One of the Strongest Women I Know

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One of the strongest women I know being a good mom 💖

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Thanksgiving 2014

This thanksgiving has been amazing in all ways. It has opened my littles and my eyes in many ways.

My littles, niece, nephew, sister, and the baby Aria I babysit had a early thanksgiving yesterday. I cooked everything and the food came out amazing. It was my littles and I first thanksgiving alone together and it was a joy to spend it with ones we love. We all went to bed full and happy.

This morning and afternoon, my littles and I started a new thanksgiving tradition of volunteering at the salvation army passing out food and helping others. It was amazing to help out others and put a smile on their faces. We had a very good time. My littles and I were the dessert passer outers. We went to every table and my littles asked everyone if they’d like a dessert many times. Of course, they felt the need to dress up special for everyone. 

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Afterwards, I dropped my littles off to spend time with their dad and his family for thanksgiving.

I went over to my sister’s house to spend time with her, my niece, and my nephew for thanksgiving. It’s their first year alone for thanksgiving as well so it was nice to spend time with them and make new traditions. We also went and got my sister a real Christmas tree for the first time!

It was hard to see my sister and her kids go through a very hard time and not be able to do anything to help them and to take the pain away. It still is very hard to see. But it has helped me see the true strength in my sister and her kids. They are all amazing. My sister is one of the strongest women I know. She always tries to hold it together for her kids even when I have no clue how she can and know for sure I wouldn’t be able to do so. Her kids are two of the best kids around. They have a lot going on but keep putting smiles on others faces constantly. Love them all.

This thanksgiving has been the best yet. It’s been full of joy, helping others, getting a real Christmas tree for my sister’s family, spending time with family, a little sadness, strength, hope, frozen pumpkin pie, amazing yummy food, amazing people, and laughter. So thankful for everything. Never going to take it for granted again.

Come Get Through

Seeing your niece, nephew, and sister go through a difficult time with nothing you can do to help make it better and take all the pain away is such a horrible feeling. I know they are strong and can get through this stronger than ever.

Early Thanksgiving

Today was a early thanksgiving for my littles and I since tomorrow we are volunteering at the salvation army in the morning and afternoon until my littles go to their dad’s for their thanksgiving there.

I made a turkey for the very first time! It came out so good! I also made cranberry sauce, homemade mashed potatoes, peas, biscuits, gravy, a fruit bowl, and bought two different kinds of pies: a pumpkin pie and apple crunch pie. It was all so amazing!

We even invited my sister, niece, and nephew over for dinner to celebrate with them. My littles were very happy to see them. The baby Aria I babysit was over too. It was such a nice early thanksgiving and I’m proud of all we have overcame and accomplished. So thankful for everything and everyone in my life.

Day 1 Blog Challenge

I’ve decided to start one of the blog challenges to help everyone get to know my blog, myself, and my littles a little better. I’m beyond excited!

So here’s day 1 of my blog challenge:

List 15 facts about yourself that probably no one else knows about yourself.
1. I don’t have a favorite color. If I had to pick one, it would be a tie between the colors red, purple, and black. Those are the best colors in my world lol.

2. I hate scary movie. They totally freak me out. If I watch one, I can’t sleep and will have nightmares. I’m a big baby about scary movies.

3. I love kids but some other people’s kids, drive me crazy. Some are just mean. But I strongly believe kids are a product of their environment so if the kids are mean or aggressive, it could be because that’s how the kid is being treated at home, what they grew up around, or because of deep down issues so I sympathize and emphasis with them and try to help them.

4. I’m in a changing, learning, and growth stage in my life. I’m changing and growing as a person. I’m learning more about myself, my littles, everyone around me, and life itself every day.   

5. I used to be a big judgment person towards everyone. I used to judge everyone and not be nice to most. I’m more sympathetic and emphatic towards others now.

6. I have targets in life and will reach them.

7. One of my biggest targets in my life is that I want to make a difference in someone’s life and help change their life.

8. Change is hard for me but now with the period I’m in my life, I’m more accepting of it and embracing it.

9. This will be my littles, our dog, and I first thanksgiving together alone. I have no clue what I’m doing but am trying my hardest.

10. Music and books are amazing to me. They are like my own personal therapy. They take me to a whole new world.

11. I love color. In all aspects. Color helps me. It gives me joy and hope. I can’t stand white walls. It just depresses me. So I have pictures and my littles art work all hung up around my house.            

12. Tacos are my favorite food! They are AMAZING! So yummy. I could seriously eat them days!

13. I love cooking. I don’t exactly know how to cook most foods but I love learning how.
14. The rain puts me right to sleep. I love when it rains. I leave the windows open a little bit when it does and my littles and I are put right to sleep.

15. I don’t believe in fairy tales. But I do believe life is how you make it. It’s all up to you, the hard work you put into it, and the choices you make. No one can make your choices for you and make you happy, rich, or anything. It’s all up to you

The Past and Protecting My Littles

Something has been kind of haunting me that I knew I was never fully over but I thought I had made progress with. Apparently not.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused. I was a child. I remember it somewhat but it had affected my life. For a long time, I didn’t trust any men in my life or any men period, for other reasons as well but this had a big part to do with it. I didn’t want to be touched by anyone. I still don’t. I hate it. I can handle being touched by my kids but that’s about it. I distrusted everyone, which had to do with other reasons as well too.

Now, it has been suggested that sexual abuse has happened with one of my littles by the school counsler because of one of my littles behaviors. Hearing this, I freaked the hell out. I was panicking and second guessing everyone I’ve had both of my littles around, was calling their dad to vent and figure out what was going on, kept crying my eyes out, was about to kill whoever had touched my little, wanted to grab my littles and never let them go, wanted to protect them from everyone and anyone, was freaking out majorly.

When my littles got off of school I was there picking them up and brought them home right away. I sat my littles down and was asking them both a bunch of questions to try and figure out what was going on or if there was a possibility of something happening to them because I know everyone and anyone that is around them except when they are with their dad but he swears no one new has came around and that only family and friends come around. I hugged them both so tightly and didn’t want to let them go.

One of my littles had counseling yesterday but both littles, the baby I’m babysitting, and I went to it. My little didn’t want to discuss the behavior that caused the school to think this but the counsler and I made my little feel comfortable and talked about that and the possibility of sexual abuse. The counsler helped calm my nerves and self explaining that that was a very high jump to suggest that sexual abuse could have happened and that that’s why the behavior was going on. She said that she has a lot of kids that come in to be seen by her that do that behavior and yes, sometimes that’s what caused the behavior to start but she is pretty sure that’s not why my little is doing this behavior, that my little is doing this behavior for self soothe and that she will work with my little next sessions to help determine to rule it out or what else the cause could be if not self soothing. Talking with her helped majorly.

I will still protect my littles as much as possible to make sure they are safe and watch who they are around. They are my babies and I know I can’t protect them from everything, but I sure can try and also help them learn about how to be safe.

This whole thing brought up the past a lot and I will be going to see my counsler soon about it to help get through it.

Tough

My littles are everything to me. They are my world. Without them, I don’t know what I would do with myself. We’ve always been together their whole lives so to be without them, would ruin them and I.

Right now my littles are going through some difficulties and man, it is beyond hard to see them going through the things they are going through! I as a parent want to protect them from any harm that comes their way and help them as much as possible. Of course I can’t protect them from everything even though I really wish I could. All the bullies, I would I could straighten out and make them leave my littles alone. There is nothing wrong with my littles and there’s no reason to bully them in any way. Makes me so angry. I try to protect littles and explain that if they love themselves, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of them and that God made them who they are for a reason. Of course that doesn’t work all the time with them because as children they want everyone to love them and like them which I completely understand. Just so hard to see your littles suffering. If I could put them in a big bubble or homeschool them or make those other kids leave them alone, I would be all over it in a heart beat.

Please give us hope and prayers that things will get better for my littles.

Light at the End

Everyday I get the notification from the app I downloaded “Timehop” to let me know that my timehop is ready. The app basically is a time capsule of everything you have posted on social media websites like Facebook or Instagram. You get to see what you posted 1 year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc. It goes for however long you had those social medias and posted things on them if you connect the socia medias to Timehop.

So every day I get a notification from it in the morning. And every morning, I dread looking at the things I had posted over the last 4 years on my Facebook.

Here’s why: I was really not a nice person. I was a mad hurt person and took that out on a lot of people. I was immature a lot of times. I was very blunt and hurt people with how I talked to them or with my actions. I didn’t care what most others thought of me except my loved ones and the ones I cared about. If I had a problem with someone, I would most definitely let them know. I was selfish a lot. I lied a lot. I thought just about everyone was going to hurt me in some way and I would push them away. I blamed others for everything. I hated myself. I was very negative. I hurt a lot of people with my actions and words. I didn’t trust anyone. I was stuck in a victim state of mind. I was stuck in the past. I was so stressed, mad, and hurt about everything that I was not a very good mom or friend or daughter or girlfriend or sister.

I realize all this every time I look back on timehop and see everything I posted on my Facebook and I get so mad at myself. Why did I act that way? Life could have been so much better if I would have changed my ways and the way I thought. I could have not hurt a lot of people. I could have set a good example for my kids. I could have been a better mom, daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend. I could have actually been happy and enjoyed life.

Then I think, if all of that wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I have learned so much from my mistakes and have grown so much. Everything happens for a reason even if we don’t know what that reason is at the moment.

Here’s me now: I am now more aware of other’s feelings. I am not as scared as before letting people close to me and have made improvements on that. I actually know where I want to be in life and am taking the steps to fulfill my dreams of being in the criminal justice field working with children and doing foster care. I am a good mom and am taking steps to improve more with that. I have a better relationship with my littles than ever before. I have a better relationship with majority of my family including major steps with my mom and dad. I am not so judgmental. I am more responsible. I am trying to give back to my community. I try to help others as much as possible. I don’t push my views or opinions on others. I try to support others in their journeys. I know how to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I’m civil with people I don’t get along with. I have respect for others. I am wiser with money. I’m focusing in school and getting all good grades. I’m doing what’s best for my littles. I have my littles and I all in therapy which is helping a great deal. I have learned how to forgive (best feeling!). I’m no longer focused on on the past, I’m beyond excited for my journey ahead with my littles and our dog. I’m living actively present in the moment. I cook more. My littles and I are eating healthy and watching what we put into our bodies. I try to focus on the positive. I try to understand instead of judge. I think about my actions before I make them. I communicate better. I’m a believer. I have a good parenting relationship with my littles’ father. I’m actually living life.

I have many people that have contributed to the way I am now. My family who supports me and encourages me tremendously. My littles who always push me to do my best and are my motivation. My loved ones that are my inspiration. The workshop I did recently called Grounded and Moving which totally opened my eyes. My therapist who is amazing. My sister who is always there for me. God who I recently found. My friends. All the people that believed in me. Without all them, I’d still be stuck. I thank them tremendously.

I’m not exactly where I want to be in life yet. I still have a long ways to go and lots of learning and growing to do as well. But at least now, I can say that I’m where I’m meant to be right now and I’m excited for where my journey will take my littles, our dog, and I in life.

The past doesn’t define us or make us a bad person. And you can always change your life around as long as you really want it. There’s always a little at the end of the tunnel. I’m proof of that.

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Therapy

Yesterday Little #2 had therapy. He’s been going for about a month now. Lately we’ve been having some aggression issues so we really needed to talk about that.

Him and I talked with the therapist about those issues and one main underlying issue that is a huge one for him: his dad. He misses him a lot. Dad just moved out this past summer after living with us for a year because things weren’t working between him and I. It had nothing to do with the littles. But it’s hard for them to understand that.

Both littles want mom and dad back together and us living together again. We’ve tried that but it just doesn’t work. I understand that though completely because everyone wants their mom and dad.

Their dad is still living in the same town as us, just across town maybe like 10 minutes away. They get to see him on days that he gets off of work early and on weekends, mainly every other weekend because he works so much.

For a long time, their dad and I didn’t get along at all. Didn’t matter what it was about, we just argued and fought. Both of us are bull headed, stubborn, and have to be right. And for a long time he didn’t want to step up as a father to our littles and that was a major issue. Just a very toxic relationship.

Now though, we are trying to be a team as parents to help our littles. We’ve been trying for a while but for the past few weeks it has really helped and worked. Our littles now see us getting along, no arguing, and being respectful towards each other.

In therapy we really figured out a big point on why Little #2 has been acting the way he has since his dad moved out. The therapist said that he wants to be just like dad so he is watching and learning everything their dad does. He seen their dad call me bad names and be disrespectful towards me and be aggressive towards me so that’s why he feels the need to act the same way. In his mind, he is taking over dad’s role at home since dad is no longer there. It made total sense! I get it know. For a long time he has thought he needs to be the dad and the man in the house since dad is no longer there and that’s a lot of why he is behaving the way he is. When he’s with his dad, he’s not aggressive, angry, or anything like that. He is like the perfect little. And that’s because dad is there already having the dad role taken care of. This all makes perfect sense to me now.

The therapist and I are going to switch his sessions to once every week now instead of once every other week to try and help and learn different ways to help Little #2. She gave me a few ways to try to help him when I first start noticing his anger to redirect him into coloring and praising him greatly when he does something good and giving him small rewards that he earns when he does something good and having his angry space be his room so when he’s angry he can go in there to calm down by punching his pillow or resting and then talking about his feelings.

I’m so happy we found out why he’s having these issues so that we can find ways to help him.

Power of Forgiveness

In my Drugs and Society class at school we had to do a addiction project. We had to pick someone we know that is a addict, preferably a recovering addict, and write their story. Part of the project was we had to present it also with preferably the person we did the project on so they can help tell their story too.

I picked someone very close to me. She was the first person that popped up in my head when I learned about this project.

Now for a long time I was really deeply mad at this person. Mainly because I believed she had a choice in doing drugs and had a choice with her actions and she chose bad choices that affected my siblings, myself, and many other people. For a long time I didn’t want to talk to this person or get close to her or anything.  I was still mad, sad, and hurt.

I already in my head picked this person for my project and she agreed that I can do it on her.

I was still very nervous about it. This madness, sadness, and hurt had been holding me back in life in many areas. I didn’t want to get close to anyone and would only let very few people close to me but even when I did, I would push them away when they got too close because it was scary to me. Everyone in my life has left at one point or another so didn’t want to chance getting close to anyone else and then them just up and leaving. I was stuck in the victim state on mind in many ways for a long time too. It consumed me and so did the past.

I wasn’t sure if I could really do this addiction project on this special loved one of mine but I knew it would hopefully help. I knew I needed to get through this and also wanted deeply to fix my relationship with this person but didn’t know how to do so.

As I started doing this project, some details I got from asking the questions and getting the answers from her were surprising and in a way hurt to talk about. It made me want to close up again and push her away. To just find someone else with an addiction and do a project on them. But I knew I needed to do this and that I had to. For me. And for this special person. Otherwise, our relationship would be completely shot still.

After going to a few weeks of this class and talking more with this person, it really helped me understand the power of addictions and that when someone is an addict, the addiction becomes more powerful than the person and they can’t control it. It honestly really helped.

My classmates had done their projects and presented them during the past few weeks. Well, today was my turn to present my project with my special person. I was so nervous and was scared I was going to break down and not be able to do it. She was very nervous too.

The nervousness went away as we were presenting it. I asked the questions and she answered with most times going in more detail to describe her story more. She also answered questions from my teacher and classmates.

I was surprised with myself. I did tear up a few times but honestly, I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I forgive her. For everything in the past. Things happened that were out of her power because of her addiction and the power it had over her. She is truly sorry for her actions that hurt others and has changed her life around. I truly forgive her. And I’m beyond proud of her. She is such an amazing inspirational person and I’m so thankful that she is in my life. I finally feel like I have closure on that chapter of my life and I’m free from it. Love the power of forgiveness and this special person in my life.