Light at the End

Everyday I get the notification from the app I downloaded “Timehop” to let me know that my timehop is ready. The app basically is a time capsule of everything you have posted on social media websites like Facebook or Instagram. You get to see what you posted 1 year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc. It goes for however long you had those social medias and posted things on them if you connect the socia medias to Timehop.

So every day I get a notification from it in the morning. And every morning, I dread looking at the things I had posted over the last 4 years on my Facebook.

Here’s why: I was really not a nice person. I was a mad hurt person and took that out on a lot of people. I was immature a lot of times. I was very blunt and hurt people with how I talked to them or with my actions. I didn’t care what most others thought of me except my loved ones and the ones I cared about. If I had a problem with someone, I would most definitely let them know. I was selfish a lot. I lied a lot. I thought just about everyone was going to hurt me in some way and I would push them away. I blamed others for everything. I hated myself. I was very negative. I hurt a lot of people with my actions and words. I didn’t trust anyone. I was stuck in a victim state of mind. I was stuck in the past. I was so stressed, mad, and hurt about everything that I was not a very good mom or friend or daughter or girlfriend or sister.

I realize all this every time I look back on timehop and see everything I posted on my Facebook and I get so mad at myself. Why did I act that way? Life could have been so much better if I would have changed my ways and the way I thought. I could have not hurt a lot of people. I could have set a good example for my kids. I could have been a better mom, daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend. I could have actually been happy and enjoyed life.

Then I think, if all of that wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I have learned so much from my mistakes and have grown so much. Everything happens for a reason even if we don’t know what that reason is at the moment.

Here’s me now: I am now more aware of other’s feelings. I am not as scared as before letting people close to me and have made improvements on that. I actually know where I want to be in life and am taking the steps to fulfill my dreams of being in the criminal justice field working with children and doing foster care. I am a good mom and am taking steps to improve more with that. I have a better relationship with my littles than ever before. I have a better relationship with majority of my family including major steps with my mom and dad. I am not so judgmental. I am more responsible. I am trying to give back to my community. I try to help others as much as possible. I don’t push my views or opinions on others. I try to support others in their journeys. I know how to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I’m civil with people I don’t get along with. I have respect for others. I am wiser with money. I’m focusing in school and getting all good grades. I’m doing what’s best for my littles. I have my littles and I all in therapy which is helping a great deal. I have learned how to forgive (best feeling!). I’m no longer focused on on the past, I’m beyond excited for my journey ahead with my littles and our dog. I’m living actively present in the moment. I cook more. My littles and I are eating healthy and watching what we put into our bodies. I try to focus on the positive. I try to understand instead of judge. I think about my actions before I make them. I communicate better. I’m a believer. I have a good parenting relationship with my littles’ father. I’m actually living life.

I have many people that have contributed to the way I am now. My family who supports me and encourages me tremendously. My littles who always push me to do my best and are my motivation. My loved ones that are my inspiration. The workshop I did recently called Grounded and Moving which totally opened my eyes. My therapist who is amazing. My sister who is always there for me. God who I recently found. My friends. All the people that believed in me. Without all them, I’d still be stuck. I thank them tremendously.

I’m not exactly where I want to be in life yet. I still have a long ways to go and lots of learning and growing to do as well. But at least now, I can say that I’m where I’m meant to be right now and I’m excited for where my journey will take my littles, our dog, and I in life.

The past doesn’t define us or make us a bad person. And you can always change your life around as long as you really want it. There’s always a little at the end of the tunnel. I’m proof of that.

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