The Past and Protecting My Littles

Something has been kind of haunting me that I knew I was never fully over but I thought I had made progress with. Apparently not.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused. I was a child. I remember it somewhat but it had affected my life. For a long time, I didn’t trust any men in my life or any men period, for other reasons as well but this had a big part to do with it. I didn’t want to be touched by anyone. I still don’t. I hate it. I can handle being touched by my kids but that’s about it. I distrusted everyone, which had to do with other reasons as well too.

Now, it has been suggested that sexual abuse has happened with one of my littles by the school counsler because of one of my littles behaviors. Hearing this, I freaked the hell out. I was panicking and second guessing everyone I’ve had both of my littles around, was calling their dad to vent and figure out what was going on, kept crying my eyes out, was about to kill whoever had touched my little, wanted to grab my littles and never let them go, wanted to protect them from everyone and anyone, was freaking out majorly.

When my littles got off of school I was there picking them up and brought them home right away. I sat my littles down and was asking them both a bunch of questions to try and figure out what was going on or if there was a possibility of something happening to them because I know everyone and anyone that is around them except when they are with their dad but he swears no one new has came around and that only family and friends come around. I hugged them both so tightly and didn’t want to let them go.

One of my littles had counseling yesterday but both littles, the baby I’m babysitting, and I went to it. My little didn’t want to discuss the behavior that caused the school to think this but the counsler and I made my little feel comfortable and talked about that and the possibility of sexual abuse. The counsler helped calm my nerves and self explaining that that was a very high jump to suggest that sexual abuse could have happened and that that’s why the behavior was going on. She said that she has a lot of kids that come in to be seen by her that do that behavior and yes, sometimes that’s what caused the behavior to start but she is pretty sure that’s not why my little is doing this behavior, that my little is doing this behavior for self soothe and that she will work with my little next sessions to help determine to rule it out or what else the cause could be if not self soothing. Talking with her helped majorly.

I will still protect my littles as much as possible to make sure they are safe and watch who they are around. They are my babies and I know I can’t protect them from everything, but I sure can try and also help them learn about how to be safe.

This whole thing brought up the past a lot and I will be going to see my counsler soon about it to help get through it.

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