For some strange hurtful reason, the past just keeps popping up in my life constantly right now. It’s not the good times that are popping up which makes it way worse, it’s all the wrong things that happened at the wrong times.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even if you don’t know the reason at the time. That makes sense to me. But right now, hearing that from my loved ones drives me insane. Like yelling, crying, and angry insane. I know that they are just trying to help though.
There’s been ups and downs in my past just like I’m sure everyone else has had in their past. I feel like my ‘downs’ are haunting me right now. I have gotten to the point in my life where things are good and smooth. Things are like everything I have ever wanted them to be and some things are working on up to that point. It’s been good, smooth sailing, and incredible. I still have been having doubt’s a bit in the back of my head on how long these good things will last and I guess maybe I might be jinxing it now. But seriously though, things have been good. I am the happiest I have been in about 9-10 years.
But then my boyfriend and I may get in a little argument or have a disagreement about something or something else goes wrong and a small memory of the past comes in my head. And then more little things happen and guess what follows? Another small memory of the past. Until a ton of them are now in my head. Each one doesn’t feel like just a small something from the past that I remembering that I can just remember and then get rid of it. Each memory comes with each and every single feeling from every one. And I feel all the feelings one by one stronger and stronger than before like as if it was just happening at this very moment. I am reliving the memories from the past over and over in my head when these small little triggers come and it won’t stop until I explode. All the anger, loneliness, and fear come from these memories. All the jealously, abandonment feelings, and sadness come along with it. And then all of it comes rushing out of me and I explode.
When we get into a argument about something small like for example, the routine he has for our kids getting changed because of me apparently doing or not doing something, old memories come. They come from when I was doing everything by myself for years for our kids and I and he wasn’t around. I was doing everything for our kids: bringing them back and forth where they needed to go, homework, cleaning up after them, making the meals, doing all the shopping, and all the other things that are needed to be done when you have kids. I had them on a routine that worked perfectly for us. I was also struggling between trying to find a stable job and actually keeping one while going to school as well. I was trying to pay all the bills that our kids and I had, keep food in their bellies, a roof over our heads, and stay afloat. Mainly all by myself. For years. About 7 years to be exact. (I give tons of credit though to my loved ones that helped, supported, and encouraged us.) I was barely pushing forward and surviving myself. I didn’t take a lot of time, if any, to really take care of myself during those years. My focus and main goal was for my kids to be happy, be taken care of, and have a family. I wanted them to have a better life than me. Their dad wasn’t around besides every other weekend mostly and holidays because of certain reasons which were both of our faults. I will take ownership of my mistakes and I will admit that I made a lot of mistakes when it comes to him and I in our relationship and our life. I’ve always loved him though through everything, even still now I do. I’ve always wanted to spend the rest of my life with that man and marry him one day and live happier ever after with him and our kids. Even now. He’s the love of my life and always will. But man, let me tell you. it was hard during the years without him. Really hard. Our kids and I were barely surviving for a long time without him. I was trying my hardest. We needed him but he wouldn’t come back with us or participate more in our kids lives.
The routine I had for us worked perfectly. But not for him. He didn’t get two shits about it. He would have them out later than they should’ve been or bring them back to me a day or two earlier than he was supposed to. I was the only one between him and I that cared about our routine and the importance of it. It was such a hassle and very hard to have to get our kids back on their schedule after he was done seeing them. So now the tables have switched a bit. He is the one with the routine for our kids and family because he is a stay at home dad now while I work. He takes care of our kids and our home while I go to work. We both agreed on it and it has been working for the most part. Right now, because of work, I don’t have a routine really at home. When I have the day off, after I get caught up on a little sleep, I like to spend time with our kids and do fun things with them. I like to go to new places, watch movies with them, and enjoy them. I don’t pay attention to the time. Honestly the reasons for that are because I don’t get to spend much time with them so when I do, I want to spend as much time with them as I can and also because I love my work but I absolutely miss my kids like crazy. I don’t want to focus on the time. Doing that makes the time go faster which makes me very sad. I don’t mean to mess up their routine and I know the importance of it. I just want to spend time with my kids. They are my life and my reasons for living.
When he gets upset and angry with me because of messing up the routine, a huge part of me understands but then again, a big part of me goes crazy and remembers everything from when I had to do it all. Why is it okay to mess up my routine I had that I had to refix every single time by myself and him not give a shit about it but then I have to care and respect his? Why is that okay? Why did I have to handle everything on my own without any help from him but I have to help follow his rules and routine? Why the hell do I have no say so in anything anymore, including the routine, even though I ran this whole house and took care of everything? Where was he when we needed him? Why weren’t we important to him up until a little over a year ago? I remember breaking down just about every night when our kids laid in bed with me sleeping and crying. Crying about being all alone in this with our kids. About how can I keep it all together another day just for our kids to be able to give them a life. About all the mistakes I had made and so badly wished I could go back and fix them but it was already too late. About how scary it was being the only person in charge of two little kids lives and freaking out that I would badly accidentally mess up their lives. About how I didn’t know how I could go another day like this and maybe it would be better for our kids if I was gone. About not knowing the hell I was doing. About how many times I begged for him to come back and I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. About how I was laying awake holding our kids crying trying to be quiet wondering what kind of fun he was having with his new girlfriend instead of being here. About all the times we needed him and he isn’t here. About how much I hated him and was so angry with him. About how I had no clue what I was doing.
All of this flashes in my eyes and head constantly during and after this little tiny argument about me not sticking with his routine.
Every little trigger brings back these kinds of memories. They haunt me. Even when I am happy and should be happy.
I just want to leave the past as the past and move toward.