A few months ago, a guy came closer to me in my life. He did everything I wanted from a man, said all the right things, and did all the right things. Feelings were felt from both of us. All of the sudden, things got completely flipped all the way upside down more than I could ever have believed that could happen and he was out of the picture for good. Bad things were happening back to back, I thought it would never end and was struggling to pull through it all.
One big thing that happened is I became pregnant. I was due in February. I was nervous, scared, and depressed. It was a very hard time in my life at that moment because of everything that was going on in all aspects. Finally after a while things had started settling down. I was beginning to be happy and excited about the pregnancy. Not with who it happened with or how it happened, but because the baby was a blessing. I started having a lot of family support and thinking things were getting better. My sisters helped me so much with picking out the names and helping me get ready for the baby. I had the perfect names picked out that fit the baby so perfectly. My Littles and I were so excited. Things were better and I wasn’t as stressed out as before but was still just a little bit.
I was excited to be able to have a baby again. I was going to babywear, breastfeed, and do everything else I had never knew about really when my Littles were babies. I was happy to be able to have that bond again since I had never really gotten it with my son when he was a baby due to post partum depression. My Littles were so excited about having a baby brother or sister. They were going to help me out and be such good older siblings. I had the cutest boys and girls clothes that I had bought for the baby. I had bought my first pack of diapers too. I was trying to get a head start on getting everything ready for the baby so I wouldn’t have to struggle like I did with my Littles when they were younger. I was happy, excited, and blessed.
One day I started having bad back and stomach pains. For a while, I could handle them. I thought it was just because I was doing too much or was stressed out still a bit so I tried to relax. I ended up having a miscarriage. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve been through. I fell back into my depression, didn’t want to do anything, and cried most of the time. I tried to put up a big tough front but really I was dying on the inside and mourning my baby that I lost. Every time I seen or heard or touched a baby, I died a little more on the inside and grieved even more for my baby that I lost.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve had the miscarriage. Some things have gotten a little easier, some things haven’t. My heart still breaks when I see or hear or touch a baby because I can’t do that with my baby that I lost. I had gotten clothes, blankets, and other items already for the baby that are just sitting there in my room that I have to pass every single day. It’s heartbreaking. My baby won’t be here in February. My baby won’t be wearing any of the adorable outfits I got it. My baby won’t be in my arms or laying against my chest. My baby won’t be here.
My baby will be in my heart always and forever.