My Father

No matter what I do, I can’t make my father be in my life or in my littles’ lives.

Even when I was younger when he got custody of my sister and I finally and we went to live with him, I could never get his attention unless it was the wrong kind of attention. After a while of trying to do the right thing but never seeming to do anything right in his eyes and after noticing his favoritism ways with my siblings but never me, I stopped caring as much. I would do whatever I could just to get some form of attention from him and him to actually finally pay attention to me. Even with all the punishments such as the beatings, yelling, getting all my hair shaved off, etc all I wanted was a father. A real father.

Some of my friends growing up would tell me about their fathers. Such as their father taking them out for ice cream or playing basketball with them or being at the school shows like the Christmas show cheering them on, being their protector, being their side kick, etc.  It would really hurt hearing that because that’s all I wanted from my father but I could never make him be a real father like that. I always wished I had a father like that.

I would pretend that it didn’t hurt and that I didn’t care. In reality, it hurt. Bad. It hurts to have a member of your family who is supposed to be your parent and supposed to love you, like you, do anything for you, and actually care about you that doesn’t want anything to do with you. My father doesn’t love me or like me or want to have anything to do with me. And seriously, that causes me so much pain.

I don’t understand how a parent can be like that with their little. I have two littles. I could never not love them, not like them, not care about them, and not do anything for them. They are my life. I live for them. They are my everything. Without them, I would be broken. I kind of understand in a way why my father is the way he is. But only a little bit in a way. His father beat him when he was growing up and so my father grew up thinking it is okay as a punishment for littles. My father lives maybe 4 blocks away from his father and step mom. They live down the street and around a corner down another street from him. To this day, they don’t speak or see each other. It’s crazy in my eyes because as a parent now, I couldn’t be like that with my littles even when they grow up. I’d think that after being raised with being beating, the pain that comes with punishments like that, and having a history with parents that you don’t see or talk to even though you both live so close to each other, you wouldn’t want that for your littles so you would do differently as a parent to your littles. I was beat as a child, have this history with my father, and have a lot of issues and pain even still now that he caused as well as others in my life. There is no way in hell that I will do any thing that was done to me as a little to my littles or let anything like that happen to them. I know the pain it caused and the damage it causes. I thought it was common sense not to do those things to any ones littles especially if it was done to you since you know the effects it can cause but I guess I was wrong about that.

Since I was little, I’ve always wanted a father. Even now I do and I imagine I always will want one. This affects me in all relationships with men, big time. I always want a father figure so I seek attention from men to get that fatherly figure, attention, and everything that comes with having a father. It totally ruins all my relationships with men because of that and because I end up getting scared that the man will leave just like my father and every other man in my life has done and I push him away completely because I don’t want to get hurt. Before I knew my self worth, I’d deal with men that were like my father with the abuse physically, verbally, and emotionally. They were like him in many ways with his temper, his violence, his words, his actions, and his attitude. I dealt with them and accepted the way they were because my father was like that and I so desperately wanted a fatherly figure. Father’s are supposed to set the standard for the men that their daughter’s let in the lives and supposed to set the standards for the way their sons will be as a man. I guess in a way my father did his job of setting the standard for me for men in my life for a while before I found my worth. Now I know a man is not supposed to be like my father. A man is supposed to be honest, caring, loving, responsible, respectful, and reliable towards his littles and spouse. A man is not supposed to abuse his littles or spouse or anyone physically, emotionally, sexually, or verbally. A man is not supposed to down grade his littles or spouse. A man is not supposed to lie to his littles or spouse. A man is not supposed to cheat on his spouse. A man is supposed to be there physically and emotionally for his littles and spouse. A man is supposed to set the standard for the man his son will be and the men that his daughter will let in her life. A man is supposed to help support his littles and spouse. My father did everything he wasn’t supposed to do and didn’t do everything he supposed to do. I will never let any man do anything that my father did to me or my littles.

A big part that pisses me off about my father as well is that he is not in his grandchildren’s lives. I understand if he has a problem with me or doesn’t want to be in my life but why not be in my littles lives? I don’t get it. We’ve tried to see him by us driving there before. We’ve tried to call him numerous times. We’ve tried to meet up with him on scheduled occasions. Every time, it’s an excuse. Mainly the excuse is that he’s sleeping or tired. How can you be so tired if you aren’t working? That doesn’t make sense.
My littles need a grandpa. A real grandpa that will love them, care for them, and be there for them. I have many fond memories of my grandpa’s.

My grandpa Larry was one of the most amazing grandpa’s ever. He actually cared for his littles and his grand – littles. He spent quality time with us in the yard, on the boat fishing, on his tractor Wagon, singing us songs, making root beer floats with us, and many more times. I have so many memories of him.

My grandpa Pedro is amazing. We don’t get to see him much anymore but he was always there for us both physically and emotionally. He actually cared about us. He would actually listen to us. He lived in the real life and would teach us real life things that we needed to know to survive.

My grandpa John was always so much fun. He would take us boating, have yummy food, and would have funny jokes, even though a lot were more adult humor for the adults. I don’t see him much anymore but I’m going to be trying to see him more. He still is a good grandpa to my younger siblings.

My grandpa Larry is very smart. He knows so much about cooking and cars. He taught my sister so much and always encouraged us to do good. I always thought he looked like Santa Clause with his beard.

My great grandpa Jo was very loving. I didn’t get to spend much time with him but I remember he was very nice. He always seemed to care about everyone.

I really wish my littles would have moments like those with their grandpa’s. I really do. They deserve to have a grandpa. I always thought my father would be a good grandpa and would kind of grow up like his father. It doesn’t seem like that will come true at all but it’s nice to wish.

The truth is that things happen in life and people do things in our lives that affect us greatly. We can’t change those things but can change how we react and how we let it affect us in our lives. We can decide who we will let have control over our emotions. My father most likely will never be in my life or my littles lives. Sure it hurts a lot but I can’t let it control my emotions forever and run my life. He wasn’t a very good father and honestly now that I think of it,  I don’t know if I’d like him around my littles at all or around myself. He caused a lot of pain, issues, and fear with me and a few siblings of mine. That’s not the type of person I want around my littles or myself.

I may not have a real father or fatherly figure in my life but I’m going to survive and succeed. I’m going to make it with or without him. I got this, I know I do.

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