I had counseling today which has helped me so much! It may be weird to some, but I absolutely love going to counseling. It helps me in so many ways to talk to my counsler.
A big thing we talked about is my childhood. I feel lost about my childhood in a way and stuck. I don’t remember a lot from back then but the most of the things I do remember are things I don’t care to remember at all. I have bits and pieces of my childhood of the good things in my head but can’t piece everything together. When someone, like my littles, asks me something about my childhood most of the time I feel stupid because I can’t remember or don’t know. Like recently my littles asked me if my family ever had family night growing up when I was their ages or what we did on Christmas or if I was ever read a bed time story by my mom or dad or things like that, I have no clue. I don’t remember at all. I have scrapbooks for my littles and I. Both of my littles each have a scrapbook for ages birth – age 5 and one from 5 – and up. I have one as well for me. Theirs are pretty thick, at least the first ones are since they are 6 years old and 7 years old. I lost a lot of my pictures of them and cameras from moving so much but I found a lot on MySpace and Facebook on my profiles of them. Mine isn’t very thick at all. I have some pictures that I received from my grandma that are very special to me from me growing up that have helped me a lot. I love all those pictures. I just wish I could fill in the blanks to the areas in my life I don’t remember which is a lot. In counseling today we discussed this a lot. My counsler made a very good point. It may not matter exactly everything that happened in every single moment. No one can remember all of that. It’s okay to not have many memories of people that are important in your life, you just have to create new ones. My counseler did an excercise with me. She asked me what my littles and I had for dinner the night before. I told her we had tacos for dinner. She asked what ingredients did we use, how many did we have, when did we eat, how did we eat them, etc. I couldn’t remember all of that. She asked what the most important part of it was. I said that I spent time with my family eating dinner together which was the most important thing to me about it. Sometimes it’s okay that we don’t remember every single detail but that we remember the main important parts. I remember that I spent a lot of time with my sister Jessica and my brothers Alex and Aaron. I remember watching X FILES. I remember watching Bananas in Pajamas. That was all quality time spent. I remember my sister and brother digging in the dumpster to find things to have our own garage sale in the front lawn of our apartment that we lived in. I remember the bond that my sister and brothers had. I remember getting a big black gorilla with a banana in its hand from Woodman’s in in the freezer section on top of the freezers. I loved that gorilla. I remember playing with my barbie sets in a cupboard in the dresser we had. I remember my sister playing with beanie babies and tricking my brother and I with them saying they came alive at night. I remember building a snowman with my sister and foster sister. I remember smelling the fresh bread that my foster mom was making. I remember playing barbies at her home. I remember all the American dolls. I remember my foster mom’s garden. I wanted a garden like that when I was older. I do have these memories and some more. My childhood was kind of messy. BUT I did spend a lot of quality time with people in my life that mean a lot to me, made a lot of treasuring moments, and can continue making more.