Sometimes we have those moments. Those moments when we freak out and lose it. Those moments when we have no clue what to do and are lost. Those moments when we want to pull out all our hair, scream, and lose control.
I had one of those moments today.
Both littles had been being horrible, of course after all the arts and crafts we did from Christmas. We got a ride to Walmart and the library to get some temporary hair dye for temporary highlights for my littles’ hair as meeting in the middle with them since they both want to dye their hair. We met in the middle with their dad over the phone and agreed that they could get temporary highlights in their hair that lasts a day or a few days in fun colors like pink and blue like they wanted.
But then it started. One couldn’t find their hat. One couldn’t understand why we don’t hit each other and kept hitting. One couldn’t understand why we can’t touch everything in the store. One couldn’t understand why we couldn’t have everything in the whole store that moment. One thought it would be fun to grab things off the shelves and put them all in the cart before I could see until we were about to leave. One couldn’t understand anything that was coming out of my mouth, such as stop, don’t touch that, or knock it off before you’re grounded for life. One couldn’t understand why the world doesn’t revolve around them at all periods of time. One couldn’t understand why someone was walking out and thought that someone was leaving us there to walk home. One was thinking they are the boss of the whole world. One was getting to realize that we were being rushed so was freaking out themselves.
I had had it. Completely. Couldn’t take it anymore.
Then I burst.
As we got home.
I lost it.
I was completely tired of being at the end of one of my littles blunt aggressive anger period in my little’s life that I always feel the wrath of unlike other people except my other little that gets it too. I get beat up on, kicked, punched, bit, screamed at, yelled at, the doors slammed in my face, things thrown at me, etc. All this constant anger, sadness, and frustration is all built up in my little almost 6 year old. All because my little wants their dad permanently. I don’t blame my little and I try to help as much as possible with feelings, talking things out, and spending more time with each other but nothing helps because my little only wants one thing. Their dad. And no matter what I do, I can’t make him live here again right this instant to help my little or anything. I’ve talked with their dad to figure something out numerous times and now we are taking it slow and getting things about ourselves working out first and maybe in a couple months we can live together again focusing on our littles. Couple months feel like a lifetime dealing with all this especially to my littles but they don’t know the plans of this just in case it doesn’t work. But their dad has been stepping up majorly and helping. It helps a lot but doesn’t fix the problem because he’s not here yet for our littles living here and can’t see them every day because of work. It’s so hard to be at the end of my littles anger and it all be directed towards me. I’ll admit I could have handled things way better with their dad and done a lot of things differently with their dad so it didn’t end up the way it did. This time, it was majority my fault with him not being here. Every time we got in a argument which was a lot of the time, I’d threaten for him to have to leave and move out. Mainly because that’s what I seen in my life happen if things didn’t work out between people in relationships and parents. Also mainly because I didn’t want to be left and left hurting so it was easier just to try and make him leave myself. At least I thought so at the time. I didn’t realize what was at stake, how much I messed up everything, and how much I truly loved him until the last straw with me made him move because I kicked him out for the last time. I understand this is my fault. I understand that it has hurt all of us, especially our littles. I understand the effect it has had on all of us. I understand that my littles are mad at me for it and so was their dad and I was mad at myself too. I understand this is why my little is acting out majorly. If I could I’d take it all back and redo it better than ever.
One of my littles was pushing me and screaming at me because I am the worst mom ever, which I tend to disagree.
I pushed my little back. Not very hard. But enough for him to fall back on their bottom.
I threw a big fit.
Just like both of my littles do.
I kicked my feet.
I threw up my arms and threw them all around.
I didn’t listen to anything they were saying.
I told one that they were grounded to their room the rest of the night until they checked their attitude.
I told one to clean up their mess from earlier that they wouldn’t clean up at all.
I scared them. And myself. Seeing my littles look at me like that scared myself more than ever before.
They actually listened though to the last two things I told them to do: one stay in room until checked their attitude and one clean up their mess that they were told 10 times to do.
I had just finished yelling and freaking out and just sat down to breath for a moment when a miracle happened.
Their dad knocked at the front door and walked in.
Just when he was very much needed.
He seen me, knew something was wrong, and called both littles to him.
He talked to them about plans all the sudden for them to come with him to the shop while he quickly fixes a car and for them to come over to his house and sleep over.
He helped them get ready.
He helped them do what they needed to do.
He came to the rescue even though he didn’t know he was needed at that exact moment.
So thankful for their dad even though we have our moments.
He talked with our littles later after I messaged him and told him what happened. He helped explain that I reached my breaking point because of their behavior and my fault as well and sometimes people reach their breaking point and do things they don’t mean. He explained that it won’t happen again to the point it did.
I talked with him afterwards and apologized. He understood and so did our littles.
I will admit I freaked out and reached my breaking point. I will admit I scared my littles and myself.
But I will also promise I will not let it get like that again. I promise I will learn how to soothe myself and calm myself down during a time like this. I will read books on parenting to better my parenting with my littles.
I will do better.
I promise my littles and myself that.