Isn’t Going As Planned

I’m a planner, in a way. I like to know exactly what’s going to happen at what exact moment how exactly it’s going to happen where exactly it’s going to happen.  It kind of drives myself crazy needing to know all of that and also drives myself crazy when I don’t know those details, which tends to happen a lot. More than I like to admit because it seriously drives me insane in the membrane.

I plan things out. Most of the time I plan things in my head and on my calendar. Majority of the time, it’s in my head.

I plan just about everything. What we are doing for the day. What we are not doing for the day. How my life is supposed to be going. How my life is actually going. Where we are in life. Where we are supposed to be in life. What job I’m supposed to have. What we are having for meals. What mu friends and loved ones are supposed to say and supposed to do. What I’m supposed to say and supposed to do. What movie we are going to be watching. What we are going to be talking about. What I expect of my loved ones. What I expect of myself. What my dog is doing. What my dog is supposed to be doing. What I will get done in the day. If I will pass or not pass my tests or classes.

The list goes on. And on. And on.

All in my head. Constantly.

I’m always planning.

Like with my life.

This is not how my life is supposed to be. I’m supposed to be done with college. I’m supposed to have a career, in the health care field since that’s what I always wanted to do since I was little. I’m supposed to have someone that I love and that loves me back. I’m supposed to have someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with and someone that wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I’m supposed to have planned having littles with them. I’m supposed to have have littles with them that we planned. I’m supposed to be married. I’m supposed to go to church faithfully every week. I’m supposed to know myself inside and out. I’m supposed to be crafty. I’m supposed to know how to cook delicious food for my family. I’m supposed to know how to clean. I’m supposed to love cleaning. I’m supposed to know how to keep a clean home. I’m supposed to have a home, a actual home that my family’s.  I’m supposed to have a working reliable vehicle. I’m supposed to have insurance, my drivers license, and no tickets. I’m supposed to have the perfect clean past. I’m supposed to have the most amazing loved ones. I’m supposed to be closer than close to my family and loved ones. I’m supposed to be a daddies girl. I’m supposed to always have a smile on my face. I’m supposed to never be angry or have fear or be worried. I’m supposed to have the most perfect littles ever that are the best at everything. I’m supposed to never tell anyone my family’s or my dirty laundry. I’m supposed to be fit, skinny, and healthy. I’m supposed to have much money, enough for the needs and wants for my family.

I’m supposed to be perfect with the perfect life and perfect loved ones.

But instead my life is different.

I have two littles. I did not plan them with their father. I did not get married before or after I had them. I have two littles that are not the best at everything and are not perfect. They are perfect to me though. They are the best at anything they put their minds to in their own way. I do not have someone that I love and that loves me. I do not have someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with and that wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Instead, I have a dog, my littles, and a plenty of fish dating website account. I have a dog that is there for me no matter what, that helps keep me sane, and that is my best friend. I have littles that I couldn’t imagine life without, that keep me going every day, and that I love very much. I have a plenty of fish dating website account full of crazy men that some make me want to puke and some that actually are good men. I have a home. I rent it. It keeps a roof over our heads. We have our own rooms and don’t have to struggle for right now. I am not done with college. I have a year and a little more to go. I’m not going for the medical health care field. I’m going for Criminal Justice and am proud of it. I don’t have the perfect past. But it made me who I am today. I don’t have a career yet. I don’t have a reliable vehicle. I don’t have a drivers license or insurance. I do have tickets. But I have learned a lot of lessons from that and am working on it. I don’t have the perfect family or loved ones. But I have the right ones for me. I get angry and worried and have fear sometimes. I’m not a stone cold person. I am human and real. I go to church when I can but I do believe and am learning more. I do blog and let people know my business. It’s my way of expressing myself. I don’t know myself inside and out yet. I’m still learning about myself. I don’t know how to make the most delicious food for my family but I’m learning. I hate cleaning but am getting the hang of it even though I highly doubt I’ll come to love it. I’m not skinny or fit or healthy yet but I’m taking the steps to get healthy and fit but not skinny as much as before. I’m not as crafty but I am a little bit. I have barely any money but we are doing alright. I’m teaching my littles the importance of giving, helping, and volunteering. I’m teaching them what life is all about. I’m open to new different things every day. I’m more sympathetic and empathetic towards others.

My life isn’t going the way it’s supposed to.

It’s going 100x better than I ever planned even though we may not have everything, are struggling a little bit, and don’t have a perfect life.

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