Hoping For The Worst But Wanting The Best

There’s something to be said when things are going right in your life for the first time in what feels like forever and you can’t seem to stop thinking about all the negatives that could be happening and you kind of hope that they will just happen. Not because you aren’t happy and you don’t want to be happy, but because it’s unfamiliar terrority for things to be going so well. That’s where I am in my life right now. Right at the this moment. 

Things are perfect. Finally. 

I have a great amazing man in my life. He’s the best. He goes above and beyond for me and our kids. Every day he tries to make our life easier and better. I work and he stays home with our kids taking care of them and our home. He handles the house work, grocery shopping, and laundry. He makes sure our kids get their homework done and helps them, gets them to and from school, and is there for them. It’s a bit different for me, well for us, because I used to be doing it all: our kids, our home, and work. All by myself for years. And now he’s back and doing just about everything. It being different is the understatement of the year for me. But its working successfully for all of us and he’s doing an amazing job. I gotta give him a lot of credit and props. He has grew up and changed so much over the years. I’m beyond proud of him. We actually communitcate, trust each other, and can lean on each other for anything and everything. He’s the one and only that I want to spend the rest of my life. 

My littles are doing so well. They are both growing so much into their own little people. You can see their personalities come out more and more every day. 

Ju-Ju Bean is in 4th grade. She plays volleyball now. For the first time in a long time, she has friends and is branching out meeting new people. She has some friends at school and on her volleyball team. I see her laughing and smiling more while being herself. She is getting taller now which is so crazy to me. In my eyes, she’s still my little baby girl that I just brought home from the hospital that I have to protect and take care. But now, she is getting taller (will be taller than me like her dad most likely) and does a lot of things for herself. Don’t get me wrong, I love that she is becoming so independent and growing up. It’s so nice to see but I don’t want her to not need me anymore. 

Cruzier is in 2nd grade. He is doing awesome in school. He has friends and he tries to get along with really well with other kids. Soccer is his favorite thing this year. He’s definitely a pro. His team and him are really working on working together to succeed. Cruzier is reading and spelling so good. It’s unbelievable. Being outdoors is one of his favorite things still. He is always wanting to be outside and doing outdoor activities. Therapy is still helping him tremendously.

We have a nice home that actually feels like home now. Right now we are down to one working vehicle but we do have two vehicles. We have two pets. Both of us have our own people: our few people that are there for us no matter what.

Things are good. Really good. Sure, we have our moments and days when we butt heads and drive each other crazy or things get messy but still, things are good. Better than they ever have been. I love our life right now. 

But for some reason, I can’t seem to shake that things are too good. Like that they will mess up and all fall apart soon. I’m not used to things going good like this. It’s scary when they are I think for me because then there’s so much at stake to lose and to lose everything or any of it, it would kill me. It would cause the kind of pain and hurt that would kill me. I don’t want things to get messed up. I love the way our life is. But I can’t seem to shake the fact that things have never worked out for me before and I kept hoping for everything to just get it done and over with by falling apart so it won’t hurt as much when it all ends if it just hurries up and ends. 

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