special places is a blast for me. Even just doing absolutely nothing with them except talking about how school, sports, and life is doing for them is my happy time. Those are the moments that hold me over during the days when I am exhausted and overtired from working so many days in a row and pushing through so I can provide for my family and finally get to see my Littles. 

But I fear that we only may have a few good years like this left. 

Soon as they get older, they aren’t going to be so excited to see me. They aren’t going to want to cuddle up with me when I get home early and sneak in their rooms for a few minutes to cuddle and talk before they have to get up and moving for school. Our dance parties around the house where we laugh together and dance the silliest moves, they aren’t going to be interested in that anymore. The jam out parties that we have in the car when we sing as loud as we can to the best songs ever and have the best dance motions are going to be an embarrassment to them. 

Soon it’s only going to be about their friends, their crushes, and shopping to them. That’s it. No me. No me and them spending time together. 

We only have a few more good years left. We better enjoy every last minute of it and cherish it. Before we know it, they will be graduating from high school and college, getting married, and having babies. ❤

Hoping For The Worst But Wanting The Best

There’s something to be said when things are going right in your life for the first time in what feels like forever and you can’t seem to stop thinking about all the negatives that could be happening and you kind of hope that they will just happen. Not because you aren’t happy and you don’t want to be happy, but because it’s unfamiliar terrority for things to be going so well. That’s where I am in my life right now. Right at the this moment. 

Things are perfect. Finally. 

I have a great amazing man in my life. He’s the best. He goes above and beyond for me and our kids. Every day he tries to make our life easier and better. I work and he stays home with our kids taking care of them and our home. He handles the house work, grocery shopping, and laundry. He makes sure our kids get their homework done and helps them, gets them to and from school, and is there for them. It’s a bit different for me, well for us, because I used to be doing it all: our kids, our home, and work. All by myself for years. And now he’s back and doing just about everything. It being different is the understatement of the year for me. But its working successfully for all of us and he’s doing an amazing job. I gotta give him a lot of credit and props. He has grew up and changed so much over the years. I’m beyond proud of him. We actually communitcate, trust each other, and can lean on each other for anything and everything. He’s the one and only that I want to spend the rest of my life. 

My littles are doing so well. They are both growing so much into their own little people. You can see their personalities come out more and more every day. 

Ju-Ju Bean is in 4th grade. She plays volleyball now. For the first time in a long time, she has friends and is branching out meeting new people. She has some friends at school and on her volleyball team. I see her laughing and smiling more while being herself. She is getting taller now which is so crazy to me. In my eyes, she’s still my little baby girl that I just brought home from the hospital that I have to protect and take care. But now, she is getting taller (will be taller than me like her dad most likely) and does a lot of things for herself. Don’t get me wrong, I love that she is becoming so independent and growing up. It’s so nice to see but I don’t want her to not need me anymore. 

Cruzier is in 2nd grade. He is doing awesome in school. He has friends and he tries to get along with really well with other kids. Soccer is his favorite thing this year. He’s definitely a pro. His team and him are really working on working together to succeed. Cruzier is reading and spelling so good. It’s unbelievable. Being outdoors is one of his favorite things still. He is always wanting to be outside and doing outdoor activities. Therapy is still helping him tremendously.

We have a nice home that actually feels like home now. Right now we are down to one working vehicle but we do have two vehicles. We have two pets. Both of us have our own people: our few people that are there for us no matter what.

Things are good. Really good. Sure, we have our moments and days when we butt heads and drive each other crazy or things get messy but still, things are good. Better than they ever have been. I love our life right now. 

But for some reason, I can’t seem to shake that things are too good. Like that they will mess up and all fall apart soon. I’m not used to things going good like this. It’s scary when they are I think for me because then there’s so much at stake to lose and to lose everything or any of it, it would kill me. It would cause the kind of pain and hurt that would kill me. I don’t want things to get messed up. I love the way our life is. But I can’t seem to shake the fact that things have never worked out for me before and I kept hoping for everything to just get it done and over with by falling apart so it won’t hurt as much when it all ends if it just hurries up and ends. 

Speak Up and Stand Up

​I seen this on a friend’s Facebook and strongly felt it needed reposting. So many people are scared and victimized right now. 

OK white people. It’s now our responsibility to speak up and, if necessary, fight for the people who are marginalized, scapegoated, demonized, victimized. We MUST NOT become complacent because our privilege is intact. When you see racism, misogyny, xenophobia, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, don’t let it go. We have to be vigilant and protect the rights of our neighbors when they are threatened. 
If you are – 
A woman

A person of color

An immigrant

A Muslim

A Native American

Disabled

LGBTQ

I will speak up for you. I will not allow othering of you. I will work for justice for you. This is my responsibility as a person of privilege.

Connection With Cruzier

My relationship and connection with my son Cruzier has been a rough one from the beginning. When I got pregnant with him, I was 18 and my daughter Ju-Ju Bean was almost one years old. I honestly had no clue that I was pregnant until I was three months along. Now, that may seem a little impossible to some but since I had had my daughter things had been a bit hard and I was very stressed out and I had just gotten on a new birth control shot that you get every three months. I wasn’t taking proper care of myself and was always focused on my daughter first and then my boyfriend, her father. I didn’t take the time to dress up, make makeup on, or relax. It was always about my daughter and how to fix things with my boyfriend so we could be a family. We were on and off again, with a lot of drama. As parents we should have had our lives more stable and figured out but we were young and in love with a lot of issues we both had with our own pasts. Part of the time since I had my daughter we were living with his mom, my mom, and then my daughter and I moved in with my birthmom and stepdad when we broke up. While my daughter and I were living with my birthmom, randomly I had started feeling like something was moving in my belly. I told my birthmom and we both thought it might be gas. Well it was about time for me to get my next birth control shot so I made an appointment to get it. And well, surprise surprise, I’m pregnant. Three months along to be exact. That thing I felt moving in my belly that I thought was gas? That was a baby. My baby. 

My boyfriend and I didn’t agree on what we were going to do. Both of us wanted the baby but we had to be real and face the facts a bit. We had already been struggling so much financially with our daughter since I had her. Both of us had a lot of issues we needed to work on by ourselves and overcome in order to be the parent and person we needed to be for our daughter and for ourselves. We both couldn’t completely see how we could bring another child into the mix of everything. I wanted to keep the baby though. I couldn’t possibly see myself aborting my baby and I couldn’t see someone else raising my child. The whole pregnancy, I was told we had to give the baby up for adoption. That put a huge emotional and mental block on me. I wanted to keep this baby. I know we had had a rough time with providing for my daughter but this baby was mine and brought to me for a reason. But I knew we probably couldn’t keep the baby. When the baby would kick, hiccup, or move I would try to focus on something else instead of getting attached and all excited. To be honest, I was already starting to get a little attached by then but still was trying to block it all out. 

Fast foward to when I was about 8 or a little more months along. It was obviously getting closer to when the baby was due. We were still arguing about giving the baby up for adoption and couldn’t agree. I didn’t want to give up my baby and I knew I couldn’t do it. I wanted whatever we do be both of our choices since it was our baby and I wanted us to be a family with our littles. I knew it would be hard but I also knew we would find a way to provide for our family and give our littles the best we could. Our families wanted us to give up the baby for adoption also. That was very hard to hear. But I kind of understood. They wanted the best for us and our littles and what was best in their eyes was not two young parents that kind of really rushed into things without really getting to know each other, couldn’t afford a child or even themselves, and weren’t stable yet. I totally get that. It was not the perfect situation and to be honest, I a little secretly agreed and thought we really should have waited. But things happen and they happen for a reason. I knew we should have waited and things should have been different. I should have been able to hold a steady job, waited to have sex and/or used protection, and focused more on my future with graduating and college. 

Deep down in my heart I knew I couldn’t give up my baby and live with myself for doing that. So I was secretly starting to get a little bit of stuff ready for the baby. But then things started kind of getting a little more real. I seen my mom struggle as a single mom growing up. Living paycheck to paycheck, being low on food, and struggling to pay bills. Not be around as often because of always having to work just to meet the bills. I thought it wasn’t going to last with my boyfriend. We were constantly on and off again and arguing. Both of us still needed to grow up ourselves. So my mom and I decided to meet with an adoption agency. We got the profiles of some of the potential families and I found one family I really liked. The wife was a teacher and the husband was a firefighter. They would be able to provide for my baby and give it everything it needed and wanted. So we needed to meet with the adoption agency again and also my boyfriend to get his concent to move forward with the adoption. But then he changed his mind. He didn’t want to give the baby up. He wanted to keep it. So for almost 9 months now, I’ve made sure I haven’t completely made a connection or attachment with my baby in my belly because I wasn’t sure if we could keep it or not and was told we couldn’t. And now all the sudden, about two weeks before my due date, when I am now in preterm labor, we are keeping the baby. 

Once I had my son, it was instantly hard for me. He didn’t feel like my baby. Yes, I know I just gave birth to him and pushed his tiny body out of my body but when I held him, it felt like he was someone else’s. When he cried after they gave him back to me when I was all stiched back up and in the recovery room, I looked around the room to try and find the parents. Of course, there wasn’t any parents there to take him because he was mine. But it didn’t feel like it. 

I tried to be a good mom to him, I really did. With my daughter, I used to laugh all the time with her, dance around with her, and read her books. We would giggle together, lay together watching tv, and play on the floor with all her toys. With my son, I didn’t do much of that with him. I would still make sure he was fed, changed, and he would get the sleep he needed. But I never held him just because. Or read him books. Or cuddled with him. He still didn’t feel like mine. I would play with Ju-Ju Bean when I wasn’t working and Cruzier would obviously be with us sitting in my lap or laying on his play mat or in his bouncer so he would be there when I was playing with her and he would smile and laugh at us. But my attention wasn’t really on him. It was on my daughter. I had a connection with her since she had been in my belly and had a very strong attachment to her. It just wasn’t the same. 

When my son was 9 months old we moved again but this time it was just us three. Their father and I had had stuff happen between us and I decided to move away with my littles to the town my three older sisters were living. My son all the sudden got very colicky. I would always make sure he was fed, changed, and got the sleep he needed. I would try to hold him, cuddle him, and play with him. I actually really tried. It didn’t help. He would still cry and cry and cry. The only time he wouldn’t cry was when he was eating or sleeping. We’d go to the doctors all the time because I thought there was something wrong. He wouldn’t stop crying. That’s when they told me that he was colicky and some things to try and help which some of them did start to. I was getting better with him but still felt like he wasn’t my son. I started to feel like something was wrong with me. After going to the doctor’s for a regular appointment for myself with my littles, my doctor noticed the way I was with my son and started talking to me about postpartum depression. She believed I had it and after her explaining it to me, I knew I did. She got me some help which I am very grateful for. I started getting more of a bond with my son and doing way better with him. 

Fast foward to now: my son Cruzier is now almost 8 years old and I am 27 years young. Now for the past about 4-5 years, most things have been stable. We are in a stable home, I have gotten a lot of help for myself and littles, and we are in a good place in life. I am holding down a steady job that I love. Their father and I have worked things out and are dating. He is living with us again permanently. Both of our littles are in therapy still to help them through anything and everything. I am still in therapy. We are going to church every Sunday, youth group on Thursdays, and a Bible Life Group for me on Wednesdays. Things are going very good. Cruzier and I have really gotten our bond back and a connection. We have an attachment and he is always my son. He’s my main little man in my life. Although he’s always going to be my little baby in my eyes, he has grown so much into such a amazing intelligent strong young man. I love him with all my heart. I may have not been the best mom that I needed to be for him until I got some help from my doctor, but I always wanted him and loved hin very much. Love you Cruzier. 

Cruzier a few weeks old

Look at that cute face!

Cutie Putie

Super hero to the rescue!

Best picture ever

Love

Reintroduction

Hi there! Now, I know I’ve been on and off of here for a while now and you may or may not have been here reading my blog in the beginning so I thought I’d reintroduce myself and my family. 

My name is Lorena and I’m 27 years young. For work, I am a Certified Nursing Assistant. It’s something I absolutely love doing. I have a huge confusing family with lots of sisters, brothers, and parents. Plus, I have two Littles. When I talk about them on here, I call them by their nicknames that we picked out to protect their privacy. My daughter is Ju-Ju Bean and my son is Cruzier. They are my life.  

Ju-Ju Bean is 9 years old now and a fourth grader. She is creative, giving, and loving. Every day, she tries to go out of her way to help out others in whatever way possible. She amazes me all the time.

Cruzier is 7 years old, almost 8. Every day is a new adventure with him. He knows how to put a smile on anyone’s face and make them laugh even if they are having a bad day. You need cheering up? You can count on him always to help turn your frown upside down.  

I try to write about the ups & downs, adventures, and messy parts of our crazy busy life whenever possible. I hope you stay with us and enjoy the ride. 

Safety Patrol

My daughter joined the safety patrol team this year at her school. This has been a huge step for her. For a long time she has been scared of a lot of things and very attached to me. So when she told her father and I that she would like to join safety patrol, I secretly wanted to jump up for joy and we both agreed she could, as long as she continued with good grades and doing good at home. She has started to be independent and have a lot of confidence since she has started. I’m so amazed and proud of her. I can’t wait to see what other activities she wants to do and where this helps lead her. 

Life Group 2016

My Littles and I have just started going back to church. I have never wanted to force religion on them because for one, I have never been very religious myself and had my doubts about God and also because I wanted it my Littles own choice if they wanted to learn and believe in God. But they had started asking about God, Heaven, and such and to be honest, I didn’t have really any of the answers for them and they wanted to start going back to church so we started going to Truth Seekers (a youth group program) and church on Sundays. One night when I was sitting there at church waiting for them to get done with Truth Seekers, I had walked around the front desk area of the church and noticed these sign up sheets for Life Groups. I had never really knew what they were or what they were about so I asked. Life Groups are small groups within the larger church family and provide believers of fhe church with a place to seek God during the week with other Christ followers through prayer and the studying of the Scripture. A couple or a person hosts a bible study in their home for six weeks for anyone in the church to go to. I was interested but doubtful on if I would learn anything and nervous about what to expect but I figured, what’s to lose? That night my friend and I signed up together for one and it’s been the best experience for me in every way. 
There are a total of 12 of us that attend one of the groups, which include four sets of married couples. We have met once a week since September at one of the couples’ homes. At our first meet, I was extremely nervous coming but came with my friend. Her and I turned out to be the youngest of everyone in our group. That was intimating at first for me because everyone else was older, wiser, and seemed to have their whole life all together already. See, I was going into this Life Group because I felt like I needed some direction, a purpose, and guidance in my life and about God. My life has been a bit crazy, dysfunctional, and all over the place for a long long time. There has always been moving around to different places, people moving in and out of my life, and not very much guidance or structure exactly. The past I think five years have been a bit better though since my Littles and I live in our own home that we rent and can actually call home which has helped tremendously. We’ve came a long way together and so have I on my own but there’s always felt like something still missing deep down. I’ve tried to fill this void with so many things: love, lust, friends, etc. Nothing ever seems to help. I’ve always felt kind of lost and like I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was put in this world. At our Life Group first meet, it was eye opening to me in many ways. Firstly was the way everyone was with each other. Everyone welcomed each other with open arms. All the people there talked to each other with respect and seemed to care about each and every single person, even if it was their first time actually meeting each other. Everyone in our Life Group is very Godly. That sounds weird for me to say because I’ve never really heard the expression before but it fits. All the people believe, live their lives through Him, and are so inspiring to me. The married couples talked to each other with such respect and were so loving to each other in the way they did everything with each other. I had never met anyone that was there except my friend before hand and still, everyone welcomed me with open arms. I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. The first meet, I didn’t talk or interact as much but I more observed everyone and everything. The next meet, I had a very strong urge to open up and share my story a little bit during our discussion. And I did, with surprisingly not much hesitation. Normally I am pretty quiet for a while when I just meet someone and am in a new place but I honestly felt so welcome and like I truly belonged finally. I opened up about struggling to believe for the longest time because of thinking that there must not be really a God because there is so much pain and hurt throughout the world: Why would He let children get molested? How could He just let a lot of children and adults get abused? How can He just let all this happen when he is supposed to protect us and love us? I was very surprised when everyone there at Life Group talked me through all the answers and have taken the time to teach me and help me learn about God and the Bible. No one judged me, belittled me, or made fun of me. They all took me under their wings and have helped me tremendously. I now feel like I have a connection with God, believe, and feel like I belong somewhere. I’m so thankful for having joined and meeting everyone I did. It haa really changed my life. 

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! Well, happy late Halloween now. You know, I meant to post this on actual Halloween but it was such a good day that I got caught up with everything. Usually I am not into the holidays as much around this time of year because of my depression but this one was pretty good. My Littles had a blast and so did I. Little #1 was Wonder Woman and Little #2 was a ninja. We were able to go trick or treating with my sister and her family, as well as with mom. It got dark and cold pretty early but all the kids were able to go to a decent amount of houses. A church in a town close to us always does a Fall Festival with bounce houses, games, and music all free and indoors that we went to. It was so much fun! 

How was your Halloween? I hope it was a blast!

Back At It

​Life gets crazy busy sometimes, as you all must know already. As it gets busy, you tend to lose sight of your dreams, who you are, and everything that is important because you get so caught up with life. That happened to me within this year so I had to take some time off from my blog to regroup, find myself again, and take some time for my family. 
Now, I am feeling amazing, refreshed, and can’t wait to start writing again! 
Here’s a little update on my family:
Little #1 is doing amazing in school this year. She absolutely loves it! She has even taken up a few extra curricular activities and has really been showing her independence as well as responsibility. At school, she is the little miss queen bee with her friends and a big help. 
Little #2 is back on the right track and is doing extremely well in school. Just about every day, he gets a positive school award for doing so well. He has many close friends and does very well interacting with others now. All the help we have gotten him has really helped and paid off. 
I am still working at the place I absolutely love. I love all my residents, being able to make a difference in their lives, and all the staff I work with. My schedule has changed finally so that I can be home more now with my loves, which has helped a ton. Recently my Littles have gotten interested in religion and their faith again more in depth so we have been exploring and learning more through youth group, bible study for me, and church. It has helped all of us. My loves and I are very happy at this point in our lives and everything is working out for all four of us. 
Thank you for sticking with my blog and I look forward to posting more!