Forever In Our Hearts

A few months ago, a guy came closer to me in my life. He did everything I wanted from a man, said all the right things, and did all the right things. Feelings were felt from both of us. All of the sudden, things got completely flipped all the way upside down more than I could ever have believed that could happen and he was out of the picture for good. Bad things were happening back to back, I thought it would never end and was struggling to pull through it all.

One big thing that happened is I became pregnant. I was due in February. I was nervous, scared, and depressed. It was a very hard time in my life at that moment because of everything that was going on in all aspects. Finally after a while things had started settling down. I was beginning to be happy and excited about the pregnancy. Not with who it happened with or how it happened, but because the baby was a blessing. I started having a lot of family support and thinking things were getting better. My sisters helped me so much with picking out the names and helping me get ready for the baby. I had the perfect names picked out that fit the baby so perfectly. My Littles and I were so excited. Things were better and I wasn’t as stressed out as before but was still just a little bit.

I was excited to be able to have a baby again. I was going to babywear, breastfeed, and do everything else I had never knew about really when my Littles were babies. I was happy to be able to have that bond again since I had never really gotten it with my son when he was a baby due to post partum depression. My Littles were so excited about having a baby brother or sister. They were going to help me out and be such good older siblings. I had the cutest boys and girls clothes that I had bought for the baby. I had bought my first pack of diapers too. I was trying to get a head start on getting everything ready for the baby so I wouldn’t have to struggle like I did with my Littles when they were younger. I was happy, excited, and blessed.

One day I started having bad back and stomach pains. For a while, I could handle them. I thought it was just because I was doing too much or was stressed out still a bit so I tried to relax. I ended up having a miscarriage. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve been through. I fell back into my depression, didn’t want to do anything, and cried most of the time. I tried to put up a big tough front but really I was dying on the inside and mourning my baby that I lost. Every time I seen or heard or touched a baby, I died a little more on the inside and grieved even more for my baby that I lost.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve had the miscarriage. Some things have gotten a little easier, some things haven’t. My heart still breaks when I see or hear or touch a baby because I can’t do that with my baby that I lost. I had gotten clothes, blankets, and other items already for the baby that are just sitting there in my room that I have to pass every single day. It’s heartbreaking. My baby won’t be here in February. My baby won’t be wearing any of the adorable outfits I got it. My baby won’t be in my arms or laying against my chest. My baby won’t be here.

My baby will be in my heart always and forever. 

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Stitches

Yesterday my son, Cruzier, decided to jump on one of our couches and ended up cutting his leg open on a piece of wood that was sticking out on the couch. When his sister came upstairs to tell me he had blood on his leg, I went down in the living room thinking my son just scraped his leg. Nope, I was wrong, completely wrong. Not just a little scrape, it was a full blown cut on my Little’s leg. Freaking out by seeing all the blood and my baby boys face filled with pain, I quickly picked him up and ran to the car with his sister. I raced to the emergency room while freaking out in the inside and trying to calm my Littles on the outside. After two hours, many tears, and a round of kicks given to the doctor and nurses, my son was given about 15 stitches for the first time ever. He is the strongest courageous boy I know and one of my little heros. Thank goodness he is doing a lot better now and it’s looking like his stitches are healing nicely. I would do anything for my Littles and I’m so thankful for them both.

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Success!

Gentle parenting has been pretty hard for me and well I guess parenting in general has because I had both of my Littles at a young age, had a rough up bringing that has included abuse, and I had no clue how to be a parent. I found out about gentle parenting and it has helped change me for the better in many different ways. Heres a good example with some background: My Littles and I had a dog that we had for a little over a year but had to give her away to a new family due to one of my neighbors and my landlord. Our dog was my Littles only best friend due to getting bullied at school, my emotional support animal for my anxiety and depression, and a big help for my son since their dad has left out of the picture mostly. It’s been extremely hard to not have her around now for my Littles and I. I had been kind of thinking about getting a new small pet that my neighbor and landlord would be okay with and that could help my Littles again. They had enough money from their allowance to get two kittens today for themselves. One kitten was being super hyper and I was able to show my Littles about gentle parenting to the kittens which was pretty awesome. The hyper kitten was attacking everything and my daughter was freaking out scared and feeling very overwhelmed about it so I tried to hold the kitten with my blanket, pet it gently, and cuddle it. Almost instantly, the kitten fell right asleep. My Littles were amazed and said that all the kitten needed was some gentle loving. It really helped reinforce gentle parenting really works and that when my Littles are having a hard time and I’m feeling very overwhelmed with no clue what to do, to try and take step back, calm down, and try to understand with love. Maybe even though I still struggle with parenting and trying to be a gentle peaceful parent and think I’m clueless on most aspects of it, maybe I actually am learning and doing a good job.