I hate being wrong, someone trying to show or explain that I’m wrong when they are not correct, having someone say or explain something about me when they are wrong, when things are not equal, when someone is not understanding me, and a bunch of other things but those are a bunch of the main issues that drive me insane.
I heard a few of those things tonight from someone that means a lot to me.
And I am pissed.
I feel like I am going to explode. I want to yell and scream as loud as I can, cry my eyes out, stomp my feet, punch the wall, and give someone (well everyone) a piece of my mind at this moment. I actually have yelled a few times today as I was trying to get my littles back to bed, which of course was because they were driving me crazy but only because of my own feelings that I’m having right now.
Tonight I was told that being a single mom was my choice.
Ummmm woah, hold up right there.
No it was actually not my choice to be a single mom to my littles. At all. It was not my choice to raise my littles without their dad for 6 years and now again do the majority of the raising of our littles by myself without him. That was not my choice.
It was my choice however to choose my littles over their dad because of his bad decisions. It was my choice to move us away from people that were doing drugs because of the better of my littles. It was my choice to put my littles first before myself and anyone else including their dad whom I loved but couldn’t be with because of his issues. It was my choice to move somewhere else when he decided to chose his bad choices, bad friends, and bad lifestyle over our littles and I. It was my choice to stand up as a woman and mother. It was my choice to stand up as a mother and do the only thing that I needed to do at those moments: put my littles first and take care of them before everything else. It was my choice to always try to do the best for my littles for the better of them. It was my choice to move from others homes when it was not a safe environment for my littles. It was my choice to stay away from their dad until he got back on his feet and figured out his life. It was my choice to continue to raise my littles as a mature mother should even though I was young when I had them and had no clue what the hell I was doing. It was my choice to always put them first. It was my choice to make the steps to work things out with their dad as parents for our littles. That was all my choice and I will own all of that and some more that was my choice.
But I will not own that it was my choice to become a single mom. I didn’t just wake up one morning or decide at any point in my life that hey, I think I want to be a single mom now and start doing that from then on. Um no. Didn’t happen like that.
I’ve always wanted that perfect little family with the husband, wife, littles, pets, perfect little house, and the white picket fence. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I tried to have. Thsts what was planned. But not everything works out the way it’s planned. Life happens.
Just because we didn’t get married, does not mean that I planned on being a single mom. We were engaged for a while. We even planned our wedding and were still in the process of planning it when we split up. Things didn’t work out. The drugs, partying, so called friends, work, family, youth, and parenting got in the way and it didn’t work out.
I didn’t choose to be a single mom. I choose what was right for my littles and there’s nothing wrong with that.